Sometimes I Just Want to Pull My Hair Out! How to Deal With Frustration

Did you know frustration is all rooted in the need to control? We all want things to be a certain way and as long as they comply, we’re ok. We expect people to be what we think they should be (after, who knows better than I how others should behave?). When they conform to our dictates, we get along just fine. However, when unexpected challenges arise (my camera batteries went dead just as my son hit a fly ball to center field; my husband didn’t plan a romantic evening for our anniversary), we become agitated and frustrated. “I knew it!” we scream. “Stuff like this always happens to me!” Feelings of victimization and powerless consume us and we fight to regain control. However, control is an illusion. We can only influence the outcome of any given situation; we can inspire the changes we would like to see in others but cannot force anyone to comply. Each individual has free will and will ultimately make their own decisions.

When we try to coerce things to kowtow to our orders, we set ourselves up for frustration.  People do not have an obligation to fulfill my desires. Things don’t always have to go my way. We learn nothing when life is easy. It is only in disappointment, challenge and change that we grow. 

Here are a few tips to reducing frustration in your life:

1      1.  Put everything into perspective. How important is this issue really? Will you even remember it in 10 years?

2      2.  Is what you are seeking fair and reasonable with this individual, at this time, under these conditions, in my time frame? If no, make some adjustments that are more realistic.

3      3.  If the situation or person will not change, (it is what it is), can you accept and be ok with your current circumstances? Being “ok with” does not mean being “happy about”. It simply means you have put the issue to rest and are no longer troubled by it.

Remember: acceptance of that which we cannot change is the key to inner peace.

Let go. Allow things to unfold naturally. Don’t try to force a square peg into a round hole. It takes far too much effort and will never work.

Visit www.PfeifferPowerSeminars.com for more great articles on frustration and anger. (Newsletter tab)

The Nail in the Fence

“The sharpest sword is a word spoken in wrath.” (The Buddha). 

A little boy, prone to anger, was told by his father, “Every time you’re angry, drive a nail in that wooden fence. When you’ve learned to control your anger, start removing them.” Six months later, the boy had removed every nail he had driven. Triumphant, he showed the fence to his father. The father sadly pointed out, “See the holes? The fence will never be the same.” 

I first heard this story several years ago and thought it a perfect analogy to the potential damage anger can have on another person. 

All emotions have purpose and value. None are inherently bad, even anger. It’s how we choose to express them and what we do with them that determines if they become a positive or negative force.

Here’s the problem with anger: we become upset with someone for whatever reason and lash out in fury. “You idiot! I told you not to do that!” “I never should have married you! My parents warned me!” Ouch! Hurtful words hurt…over and over. We may say something once yet the person on the receiving end of our rage replays those words again and again, each time gaining momentum and power. For the offender, the incidence occurs once and is forgotten. For the target, they relive it ten, twenty, one hundred times. Angry words have the potential to cause a lifetime of suffering.

When I was young, I distinctly remember an adult telling me in a nasty way I’d never amount to anything in life. Clearly they were angry although I never understood why. I hadn’t done anything to warrant it at that time. (I had plenty of other times though.) Those words stayed with me for decades. I attended college (with no aspirations) simply because my mother insisted. (Thank you, mom.) Eleven days after graduation I married my high school sweetheart and soon thereafter started a family. Staying home raising children was safe and at times became a convenient excuse for not venturing outside of the home.  After all, what else could I possibly do? I reminded myself I’d never amount to anything so why even try?

It wasn’t until I was in my forties that I was able to revisit those hurtful words and re evaluate their meaning. What had caused me great anguish for nearly thirty years, in reality, had no value. That adult’s words were not truth. They were spoken in anger. Now as an adult, I was finally able to put the past behind me by forgiving the one who so cruelly drove a nail into my spirit.

Hurtful words hurt – over and over. They can leave holes in the very fiber of one’s being. Choose your words wisely. Choose kindness.

I'LL NEVER EVER FORGIVE AGAIN

Several months ago I appeared on an internationally acclaimed TV show hosted by a husband/wife team. For more than a quarter of a century, this couple shared their personal lives and God's Word with millions of loyal followers. I was deeply saddened when they recently appeared on national TV revealing their dark secret of infidelity.

He spoke with great remorse for having committed such an egregious offense against his wife, family, friends and God. She lovingly shared her decision to forgive and preserve their marriage. I knew all-to-well the importance of forgiveness and how it benefited me in past similar experiences. But I have since outgrown forgiveness: I will never again forgive anyone for any offense.

The betrayals of my past have taught me much: first, that everything that happens in my life is a very necessary part of my journey. Each experience is absolutely essential for me to become the person God created me to be and to fulfill His Divine Plan. Much as an athlete must endure painful hours in the gym with demanding coaches and aching muscles in order to break world records, so must I face devastating hardships to achieve personal greatness.

The same applies to family and friends: each must realize their own mistakes and suffer the consequences of their imperfections in order that they, too, may find their appointed path in life. It is not for me to say what decisions they must make nor lessons they must learn in order to fulfill their destiny. This is between them and God and I must remove myself from their equation.

My life is my relationship between me and God. I am here to live my life in ways that please Him. I share my life with others but my life is not about them. When I err, I have failed against God and He is saddened by my poor judgment. My struggles and indiscretions are between Him and me exclusively.

I have also discovered that everything that comes into my life is here to teach and benefit me. Infidelity, blackmail, abuse all have the potential to make me a better person. Each can enrich my life should I allow it. Those who bring these experiences to me are merely messengers in my script of life. I have since learned to welcome them for they bring gifts of immeasurable value for me to unwrap and apply.

Pain has allowed me to come to know God on a deeper more intimate level that a life of ease could never provide. When I hurt, I instinctively turn to Him for healing and He never disappoints. When I feel abandoned, He comforts. When I'm confused, He offers clarity and guidance. Where is there room for anger or hurt towards anyone who has paved the way for me to profoundly know God? There isn't.

Do I need to forgive my boss for requiring me to put in long exhausting hours to earn the title of VP of sales? No. I understand the sacrifices required for success.

And now I understand this great myth of forgiveness: it is redundant when one recognizes the necessity of all experiences. My life is a spiritual journey of knowing God. I am grateful to all who provide me the opportunity to experience His Love. And while the events they bring may not be pleasant, the rewards are immeasurable. For me, there is no longer the need to ever forgive anyone for each has blessed me in ways unimaginable. Thanks to them, my life is exactly as it should be.

HEALING DEPRESSION NATURALLY

Today I discussed the subject of depression. Depression affects 121 million people world wide and according to the World Health Organization, by 2020 it will be the second leading cause of disability in the world. Add to that: depression is responsible for 850,000 suicides annually. That is nothing short of tragic. No one needs to suffer. There is help. 

I struggled with depression at two different times in my life: first when I was a teenager and later on during the pregnancy of my 4^th child. It did not subside with her birth. Simple chores were an effort. Life was a vat of quick sand and each day I was being sucked deeper and deeper into despair. I was embarrassed and ashamed and kept this dark secret to myself. I needed help but had to do it on my own. I discovered natural methods that saved my life.

I began a regimen of daily aerobic exercise. Power walking released endorphins which helped stabilize my mood. 

Nature is known for its healing properties. Just stand outside in the sun, watch the movement of the clouds, smell the fragrant of nearby roses, listen to the sound of the ocean: one cannot help but feel peaceful and serene. 

Prayer played a major part in my healing. Being connected to God filled me with hope, comfort, strength and love. And who can feel depressed when one is surrounded by God’s protection and love?

Music has the ability to alter our mood. Listen to that which is uplifting and joyful. 

Volunteer: focusing on the needs of others is rewarding and alleviates self-suffering.

Purpose: knowing you are making a difference in the lives of others is tremendously rewarding. Who can feel sadness when they are bringing joy to others?

Random acts of kindness uplifts our spirits and takes our mind off our own problems.

Human touch: the human connection releases powerful chemicals in the brain that support our emotional well-being. Hug someone!

Yoga, meditation, alternative therapies such as massage, Reiki, reflexology, 

acupressure/acupuncture and others have shown great results. 

Living in gratitude: focusing on what you are appreciative of rather than what is lacking in life restores joy and happiness.

Sometimes prescription medication is necessary. But if you prefer, try the natural route. It worked for me. Be certain to incorporate these behaviors in your daily life for the rest of your life as a preventative measure. I’ve been depression free for over 35 years.

If you or someone you know is suffering with feelings of hopelessness and despair, lethargy, inability to function, overall lack of enthusiasm for life, worthlessness, apathy or thoughts of suicide please reach out for help. Depression is a very real medical issue and needs immediate attention. We need to be compassionate of those who are suffering and provide the necessary assistance and support for their recovery. Life is worth living and there is hope. I am living proof.

To Fight or Not to Fight: That is the Question

In addition to our live guest today, I discussed a recent article in the newspaper about two elementary school girls from Long Beach, Ca. Apparently, they got into an altercation and although there was no evidence of anyone being knocked to the ground, the 10 year old died six hours later at a local hospital from a blood clot to the brain. The family of young Joanna Ramos is left to mourn and grieve the senseless loss of their precious child at the hands of an 11 year old classmate. Babies – two young girls not old enough to date or drive: one dead, the other facing a life of guilt and remorse for committing a senseless act of violence against another human being. In one brief moment, two family’s lives were changed forever.

As a child, my parents had two opposing philosophies about fighting. My mom taught me to always walk away. My dad said, “Never start a fight but if someone hits you, hit them back.” My mom’s voice resonated  louder in my head. And I thank God for that. 

As an adult, I have come to treasure the wisdom in her words. To stay and fight puts me at risk for being injured or causing injury to another (and of course, there’s always the unexpected tragedy of death). Is it ever worth taking that kind of risk to defend my honor, prove my “rightness”, convince the other of my fearlessness? Apparently my mom didn’t think so and neither do I. Contrary to some popular beliefs, removing oneself from a verbal or physical altercation is not a sign of cowardice. It is, in reality, a sign of great courage. One is never certain how others will perceive their unwillingness to fight, so to exit is a statement of confidence. “I am comfortable with whatever you choose to think of me because my opinion of myself outweighs yours.”

It is also an indication of self love: “I care more about my safety than what others may think should I leave;” a sign of intelligence: “to stay and fight could cause serious bodily harm to one of both of us and makes no sense”; and lastly, it shows great respect for all human life. “I have no desire to hurt you. No one, regardless of how immature, arrogant or mean spirited they are behaving, deserves to be hurt. All individuals deserve to be respected.” 

How tragic that two young lives and their families are forever altered. Had each child been taught and practiced walking away another senseless death could have been prevented. Parents and adults: we all need to be examples for our children. Courage, confidence, self love, mutual respect:  live it and teach it.  

Remember: one bad decision can change your life forever.

TREATMENT OF A "TRASHY" EX

Michelle joined me as my guest on today’s show. She’s a young mother going through a nasty divorce. Children are involved as is a marital home (now in jeopardy of foreclosure) as well as struggling business. That’s a lot for one person to handle. Understandably, Michelle is dealing with issues of anger, bitterness and resentment.  Twenty minutes on air is not nearly enough time to give her all the tools she needs to resolve this.

We all find ourselves in situations where we feel helpless and at the mercy of others. Relentless ex’s continually harass us, trying to make our lives a living hell. But we are capable of turning the tables on them (no, not making their lives more miserable than ours). We can actually take an injustice and benefit from it.

The Dalai Lama says “there are no victims in life only students.” How does that apply here? I learned 30 years ago not to be a victim of divorce. I changed my perception and saw myself as a student of this life experience instead. What was this divorce here to teach me? What lessons was I supposed to learn? How could I take those lessons and apply them to become a better person and enrich my life? Not an easy task but certainly not impossible. When I was able to answer each of those questions, I realized I actually benefited from his decision to leave me. Wow! What a revelation! What I tried so hard to hold on to was in essence not good for me. Once I learned to let go (and let God), my life became easier, my happiness was restored and my confidence soared. I’ve taken that lesson and applied it to every trauma I’ve endured.

How can I possibly be angry with someone who inadvertently blessed me by posing a great challenge? When we rise to the occasion rather than drown in self-pity, we realize that in any given situation we have the ability to determine how it’s going to affect us. I am deeply grateful for the hidden treasures in the trash delivered by my ex. No room for anger here, only gratitude. Not sure if Michelle was convinced.

Your thoughts?

How to Resolve Disputes With Difficult Neighbors

Tips from today’s show

How to Resolve Disputes With Difficult Neighbors

1. Check your attitude before leaving the house.  Leave your ego in the closet.

2. Upon arriving at their home, begin by introducing yourself. Offer some information about who you are so they feel a bit more at ease speaking with you.

“Hi. I’m Janet, your neighbor in the green house down the block. I just moved here a few weeks ago.”

3. Next, take a few moments and make small talk. Get to know the other party. Show an interest in who they are.

“How long have you lived here?  It seems like a really nice neighborhood.”

4. Say something positive. Offer a compliment if possible.

“Your house is lovely, especially the gardens in the front by the driveway.”

5. State your concern about the issue at hand, offering them the benefit of the doubt.

“I’m sure you don’t realize it but sometimes your dogs bark really late at night. I hate to even bring it up but it wakes up my baby.”

6. Make your request (not “demand”).

“Can you bring them indoors by 7pm? That’s when I put my daughter in her crib for the night.”

7. Negotiate the issue if necessary being willing to make some compromises.

8. End on a positive note, thanking the other party for their time and cooperation.

“I really appreciate your help. I’m happy to be a part of this neighborhood and hope to get to know everyone better.”

And remember:

Always speak to the other party with dignity and respect. Never accuse, make assumptions or threaten. More often than not, people will try to resolve their issues when treated fairly.