Although we often classify a person's actions as
problematic, in truth a person's conduct is never the real problem. Behavior is
nothing more than an outward expression of an internal issue. For example, if
an individual is in a bad mood and arguing with those around them, the fighting
simply indicates a possible insecurity or fear. Perhaps the person is worried
about their health and others are offering unsolicited advice. Their angst is
overwhelming and can easily be expressed as agitation, causing them to
vehemently dispute every suggestion for possible treatment.
A common reaction for a child who is being teased is crying,
followed by an angry outburst. The emotion that proceeds the anger is critical
to identifying the underlying cause: crying indicates pain or hurt - either
physical or emotional. Like an animal who's been injured, one lashes out as a
means of self-protection. Fear of experiencing further pain compels the individual
(or animal) to summon their rage in an attempt to get the attacker to back off.
Keep in mind, too, that the offensive behavior may in no way
be connected to what is transpiring in the moment. Very often, there are old
unresolved issues from one's past that are being triggered by what is currently
taking place. The person is not necessarily responding to the present stimuli
but it serves as a reminder of a prior event.
In prior shows, I've discussed the three root causes of
anger: hurt, fear, and/or frustration. As I just mentioned, the preceding
emotion to anger invites a deeper insight into TIBBs: The
Issues Behind the Behaviors.
Certainly people can deny their anger or try to suppress or control it.
However, none of these allows for a healing
to occur. Denial of cancer does not heal the disease. Only when it is
identified and treatment (whether conventional or holistic) begins does the afflicted
activate the healing process and restoration of wellness.
So how does one identify the issues behind the behaviors?
Again, taking a moment to ascertain the prior emotion is a perfect beginning to
unraveling this puzzle. From there, one needs to work backwards to the point of
origin, much the way a detective at a crime scene would. Here are some examples:
Monday night I was not in my typical cheerful frame of mind.
Having to take a family member to court is something I prayed for a long time
would not occur. But luck was not on my side and an attorney needed to be
retained. Whenever I have contact with him, I become extremely distressed and
conflicted. Being inquisitive as to how this issue was progressing, my husband
queried me as to what the latest news was. If humans could growl, my response
to him, while not disrespectful by any means, had a hint of canine in it.
"It's not going well at all! I just don't want to pursue this but I'm
caught in the middle and have to continue."
I was annoyed (the
mildest form of anger) and responded abruptly. But what emotion kindled the irritation?
Hurt, for certain, that such a close family member could set out to
deliberately harm me. Secondly was frustration that without legal
representation I was basically powerless (from a purely human/physical
perspective). Granted, I could choose to do nothing at all but doing so would
only give cause for a continued problem with said family member. Lastly was
fear - not the terrifying kind but a deep concern that justice would not
prevail and that this individual would continue to cause duress in my life as
they have for many years prior.
Once able to identify the root cause(s), I need to continue regressing
to uncover the issues behind them. The
hurt I was experiencing revealed several concerns: first that someone I loved
and trusted for my entire life could become so vengeful towards me. The trust
we shared for more than half a century was broken and most likely would never
be restored. Betrayal is a deep wound that could take years to heal. Add to
that the fact that a valued relationship had ended and I felt a sense of grief
as well.
Behind the fear existed the deep sense of a responsibility I
was granted that I may not be able to fulfill due to unforeseen circumstances.
There was more at stake here than just myself. Many others were dependent on my
ability to fulfill my duties. I was deeply afraid of disappointing them, even
though on every level they would understand completely. I was also concerned
that I would be letting down the ones who entrusted this task to me. When given
a responsibility, I have always felt compelled to follow it through no matter
what. I was taught to never quit and it is nearly impossible for me to do so,
even when completely justified. In that regard, I see myself as having failed
and for me, that's a tough burden to carry.
Interestingly, the frustration arose from conflicting
beliefs. When one feels powerless over a situation, they need to stop and
inquire if said circumstance needs more energy or effort of another kind, or
does it fall into the not meant to be
category? Ego and its need for justice was at odds with spirit who argued that
perhaps God wanted me to let go and trust that He would right this injustice.
So in summary, my (mild) anger was not the issue. Behind it
lied the trifector: hurt, fear, and
frustration. And beneath each of those resided issues of a broken trust, grief
(loss of a loved one), a possible exaggerated sense of responsibility, fear of
disappointing others, and inability to accept a perceived defeat. The battle
between ego and spirit was at the root of my frustration: seek justice or allow
an inequity to prevail? Or is the real issue to allow God's justice to triumph over
my version?
In this particular situation, the issue was a bit more
complex than in others yet the process to uncover TIBBs (The
Issues Behind the Behaviors)
is the same. In order to heal anger, one must be willing to undergo this
somewhat lengthy, and sometimes, challenging process in order to emerge strong
and healthy. Failure to do so only gives license for those unresolved issues to
fester and grow, interfering with one's ability to be happy and live
unencumbered by life's relentless challenges.
What I need to work on are these:
Healing the hurt: only when we set up expectations of
others do we put ourselves at risk to be hurt and disappointed. As much as I
disapproved of the actions of my family member, I also realize that I have no
right to impose my ways on her. What she is doing, as morally reprehensible as
it is, is a necessary part of her spiritual journey. Once I am able to fully
accept this, I can remove the judgments I've placed on her and find the inner
peace I am seeking.
Healing the grief: we hold on too tightly to our
relationships, especially those of a personal nature. We subscribe to the adage
that blood is thicker than water; that you should always be able to count on
your family. Yet in truth, our families are made up of imperfect beings with
their own issues and agendas. No relationship, sans God, is meant to last
forever. I need to remind myself that we shared a lot of good years together
and as in death we are no longer a part of each other's lives.
Let go of responsibility: even the most trustworthy
and conscientious people sometimes fall short of fulfilling their duties.
Unforeseen circumstances can deter the most determined of us. Like the weather,
there are some things we simply don't have control over. This in no way
indicates a failure on the part of the entrusted one. I have always defined
failure as a lack of effort. As long as one makes a concerted attempt there is
some success that has been achieved. Letting go is in no way a reflection of my
integrity or worth. It can be a recognition of the wisdom of letting things
simply be; trusting that life is meant to unfold naturally and not necessarily
according to my desires.
Neutralizing frustration: the battle between spirit
and ego is a universal one that plagues all of humanity. In this instance, I
need to remind myself that God's Will must take precedence over mine. Relying
on Scripture for guidance, I found passages that seemed to contradict
themselves. From Isaiah 1:17: "Learn to do right; seek justice. Defend the
oppressed. Take up the cause of the fatherless; plead the case of the widow."
Yet Luke tells us in Chapter 6:29 "If someone slaps you on one cheek turn
the other also. If someone takes your coat, do not withhold your shirt from
them." Therein lies the root of my concern: how can I fully know how God
wants me to proceed in this issue?
If you were diagnosed with Parkinson's disease
and your doctor gave you a list of activities you must abide by in order to
heal your body, there would be no
hesitation in following his directives immediately and completely. Yet many
will be hesitant to embark on this journey of emotional healing claiming it is
time consuming and tedious. But this I can promise you: that if you put forth
effort you will achieve success. And as with any new practice, in time it will
become second nature and you will more easily be able to decipher and heal the
underlying issues behind your anger. Here you will discover your inner
sanctuary.
Remember, behaviors are never the problem but behaviors can
create problems. Identify and heal TIBBs
and there you will find your peace. I wish you the best.
Order The
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