To Fight or Not to Fight: That is the Question

In addition to our live guest today, I discussed a recent article in the newspaper about two elementary school girls from Long Beach, Ca. Apparently, they got into an altercation and although there was no evidence of anyone being knocked to the ground, the 10 year old died six hours later at a local hospital from a blood clot to the brain. The family of young Joanna Ramos is left to mourn and grieve the senseless loss of their precious child at the hands of an 11 year old classmate. Babies – two young girls not old enough to date or drive: one dead, the other facing a life of guilt and remorse for committing a senseless act of violence against another human being. In one brief moment, two family’s lives were changed forever.

As a child, my parents had two opposing philosophies about fighting. My mom taught me to always walk away. My dad said, “Never start a fight but if someone hits you, hit them back.” My mom’s voice resonated  louder in my head. And I thank God for that. 

As an adult, I have come to treasure the wisdom in her words. To stay and fight puts me at risk for being injured or causing injury to another (and of course, there’s always the unexpected tragedy of death). Is it ever worth taking that kind of risk to defend my honor, prove my “rightness”, convince the other of my fearlessness? Apparently my mom didn’t think so and neither do I. Contrary to some popular beliefs, removing oneself from a verbal or physical altercation is not a sign of cowardice. It is, in reality, a sign of great courage. One is never certain how others will perceive their unwillingness to fight, so to exit is a statement of confidence. “I am comfortable with whatever you choose to think of me because my opinion of myself outweighs yours.”

It is also an indication of self love: “I care more about my safety than what others may think should I leave;” a sign of intelligence: “to stay and fight could cause serious bodily harm to one of both of us and makes no sense”; and lastly, it shows great respect for all human life. “I have no desire to hurt you. No one, regardless of how immature, arrogant or mean spirited they are behaving, deserves to be hurt. All individuals deserve to be respected.” 

How tragic that two young lives and their families are forever altered. Had each child been taught and practiced walking away another senseless death could have been prevented. Parents and adults: we all need to be examples for our children. Courage, confidence, self love, mutual respect:  live it and teach it.  

Remember: one bad decision can change your life forever.

TREATMENT OF A "TRASHY" EX

Michelle joined me as my guest on today’s show. She’s a young mother going through a nasty divorce. Children are involved as is a marital home (now in jeopardy of foreclosure) as well as struggling business. That’s a lot for one person to handle. Understandably, Michelle is dealing with issues of anger, bitterness and resentment.  Twenty minutes on air is not nearly enough time to give her all the tools she needs to resolve this.

We all find ourselves in situations where we feel helpless and at the mercy of others. Relentless ex’s continually harass us, trying to make our lives a living hell. But we are capable of turning the tables on them (no, not making their lives more miserable than ours). We can actually take an injustice and benefit from it.

The Dalai Lama says “there are no victims in life only students.” How does that apply here? I learned 30 years ago not to be a victim of divorce. I changed my perception and saw myself as a student of this life experience instead. What was this divorce here to teach me? What lessons was I supposed to learn? How could I take those lessons and apply them to become a better person and enrich my life? Not an easy task but certainly not impossible. When I was able to answer each of those questions, I realized I actually benefited from his decision to leave me. Wow! What a revelation! What I tried so hard to hold on to was in essence not good for me. Once I learned to let go (and let God), my life became easier, my happiness was restored and my confidence soared. I’ve taken that lesson and applied it to every trauma I’ve endured.

How can I possibly be angry with someone who inadvertently blessed me by posing a great challenge? When we rise to the occasion rather than drown in self-pity, we realize that in any given situation we have the ability to determine how it’s going to affect us. I am deeply grateful for the hidden treasures in the trash delivered by my ex. No room for anger here, only gratitude. Not sure if Michelle was convinced.

Your thoughts?

How to Resolve Disputes With Difficult Neighbors

Tips from today’s show

How to Resolve Disputes With Difficult Neighbors

1. Check your attitude before leaving the house.  Leave your ego in the closet.

2. Upon arriving at their home, begin by introducing yourself. Offer some information about who you are so they feel a bit more at ease speaking with you.

“Hi. I’m Janet, your neighbor in the green house down the block. I just moved here a few weeks ago.”

3. Next, take a few moments and make small talk. Get to know the other party. Show an interest in who they are.

“How long have you lived here?  It seems like a really nice neighborhood.”

4. Say something positive. Offer a compliment if possible.

“Your house is lovely, especially the gardens in the front by the driveway.”

5. State your concern about the issue at hand, offering them the benefit of the doubt.

“I’m sure you don’t realize it but sometimes your dogs bark really late at night. I hate to even bring it up but it wakes up my baby.”

6. Make your request (not “demand”).

“Can you bring them indoors by 7pm? That’s when I put my daughter in her crib for the night.”

7. Negotiate the issue if necessary being willing to make some compromises.

8. End on a positive note, thanking the other party for their time and cooperation.

“I really appreciate your help. I’m happy to be a part of this neighborhood and hope to get to know everyone better.”

And remember:

Always speak to the other party with dignity and respect. Never accuse, make assumptions or threaten. More often than not, people will try to resolve their issues when treated fairly.  

March 13, 2012
SECOND BEST
by Janet Pfeiffer

I'm not a competitive person. While I've competed in 5 & 10K races and half and full marathons, the order in which I crossed the finish line was immaterial to me. I cared only about completing the race. I know others are far more accomplished and serious race walkers than I am. I only wanted to prove to myself I could do it.

I've never felt the need to be better than anyone else but I have always felt the need to be better than myself. I believe if I am not growing and improving each day, I am not fully alive; I'm cheating myself. I need to be conscious of always being my personal best. (For the record, I'm not always.)

I have nothing against those who like competition. A good challenge can drive people to accomplish amazing goals: to push themselves beyond their current abilities, overcome enormous obstacles and realize their dreams. For some, however, the need to be the best is rooted in self esteem. To "settle" for second best is a reflection of their worth, rather than ability. I remember many years ago watching the Olympics. Figure skating was one of my favorite sports and upon completion of the competition, a reporter interviewed the young American who captured second place. "Are you disappointed you didn't win the gold?" he asked. "Are you kidding!" she exclaimed. "I'm thrilled to have won the silver medal!" I loved her attitude: she was truly proud of her accomplishment even if there was someone who achieved more.

As American Idol enters its 11th season as one of the top rated TV shows on the air, many of us would be hard pressed to recite all 10 previous winners of the coveted title. So many have fallen from the public eye shortly after reaching idol status. However, some who ranked lower went on to achieve even greater success: Jennifer Hudson, Katherine McPhee (star of "Smash"), Chris Daughtry (hit after hit). Sometimes, being number one is not as prestigious as it appears.

Does it feel great to be acknowledged as the best of the best? Of course. I've won first place in several writing competitions for my children's books and blue ribbons for my nature photography. I've even won gold medals in race walking. But the trophy was never the reason I entered those contests. It was to push myself to face new challenges and to be more.

When I place second I am reminded of Ticonderoga pencils. At the beginning of each school year, our teachers would send home a list of supplies each student needed: composition notebook, ruler, and three Ticonderoga #2 pencils - number 2, never #1. Sometimes being second is better.

If my personal best is worthy only of silver, I'm ok with that. I've earned it. Remember, one man's silver can be worth its weight in gold.

A Disturbing Neighbor

When I moved into my home 13 years ago, I was thrilled to be living on a dead end street. Ah, peace and quiet! Imagine how disheartened I was to discover I lived two houses away from a teenage rock star wannabe!

Every evening, his band would rehearse in his garage for hours. The cacophony of noise that emanated from his makeshift studio was nothing short of unmerciful.

His garage faced my bedroom window (which I left opened) so the noise filtered into my room long after I retired for the evening. This was not working for me. Yet I knew that legally he had every right to practice and I had no recourse. Or did I? I decided to take matters into my own hands and confront him. However, I am wise enough to know the proper steps to take to gain his cooperation.

First, I checked my attitude. I needed to make sure that I was calm and relaxed. If I was angry and frustrated, that would be reflected in the way I spoke to him.
Next, I needed to see things through his eyes: a young man with dreams of being a rock star. That's actually an admirable quality. He could have been on some street corner doing drugs.
Third, I gave him the benefit of the doubt. Perhaps he didn't realize the noise was a problem for me. After all, how many times are we oblivious to how our behavior effects others?

I also knew it was important to establish a commonality, some interest or characteristic we shared. That acts like a bonding agent.
And I needed to be fair and reasonable in what I was requesting of him.

So, I took the necessary steps and approached him one evening. I introduced myself and asked about his music. He shared how he and his band were trying to get some gigs and ultimately a record deal. I congratulated him on his dreams and wished him luck. I mentioned my love of music as well. We had established a nice rapport.

Then I made my request: I explained how the noise interfered with my ability to sleep when it went beyond 11pm. I asked if he could help me out by perhaps closing the garage doors. To my pleasant surprise, he apologized and agreed to my suggestion. I thanked him and we parted on good terms. Problem solved.

When we treat one another with dignity and fairness, resolving our differences becomes effortless.

For more on this topic, visit www.PfeifferPowerSeminars.com/pps1-articles-neighbors.html

Maintaining Personal Excellence

One of my private clients has serious issues with anger, or perhaps I should say with "nastiness". She's pleasant most of the time but she makes it clear that if someone is rude to her she can dish it out even worse. "I can get really ugly when I have to," she declares, as if she's proud of it.

How often do we react to someone's bad behavior with more of the same? Someone cuts you off on the highway and you give them the finger. Your brother misses your wedding so you retaliate by not attending his baby's christening.

Sadly, many people allow their behavior to be determined by what others say or do. And to make matters worse, they offer lame excuses to justify their actions. "I criticized you because you said something hurtful to me first."

Doesn't this sound reminiscent of eight-year olds? "You pushed me so I pushed you back!" One can make allowances for a young child's lack of maturity and good judgment. But one is expected to outgrow this behavior by adulthood. Unfortunately, some do not.

Does two adults behaving badly ever improve a situation? To the best of my knowledge it doesn't. Therefore, it is critical for each individual to set and maintain their own personal standard of excellence and never relinquish to another's poor behavior.

If I am honest, I remain honest even in the face of lies.
If I am kind, when others are thoughtless, I set the example of kindness.
My generosity does not falter to another's selfishness.
If I am a respectful person, then I maintain that standard even, and especially, with those who are rude.

If your external behavior is not congruent with your intrinsic values, you will create internal conflict. And when you are in a state of turmoil, you cannot be at peace.

Set your standards of excellence high. ~ Never lower them for anyone.
Let others aspire to be like you. ~ Maintain your personal excellence.
Be the example for others to follow.

NEVER ALLOW ANOTHER PERSON'S BAD BEHAVIOR CHANGE WHO YOU ARE.

My client is proud of her behavior. For me, I'd be ashamed.

*********

If you like this article, read "Built Tough", Newsletter entry, March 9, 2010
@ www.PfeifferPowerSeminars.com

Fear or Faith: a Heavenly Story

I believe very strongly in the power of intention. I have been on tour with my new book, The Secret Side of Anger. for several months. When my book was released, I made the decision that in addition to the traditional methods of selling books, I specifically wanted to use mine to help non profits raise funds for their organizations. With the plunging economy, people were fearful of not having enough for themselves and were naturally cutting back on expenses. Non profits are hit particularly hard.

I, however, have a very deep faith in God and believe that he will continue to provide for me as he always has. I increased all of my donations.

The morning of one of my book signings, The Daily Record had an insert for the Market Street Mission, a homeless shelter with whom I had recently become affiliated. They were seeking donations for the upcoming holiday dinner. Of course, I thought, I'll write out a check. But then I decided that after my signing, I would ask for donations from the audience. After all, this was a local organization I'm sure everyone was familiar with. Not feeling comfortable with soliciting donations though, I put the idea aside.

The lecture began and I spoke about fear (one of the underlying causes of anger). I also spoke about my faith and trust in God and my ability to live without worry. What happened next was nothing short of miraculous. For the first time ever, every single person in the audience bought a copy of The Secret Side of Anger. Some paid with $20 bills and told me to keep the change (that's $7!). "Put it to good use," they said. I was speechless! (And for me, that's quite a challenge.)

I returned home with far more money than books sold. Of course, there was no doubt as to where that money was intended. So along with my own personal check, I made a sizable donation to the Mission.

What happened that evening was further testimony to my belief that when you have pure intentions in your heart and put forth the appropriate effort, God makes miracles happen.

Put all fears to rest. Work unselfishly for the good of all humanity. God will do his part and your rewards will be heavenly.