No matter who we are or where we go in life, we encounter
people who are struggling with personal issues and are not easy to engage with.
They can prove challenging to deal for a variety of reasons. Often times, we
feel ill-equipped to effectively deal with them. Some, feeling overwhelmed or unprepared,
simply disengage and avoid any interaction at all. Others may become defensive
or hostile toward them in an attempt to manage
them or pressure them to change. Those who feel sympathetic, in an attempt
to be supportive, can sometimes become enablers. Yet none of these fully
resolves the situation.
Let's take a moment and examine the differences between anger,
boundaries, compassion, and enabling and
which are productive choices and why:
Anger is a
normal, healthy, useful emotion if understood and properly channeled. Anger, as
are all emotions, is a messenger, a warning, that there is something in our
lives that does not meet our standards. It could be a moral issue, personal or
social one. Anger alerts us to the fact that something needs our attention in
order to rectify it according to our beliefs and preferences. Once the message
is received, there is no longer a need for anger. The entirety of our energy
and efforts can be channeled into making positive changes.
Boundaries are
the rules and guidelines we establish that create balance in our relationships
and keep them healthy. Each party has a right to determine for themselves how
they want to be treated, what they will not tolerate, and the consequences
others will face should they disregard them. Boundaries can be interpreted as
controlling, rigid, demanding or selfish. But in truth, if applied correctly,
are an act of self-love as well as one of respect for the other party. All
parties determine for themselves how they want to be treated and mature, caring
adults will respect each side.
Compassion is the
ability to feel another person's pain and suffering. Similar to empathy, which
also identifies and understands the person's feelings and difficulties,
compassion also encompasses a strong desire to alleviate their suffering. When
we are able to put ourselves in the other person's position and imagine how it
would feel if we were experiencing it, we gain a deeper understanding of the
seriousness of the incident from the other's perspective and in that regard
feel compelled to make matters better.
Enabling is
characterized by making excuses for one's poor behavior as well as engaging in
ways that allow the other party to continue their self-destructive behaviors.
Enablers sense the other person's pain but are at a loss to alleviate it. They
need to make themselves feel some sense of relief by not imposing further
hardships on the individual and therefore don't hold them accountable for their
actions. Additionally, the troubled person is not challenged to find solutions on
their own nor change their behaviors. The enabler takes full ownership for
protecting that person, covering up the truth, and being fully responsible for
their safety, care, and well-being. They believe that without their efforts the
offender would not survive. This is certainly a grandiose way of thinking as
they see themselves as saviors and martyrs and the only one capable of helping
this person.
Having said that, people often have difficulty determining
which approach to apply when dealing with someone who exhibits disturbing
behaviors, particularly those struggling with an unforeseen hardship. Here are
some common examples and how each of the ABCE apply.
Scenario 1:
Many parents find themselves with adult children who have
moved back home after completing their schooling. Unable to find a job or perhaps
unmotivated to do so, they become users, living off the generosity of their
parents. The parents absorb all of their expenses while the child fails to pay
rent or even help with household chores. "The job market is bad. Bob is
searching for a really great job and doesn't want to settle for just anything.
He's trying to figure out who he is."
Clarification
/Solution:
The parent may become angry
with their child yet feel a continued sense of responsibility for their
well-being. Others may feel guilty should they allow themselves to become
irate. And still others may bypass anger altogether going directly to compassion instead. It is nearly
impossible to seperate our child's emotional pain from becoming ours. From this point, it's easy to progress to
making excuses: "The job market is weak - it's not my child's fault that
he can't find a good job as an art critic." It's easy to then proceed from
compassion to enabling. But in doing
so we prevent the child from being
challenged to find his way in the world and determine for himself how he must
survive on his own. Enabling cripples
the child's emotional growth and maturity, keeping them locked into the role of
a dependent child.
However, by imposing limits, guidelines, and boundaries, the parent challenges the
child to find their own solutions, thus forcing him to take full ownership of
his life, tap into his creative genius, and push himself into maturity and
independence.
Scenario 2:
You've been dating your boyfriend for nearly six months and
realize that he is very controlling and oftentimes verbally unkind, maybe even
abusive. You know his history of having grown up without his father. Being the
oldest of four children and having a mother who worked two jobs to support
them, he took on a lot of adult responsibilities at a very early age. He had to
discipline his younger siblings, telling them what to do and not do. The
pressure of raising them left him with little patience so it's not uncommon for
him to become irritated, fly off the handle, and say hurtful things.
Clarification
/Solution:
Being mistreated by anyone should send up red flags and
needs to trigger our anger, warning
us that we are in some kind of danger. Our moral code of behavior is being
violated and requires immediate attention. While it's perfectly normal and
admirable to feel compassion for any
person forced to grow up under such unfortunate circumstances, one must take
extreme caution not to become an enabler
and make excuses for their pain and frustration. Who among us has not had to
deal with hurt in our own past? Adults must take ownership and address these
issues so as not to perpetrate them on others or continue to suffering
themselves.
In this case, setting strong boundaries expressing how you expect to be treated and the
consequences for ignoring them, is critical to the safety and well-being of the
observer. Failure to do so could have
deadly consequences.
Compassion is a
healthy and vital attribute in all of our relationships. It shows our humanity
towards one another, binds us together emotionally, and strengthens and fosters
healthy caring relationships.
Enabling is fear-based
(that the other party will not be ok without our intervention and protection)
and satisfies our own need for grandeur and importance. Viewing oneself as a
selfless savior and humanitarian is self-serving and egotistical. The dynamics
of the relationship shows a predominant concern for the so-called savior's own
emotional peace of mind over the actual welfare of the other party. The
offender remains emotionally crippled and dependent on their benefactor, thereby
continually reinforcing the guardian's illusion and unhealthy need of being
their redeemer.
Boundaries are a
healthy act of self-love (making certain one is treated with dignity and
respect at all times) and respect for the other person as well, adhering to
their preferences as to how they expect to be treated. While not always easy to
create or enforce, boundaries are essential to the well-being and longevity of
any relationship. Both parties learn to make the necessary sacrifices and
accommodations to maintain the relationship (aka compromise), communicate more
clearly and honestly, and ultimately value one another more as a result.
Anger, boundaries, and
compassion all play a vital role in
our long standing relationships. Enabling
is a selfish, self-destructive behavior that ultimately wears down the enabler
on an emotional, psychological, physical, and sometimes financial level. This
is the only behavior of those we've discussed that is always destructive. So
whether you're dealing with an alcoholic, drug addict, a family member deep in
debt, or a pleasant coworker who is undeniably incompetent, allow the anger
(as a messenger only), set and enforce reasonable and fair boundaries, add an healthy dose of compassion, and eliminate enabling
completely. And in doing so, you can have healthy, happy, respectful, and mutually
satisfying relationships for a lifetime.
Love is caring more about the other person's well-being than
your own discomfort. Sometimes love means saying "no".
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