Wednesday, December 30, 2015

Using Emotions As Tools



Very often people query me as to whether or not anger is a bad emotion to which I reply "No." All emotions have purpose and value. None are good or bad. They simply are. It is how we utilize them, our actions, that determines their positive or negative value. Emotions are messengers that help us better understand ourselves based on how we react to certain stimuli, whether it be a comment or a circumstance. At the root of all anger are three unique feelings: hurt, fear, and frustration. Each one sheds light on what is important to us as well as what internal issues are in need of healing, 

If I am hurt by what someone has said to me, I need to ask myself "Why?" Why did I take personal offense to their comments? Do I need to strengthen my self-esteem so I am able to listen to other's comments objectively? If I am frustrated, what in my life am I seeking to control? Frustration results from the need to have things a certain way. How will my life be impacted should this incident transpire in a way contrary to what I prefer? Fear, worry, or anxiety alerts me to the fact that I lack confidence in myself. What can possibly happen in my life than I cannot handle? Being capable does not mean that I don't care what happens. We'd all like to avoid unpleasant situations from occurring. But my self-confidence assures me that I am fully capable of handling whatever enters my life and finding a way to use it to my advantage.  

Additionally, when I am angry (i.e. hurt, afraid, or frustrated) I can use this knowledge to more accurately express to the other party how I feel. Rather than state, "I'm angry at you for not inviting me to your party!" (which puts the other person on the defensive), I can say, "I'm hurt that I wasn't invited." Rather than fly into a rage when my computer isn't working properly, I recognize my frustration because there is much I need to accomplish today. I can shift my focus on seeking some possible solutions to either  getting my computer fixed or completing my work using another modality. 

Knowing that our feelings have purpose, we can use them as tools for understanding others as well. If I'm dealing with an angry person, I need not address their ire but rather inquire as to whether they have been hurt or offended by something I said, if they are worried (fear) about something, or  perhaps they are stressed (frustration). In that way, I can assist them in dealing with the root cause and hopefully finding some possible solutions to their issues.

In summary, emotions - all feelings - are valuable tools. We can learn much about ourselves and our issues, as well as what truly matters to us. Internal issues can now be addressed and resolved more easily. By identifying our feelings  we are also able to more clearly express ourselves, thus improving our communication and conflict resolution skills. And, when dealing with another person's upset, we are now better equipped to understand and assist them as well.

 Never deny or suppress your emotions. They are valuable tools that appear for a specific reason. Spend time with them, appreciate each feeling, seek a deeper understanding as to why they appeared, address whatever issues they reveal, and use them for the good of all involved. In that way, they can be one of our greatest allies rather than a destructive force in our lives.

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Wednesday, December 23, 2015

The A~N~Y Words and Anger



There are thousands of things that trigger our anger: aggressive drivers, rude coworkers, disrespectful children, lying politicians, high taxes, unfairness, and favoritism just to name a few. A critical statement or offensive comment can raise our ire to which we may respond with indignation. Did you know that there are also three potentially toxic words that when used incorrectly can put anyone on the defensive? Those words are what I refer to as the A~N~Y Words: Always, Never, and You.

In the case of the first two, always and never are exaggerations. Each denotes an absolute with no room for flexibility or exception.  

Synonymous with always are the words forever, at all times, constantly, continually, permanently. If something is permanent that clearly indicates there is no hope for change. Should the situation be unfavorable, such as a divorce, diagnosis of a terminal illness or loss of a friendship, one may experience feelings of anxiety, despair,  hopelessness or helplessness.  Each of these supports the response of anger. In conversation, we may accuse someone of always being late, always thinking of themselves first or always flying off the handle when things don't go their way. In this regard we fail to acknowledge the moments when the individual's actions are favorable: the times when they took into consideration what was important to the other party and conceded to the needs of the other, or the moments when they took a step back and kept quiet even though they were unhappy about a situation. Those who feel unjustly attacked will go on the defensive to protect themselves from their perceived enemy. We all seek to be given credit for the things we do that are virtuous and most people will be more willing to listen to negative comments about themselves when they also feel valued and respected. 

Never is defined by such phrases as by no means, not at all, in no way. In each case we have a common denominator, the word  no which indicates impossible or hopeless. "It's never going to happen" leaves one feeling disillusioned about a bleak future. Using the word never to describe a person's behavior, attitude, or talents can be disheartening and offensive. "You'll never learn!" "You never help out when your family needs you." "I'll never love you again." In each case, the individual feels under attack, criticized, or hurt. This is a recipe for anger on every level. Not being given credit for the exceptions to each scenario also leaves one feeling devalued and hurt which again equates to anger. 

You is the third toxic word. "You should have done a better job." "You think you're better than everyone else." "I knew I couldn't trust you." Imagine one pointing their finger at you in an accusatory manner. Again, the individual feels under attack as each you word is followed by a perceived criticism. 

In any type of conversation or conflict resolution situation it is imperative to create an environment whereby the other party feels safe and valued. In this regard, there is one exception to using the A~N~Y words: they are powerful tools for alliance when used in conjunction with a compliment. "I can always count on you to keep me up to date on important issues."  "You never quit something you've started." "You are the most thoughtful person I know." It is not the individual word that proves toxic but rather the context in which it is used. Therefore be prudent in your phrasing that your words will unify rather than divide.

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Wednesday, December 16, 2015

Five Steps to Inner Peace



One of my favorite authors, the late Dr. Wayne Dyer, once stated that "There is no way to peace. Peace is the way." This seemed rather contradictory to the common belief that a peaceful state of existence is a destination we arrive at after traversing the correct path. Wayne challenges us to view peace as a state of mind, a choice, a way of life. One who is serene makes consciously different choices in the way they live. Here are five steps to a more peaceful life:

1. Refrain from judging others. Judgment of those who are different from us in any way or from what we consider acceptable is arrogant and self-righteous. In comparing individuals to ourselves or others we deem them less valuable, less worthy or inherently wrong and in doing so create angst within ourselves.  Once this infraction is committed, one must then work through the process of forgiveness in order to reinstate serenity. Remember that we were all created equal by our Heavenly Father. It is our personal issues that are unique to each of us but we are not our issues. 

2. Be grateful. In all that you do, find something to be grateful for. Gratitude wards off bitterness and resentment and allows for joy to flourish. Recognizing all of the beauty God created that is available to us on a daily basis keeps us focused on the positive, the blessings in life. It also enables us to find goodness in every situation, including hardships, loss, betrayals, and such. I am at peace with all that is and do not feel the need to change anything for nothing is lacking. Everything is exactly as it is meant to be in this moment.

3. Put everything into its proper perspective. Very little that occurs in life with worthy of upset. Most incidences are relatively insignificant and only have the degree of importance that we assign them. Asking yourself, "Will this matter in ten years?" enables us to let go of much of what distresses us. In that way, we eliminate worry, fear, anxiety, anger and other stressful emotions. Trust in God. He's overseeing everything. 

4. Always be kind. In any given situation, we have the option to be kind or cruel. Choosing kindness allows for a more positive outcome to the situation. It prevents hurt feelings, is inclusive rather than divisive, shows respect, values the other party, uplifts and inspires, encourages and heals, and invites others to respond similarly. And, it's good for the soul (yours and theirs). Knowing you were polite and courteous enables you to feel good about  yourself and at peace with your actions.

5. Live to please God. Most people do what feels good or what they believe is right for them. Since our knowledge is limited, a more reliable source for righteousness is our Heavenly Father. Doing what makes me feel good in the moment can have serious consequences for me and those around me. However, when I follow God's directive and live my life in such a way as to always seek to do what is right by Him, then I never make decisions that I will later regret or that may cause suffering to others. In this way, I am at peace knowing my life is a reflection of God's Word. No God - No Peace; Know God - Know Peace.

As Wayne Dyer stated, peace is the way. But the key to living a peaceful life is awareness. Just as one much pay careful attention as they traverse down any path in life so as not to become distracted and lose their way, one must always keep their eyes on peaceful choices, making peace their way of life. It's not so hard, really. And it is well worth the effort.

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Wednesday, December 9, 2015

Sarcasm, Fear, and Arrogance



Consider the following scenario: you and your neighbor engage in a political discussion. After a few moments, it becomes apparent that the two of you have serious disagreements about the upcoming presidential elections. Being equally as passionate about your positions, the debate quickly becomes heated. You, a more confident narrator, have more specific points to back up your statements. Her frustration is evidence that she is feeling somewhat at a disadvantage. Try as she will, she realizes she cannot compete with one as knowledgeable  and confident as you. Her self-esteem takes a hit as she struggles with feelings of inadequacy and humiliation. In an attempt to restore her dignity and create an equal playing field, she resorts to sarcasm and arrogance. "Well, it's impossible to argue with someone who's always right." Or perhaps she denigrates herself with, "I'm certainly no match for someone as brilliant as you!"

Sarcasm is a form of passive/aggressive anger meant to mock or insult the other person. Rather than being straightforward, the individual expresses harsh or bitter disdain against the other party in a covert manner. This can be presented in a mocking or contemptuous way characterized not only by their choice of words but the tone in their voice as well as body language, specifically facial expressions. Very  often the intention behind the actual words is the direct opposite. Stating that one is brilliant is actually intended to convey the message that they are self-centered and egotistical. 

Arrogance is another form of dealing with what one perceives to be an imbalance of power. One displays a sense of superiority over others, has an over-inflated sense of self-worth, and lacks humility. Those who project the image of having vast knowledge when in truth they know little if anything about a particular subject matter. Their insecurities cause them to become overly protective of their image, fearful that others may discover the truth about their imperfections and flaws. They can be snobbish at times deluding themselves into believing they are superior to others. This facetious post on social media illustrates my point: "I'm not a snob. Ask anyone who knows me - well, anyone that matters." Years ago, there was a commercial on TV for luxury cars stating they were available for "well-appointed buyers". In other words, for the elite only - arrogance in advertising. 

In the case where one or both parties resorts to sarcasm or arrogance it's important to recognize that behaviors both are deeply rooted in fear, an underlying component of anger. Fear results from a lack of self-confidence, failure in recognizing that one is fully capable of dealing with the situation at hand. Overly concerned about what others think of them, they feel compelled to portray an air of intelligence, competency, indifference, etc. Any display of what they perceive to be an imperfection leaves them vulnerable to criticism which would further damage their already low self-esteem. 

So what is the solution? When dealing with an arrogant or sarcastic person it's important to build a trust with them in order to put their fears to rest. Knowing you will not judge them enables them to be more honest and real with you. Openly admitting to your own flaws is one way to accomplish this as it helps to put them at ease, knowing you are comfortable with your own deficiencies. It's also critical to set boundaries with them in how they speak to or treat you. If something is offensive, call them out on it in a respectful manner. Never allow disrespectful behavior to continue. 

If  you tend to be snarky or condescending, work on valuing yourself more.  Identify your weaknesses and work on strengthening them. Know that your flaws are part of what makes you unique. Remind yourself daily of the attributes God has blessed you with. Giving credit to the One who created the distinctive person that you are enables you to remain humble and thoughtful.  Remember that you were born equipped to handle whatever life hands you, including those who do not share in your beliefs. It is in our differences that we learn and evolve as a human species. Recognize when you are acting from a place of fear rather than faith it is important to stop, reassess the situation and yourself, and consciously choose a more confident and loving behavior. Doing so will make any situation more relaxed and enjoyable for everyone. 

Order  The Secret Side of Anger, Second Edition or The Great Truth @ http://www.pfeifferpowerseminars.com/pps1-products.html
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