In last week's show, we spoke about why some people choose
not to forgive and why it's essential to do so. There are many reasons and two
of the biggest are: they feel the person is not deserving of being forgiven; 2.
they feel that should they grant pardon, the other party will think the
incident was not serious, will not have to be held accountable, or may very
well repeat the offense. Although none
of these is true, they are considered by many to be valid reasons. However, as
I stated previously, to withhold absolution can have dire consequences for the
one who was harmed.
"Not forgiving is like drinking poison and
expecting the other person to die." (unknown)
The act of exoneration has multiple benefits including
freeing one from anger, animosity, bitterness, hatred or thoughts of revenge.
It restores inner peace and joy. It reduces the risk of physical and emotional
maladies or from interfering with having other healthy relationships. It also
keeps the door open for a possible reconciliation of both parties at some point
in the future. Forgiveness is not for the other person; it is a gift you give
yourself, the gift of serenity.
Assuming you have made the decision to let go of the
incident, how do you proceed?
Forgiveness, for many, is not immediate. It is a process of healing emotionally
and spiritually and can take some time. Keep in mind: one need not forgive and
forget. To forget what has transpired, such as an assault, puts one at risk for
the incident to reoccur. Forgive but remember without negative emotions. Keep
in mind, too, that while some believe the old adage that time heals all wounds,
in truth time heals nothing. It is the act of pardoning that heals.
Here are some steps you can take to let go of the anger and
move beyond the incident.
1. Keep in mind that all of us are human and mistakes, selfish
acts, fear, betrayals, disappointments and such are all a normal part of the
human experience. One cannot journey through life without ever offending or
disappointing others. To forgive means to refrain from judgment and to make
allowances for man's imperfections.
2. Change your perception of the person or incident. Life
isn't about truth and reality; it is about perception - how we choose to see
others or the world. Perception is simply a thought. We choose a thought,
either one that is kind or judgmental. So ask
yourself, "Am I being fair in my assessment of this person or
incident? Was there a misunderstanding? Am I over reacting to what happened?"
Your thoughts create your feelings (refer to T~E~~C~O Magic*). Therefore, all
one really needs to do to change how they feel is to change what they are
thinking. See the offender through the eyes of kindness, understanding, and
fairness.
"Do not judge me until
you have walked a mile in my shoes." - Native American philosophy
3. Realize that every experience that enters your life is a
critical part of your life's journey. Each person and situation provides the
opportunity for you to fulfill your Divine Destiny and to bring you into closer
communion with God. Rather than find fault with or complain about what
happened, find its value. Be grateful
for the opportunity to further your spiritual development. Gratitude thwarts
anger and bitterness.
4. Pray. Prayer is a powerful form of communication with the
Divine. It's like holding on to the hand of a fire fighter as he guides you out
of a burning building to safety. Conversation with God provides us with
guidance, comfort, and the strength to do God's Will rather than succumbing to
our anger or desires, for our need for justice. Our first responsibility is
always to abide by the Father's directives, not to surrender to our ego.
"Align with the Divine" is a simple but powerful mantra to remind us
that we must always respond to life from a spiritual perspective, in a way
reflective of God's Love.
Also, it's important to pray for the one who committed the
offense. Rather than seeking revenge, pray for their healing, for whoever
commits a hateful act upon another is in need of healing not punishment. God's
Way is to heal and our way must be His Way. James 5: tells us to "Pray for
others so that you may be healed." This is a prayer I recite for those who
have betrayed me:
"Heavenly Father,
please help _____ to keep their heart and mind open to you today and everyday,
allowing you to work through them, with them, and in them, helping them to
become the person you created them to be. And help me also to remember every
day that what is happening between them and me is not between the two of us. It
is always between you and I. Amen."
If necessary, one can also take the following steps towards
forgiving:
1. Discuss with the other person what happened and why for
the sole purpose of understanding their position. Clear up any
misunderstandings. Discuss facts only. Refrain from blame or excuses. Accept
responsibility for your part.
2. Discuss how each person felt. This may be uncomfortable
but is necessary to more fully understand the impact this incident has had on
both parties.
3. Decide what you both want to happen now. Do you want a
reconciliation, a chance to rebuild your relationship, or would it be best to
part ways, amicably? What can each party do to accomplish this?
4. Focus on and remember everything good about the person.
Remember, thoughts dictate feelings. One act of bad judgment does not erase all
the good in someone.
5. Separate the behavior from the individual. Behaviors are
not who we are; they are outward expressions of our internal environment and
issues. Remind yourself that this person is still a sacred child of God,
deserving of love and forgiveness.
6. Detach and let go of all negative feelings. Revisit the
incident as an objective observer, not an active participant.
7. Extract the value of the experience. Learn the lessons,
be grateful, let go, and move forward.
Keeping in mind that this experience is a process and may
take time and effort, how does one know if they have in fact truly forgiven the
other party? When the following elements are present:
1. Have you let go of the need to discuss it? It has served
its purpose and needs no more of your time or energy.
2. Can you think about the offender without anger or
animosity?
3. If you came face-to-face with them, would you feel at
ease?
4. Are you at peace with what happened although not
necessarily happy about it?
5. Does the thought of the other party suffering for their
offense cause you sadness?
6. Can you be grateful for the experience and see how it has
actually been a blessing in your life?
Remember, forgiveness is a gift you give yourself. It is the
ultimate act of self-love for it enables you to live in the peace and joy that
God intended for you.
Mark 11: 25 "And when you stand praying if you hold
anything against anyone forgive them so that your Father in Heaven may forgive
you your sins."
I invite you to watch a very powerful video on the
importance of forgiveness at www.FromGodWithLove.net.
*T~E~~C~O Magic* in The Secret Side of Anger
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