I enjoy reading
advice columns. Yesterday, a disgruntled
woman complained that Hallmark created the upcoming holiday of Valentine's Day
to remind singles that they are losers. (I'm pretty sure Hallmark wasn't in
existence during the Middle Ages when
this day was first set aside to celebrate St. Valentine.) That being said, most people long to be part of a
couple. Many succeed but sadly a good number will ultimately face the demise of
their love relationship. Differences once deemed adorable, quirky or
interesting become problematic as time progresses. While opposites may attract
they are rarely the components that solidify relationships. Conflicts arise and
fights ensue. Thus begins the breakdown of trust and affection.
Why do couples fight and is there a way they can live
without combat? The answer to the second question is emphatically yes. My husband and I live in a quarrel-free environment. That is not to
say that we agree on everything. Oh contraire! We rarely agree on anything but
we fight about nothing. Let me explain:
There is a distinct difference between disagreeing and
fighting. Individuals have different points of view, different ideas and
beliefs, opposing feelings and needs. Conflict (two contrasting ideas) is
actually healthy and beneficial to relationships. It challenges us on many
levels including enabling us to see things from a new perspective, to expand
our knowledge and embrace new ideas, to
fine-tune our communication and negotiation strategies, and to enable us to put
things into the proper perspective. . Great debates arise from conflict and innovative
ideas are born. The problem arises when ego takes control: it feeds on
insecurity and the need to dominate, to win, to prove their position (and
therefore themselves) to be superior. The other party, feeling disadvantaged,
struggles to regain balance. And so begins a struggle of power and a benign
disagreement escalates into a battle.
Here are some suggestions to diffuse a potential argument:
First and foremost: avoid using the terms "right"
and "wrong". A disagreement is just that: two people sharing opposing
views. They rarely have anything to do with being right (leave that to issues
of morality, not preferences). The need to be right is based in ego and
insecurity. Each party's position is as valid to them as the others is. Respect
that.
Secondly: see things from their perspective to gain a deeper
understanding of their position. Ask questions that will clarify the issue. Practice
acceptance of their standpoint and validate their feelings.
Thirdly: query, "What is it that you'd like to see
happen? How can I help?" (Seek a
solution.) Directing your attention to their needs and feelings eases the other
person's concerns of being treated fairly. An investment of kindness and
cooperation pays huge dividends.
Finally: show your appreciation and gratitude freely and
frequently every day. Those who truly appreciate their spouses are less likely
to nitpick insignificant issues. And those who feel valued and appreciated are
less likely to initiate an argument. When important matters need to be addressed
and resolved, each recalls how blessed they are to have such a devoted spouse
that they easily and lovingly put their partner's needs above their own.
Remember, too, that a fight cannot manifest without the
participation of both parties. Refuse to engage and the battle disintegrates
and all that remains is a discussion between two people who love each other
deeply. Not only is that manageable but productive and rewarding as well. The
threat of potentially stressful situations arising between you is squelched,
thus enabling both parties to share a safe haven and fully enjoy their sacred
union of love. Now go live happily ever after the way God intended.
Order The Secret
Side of Anger, Second Edition or The Great Truth @
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