People don't typically want to interact with those they
consider to be bullies or tyrants. Yet contrary to popular belief, bullies are
not bad people. It's their behaviors that are appalling. They act out their pain, loneliness,
insecurities, and so on in the most offensive and unkind ways. But as I've
stated repeatedly, behavior is only an outward expression of one's internal
issues. Having said that, many people are hesitant to interact with them,
uncertain of the bully's reactions or if they will be safe in doing so. Others
label bullies in a very derogatory manner, stating that they are not worth their
time and effort.
With the exception of those times when you or someone else
is in imminent danger, there are some steps you can take to reach out and
intervene with a bully.
HA-HA SORB Method
stands for help, assert, humor, avoid, self-talk, own it, reach out, and
befriend.
H: Help. Whenever
we encounter a bully, we have two options regarding offering assistance: we can
either go for it or give it. If we witness someone being mistreated, we can
intervene if we feel qualified and comfortable doing so and if there is no
immediate or severe threat to the self. An approach that is composed, confident,
thoughtful, sincere, objective, non-threatening, and understanding can often
diffuse the situation, give the bully pause for thought, and can prevent the
situation from escalating. In the event the situation is of a more serious
nature, one can call for or go for help, enlisting the assistance of those more
qualified to intercede. We are called upon by God to be stewards for one
another and either approach is a morally righteous one.
Ex: One can, "What's going on here? Is something wrong/is there a problem? Can I
help either of you?" Or, "You
need to stop right now or I'm calling for help."
A: Assert. Bullies,
whether adults or children, seek to gain power and control over their targets
by instilling fear in them through intimidation, threats, coercion, or
manipulation. Any sign of weakness on the part of target affirms that the bully
has authority thus enabling them to continue their aggressiveness. Assertive
actions send a clear message to the offender, by the target, that they have the
confidence and skills necessary to impede their efforts as they remain
emotionally unaffected by their demands.
Ex: "I have no interest in arguing with you."
"I will not allow this to happen." "What you are doing is
unkind/illegal/against company policy and needs to stop right now before
matters get worse."
H: Humor. Humor
is one of the most powerful tools for deflecting anger, neutralizing aggression, calming tensions, and diffusing a bully.
However, there are some caveats. One must be certain that humor is appropriate
for the situation and that it is never directed at the other party but only at
the self or the circumstances.
Ex: "I can be a dork sometimes! In fact, my name is listed in the dictionary
under 'geek' It says, 'See Janet'." "I can't believe I did that - how
embarrassing!"
A: Avoid. If
there is someone who you know is a tyrant there is no shame in avoiding them
whenever possible. Why put yourself in harm's way or invite drama into your
life when a simply change in your course of direction can alleviate any undue
stress? In doing so, not only do you protect yourself but you are actually giving
an unintended gift to the persecutor by not providing an opportunity for them
to misbehave and possibly get in trouble.
Ex: If you know that individual always arrives at work precisely
at 8 pm, either arrive slightly beforehand or enter through another doorway.
S: Self-talk. Our
internal dialogue is responsible for all of our feelings. What we say to
ourselves (our thoughts) determine how we feel and thus how we react or
respond. Reminding ourselves that no one is born a bully, that it is a learned
behavior and/or a defense mechanism, we can be more compassionate and
understanding that this individual is dealing with issues of insecurity or low
self-esteem. Their behaviors are an attempt to protect themselves from a
perceived threat or to raise their image among their peers. Self-talk will either
cause us to be fearful and angry towards them or be more understanding while boosting
our self-confidence in how we deal with them.
Ex: "John's not a bad guy. He's a devoted father but
seems insecure about his job. I can forgive him, set some boundaries, and find
a way to get along with him as best as possible."
O: Own It. If you
are being targeted, take ownership for who you are, any mistakes you've made,
any imperfections you may have, or for the simple truth about yourself. Doing
so illustrates your awareness of truth, ability to feel comfortable and
accepting of it, and diffuses the bullies authority over our feelings and
response.
Ex: "Yes, I am grossly overweight and I know it puts me
at risk for all sorts of health issues. Hopefully one day soon I'll take action
to improve my health."
R: Reach Out.
This is a difficult step that few are willing to embark upon. Reaching out to
the aggressor puts one at risk for rejection, ridicule, retaliation or more.
However, it is the first step to breaking down the barriers of fear they are
struggling with and hopefully building some level of trust in the relationship.
Undeniably challenging, this will no
doubt take time and skillful effort to accomplish. Start small; be consistent;
and like water running over a jagged rock and eventually smoothing the stone's
sharp edges, in time a level of trust can occur and the offensive behavior will
subside.
Ex: First encounter:
"Hi, John." Second: "Hey, John. How's it going?" Third:
"John, have you seen Sharon? I need to ask her a question."Fourth:
"How was your weekend? Did you see the Yankee's game on Saturday?"
(Re: persistence and patience pays huge dividends.)
B: Befriend. As
you establish a pleasant, non threatening relationship, the other party begins
to see you as someone they can trust. In time, you can be a friend, on a
limited basis if you choose, who can be influential in their progression from being
an intimidator to a confident, secure, more approachable individual.
Ex: "My wife baked cookies last night. I brought some
in for you. Hope you like them." "Can I help you with that
project?" "We're having cake for Martha for her birthday. Won't you
please join us in the lounge?"
I want to reiterate that bullies are not bad people; they
are the product of fear and insecurity.
"Those who are
the most difficult to be kind to and befriend are the ones who need it the
most."
Many bullies have histories of having been mistreated or
abused. What they need more than condemnation and exclusion is understanding,
fair guidelines in the relationship, reasonable consequences for their
offensive behaviors, and a strong support system. In this way, they can begin
to heal their issues, get along better with family and peers, and lead morally
upright lives.
"The only way to defeat your
adversary is to make him your ally."
Order your copy of Janet Pfeiffer's Award-winning book on
bullying: "THE ORCHIDS OF GATEWAY LANE" today! Available
only at http://www.pfeifferpowerseminars.com/pps1-products.html
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