Do you enjoy a good fight? I don't but I know some people
who do. Regardless of who we are interacting with, differences of opinion,
issues , and conflict will arise periodically. Some approach arguments with
zest, others with great trepidation, and some avoid them at all costs. There
are times when it is wise to circumvent the issue; other times they must be
addressed head on. But is it possible to prevent a discussion from escalating
into a full-blown fight? And how do you know when to proceed and when to simply
walk away?
Let's begin by identifying the difference between a
discussion, argument, and fight. Upon consulting with Mr. Webster, as I often
do, and analyzing the definition of each term, I discovered the following:
discussions, debates, disagreements, and disputes share certain
characteristics. They are an exchange of opposing ideas - plain and simple.
Arguments, on the other hand, include an additional component of proof:
proof of accuracy or fact, proof of being right. The moment we engage in
issues of right and wrong we run the risk of a civil discussion escalating into
an argument. Many people struggle with insecurity
and pride and will resist being proven wrong. It's humiliating and embarrassing
and in order to maintain their dignity they will defend their position
regardless.
Fighting involves an element of hostility - a desire to
overcome an individual; to gain control over; to dominate. Now, a mere
disagreement has intensified to issues of authority over the other party to which
they may respond with self-protective aggression in order to preserve their position
and safety.
While it certainly seems more advantageous to rationally and
calmly discuss an issue, how does one know if and when it is necessary to
elevate a debate into a full-blown (verbal)fight?
Here are a few points to consider:
First: Determine the nature and seriousness of the issue at
hand. It will fall into one of three possible categories:
a) insignificant (let it go - not worth the time
or effort*)
b) important
(needs to be discussed to obtain a possible resolution)
c) critical
(matter of life or death, moral issue, involving personal safety - absolutely imperative
to get resolved).
Second: Examine your motives and intent.
a) Are
you seeking to be right? To prove the other party wrong? Do you want to teach
them a lesson, put them in their place, or simply make a point? Are you
arrogant, self-righteous, hurtful or mean-spirited? If so, you are operating in
a place of ego and need to reexamine
your motives.
b) Are
you interested in learning about the other person's ideas, values, needs, and wants?
Do you have a strong desire to gain a deeper understanding and awareness of the
issue at hand? Are you concerned about clearing up a possible misunderstanding,
resolving a problem, healing a rift, assisting the other party, or preventing
harm from occurring? Spirit concerns itself equally with the well-being of all
parties and make morally responsible choices.
So much of what we fight about is relatively insignificant
in the whole scheme of life. Put everything into perspective. While debating issues
can be exciting and rewarding, it is fully within our grasp to maintain them at
a safe level and prevent them from escalating into something far more serious and
destructive. Be discerning. Reserve the intense emotions for the issues that
hold true significance. And even then, remain open-minded, fair, reasonable,
and respectful. You will gain far more traction in successfully resolving the
dispute when maintaining your integrity.
*Refer to the 10 Year Rule: "Will this issue matter in
ten years? Will I even remember it?" If the answer is "no" then
let it go.
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