Relationships are critically important in our lives. On a
professional level, being a good team player and getting along well with others
enables us to maintain our jobs and receive such perks as bonuses or
promotions. Also, connecting with the right people can advance our careers
providing we have good interpersonal skills. How people feel about us on the
job plays an important role in how successful we are professionally speaking.
In our social lives, relationships take on another vital role.
Being able to form and sustain healthy bonds with others impacts the number and
nature of our friendships, provides opportunities in social settings, allows
for ease of living in our neighborhoods, improves our health, and contributes
to our overall enjoyment of life.
On a personal level, strong intimate connections bond people
together in marriage and secure the future of the human population. Intimacy of
an emotional nature holds families together during life's most challenging
times. It also multiplies our happiness and sustains us through our darkest
moments. It allows for a deeper understanding of all parties which foster
personal awareness, compassion, and growth.
We are challenged to become better people as a result of knowing others
intimately.
Humans are social creatures by nature and therefore need a
strong skill set in order to develop and maintain mutually satisfying and
healthy, balanced, long term partnerships. Getting along well with others
lessens the chance of damaging conflict from erupting, eases tensions between both
parties, enables the individual to forgive the indiscretions of the other,
extends support and compassion to each other, and genuinely enjoys the company
of one another. Learning to work or cohabitate in close proximity with others
is not an easy task but certainly one that is attainable and definitely
rewarding.
In recent studies it has been shown that those in healthy
relationships are not only the happiest but the healthiest as well. They also
have a longer projected life expectancy than those who are loners or who have
difficulty interacting successfully with others.
For the most part people put forth a sincere effort in
trying to get along with others. After all, it's just common sense that the
more gratifying our interactions are with others the less stress between us.
Healthy friendships are easier on every level and people seek to avoid drama as
much as possible. When we truly care about others and the nature of our
interactions with them, we treat them in a manner that benefits all parties.
"Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." This philosophy
has served mankind well for centuries.
Yet even with our best efforts we still find ourselves
arguing, fighting, hurting one another, and becoming frustrated, disappointed,
and disillusioned to the point where relationships suffer or fail. Many people are
clueless as to what went wrong. Instead, of taking ownership for their role,
they find fault with the other person: "You're never satisfied with
anything I do for you! I was a good husband/wife - there was no reason to leave
me." "I put my heart and soul into my job. How could they possibly
fire me? This is so wrong!"
It's difficult for individuals to fully comprehend their
role in why a relationships didn't work. We praise ourselves for everything we
do right, for all of the effort we put forth, and for everything we overlooked
in the other person. We're also quick to criticize the other person for their
imperfections and the mistakes they made. And in doing so, we remain oblivious.
Relationships are like mirrors: they reflect back to us
aspects of who we are that we may not be aware of. If I want to look my best, I
cannot see precisely what I look like without the assistance of a full length
mirror to reflect back to me my own image. If I want to be the absolute best person I can be, I need others to point out to
me what they see that I may be blind to. Yet when others comment on what they
view as an imperfection, we fail to listen objectively to their comments. I do
not deny the physical image the mirror reflects back to me. On the contrary: I
am grateful that if I see something I do not like, I have the opportunity to
correct it. Yet if someone points out a perceived flaw or defect, rather than
appreciate their input, I become defensive and lash out at them. In essence, I
deny myself the opportunity to learn something that may enable me to become a
better person.
If you want to have strong, healthy, loving, joyful,
respectful relationships you must be courageous enough to ask the following
question. (And no, it's not "What don't you like about me?") The
question is: "Tell me what it's like
being with me?" This question is not for the faint-of-heart and if you
are not fully prepared to consider the response, do not venture down this road.
The difference between the two questions I posed is that
question number ("What don't you like about me?") opens one up to
criticism, a perceived attack from the commentator on what they believe to be
the shortcomings and liabilities of the listener. Few people are willing to hear
such comments and may respond by attacking the integrity of the other party stating
that they should be looking at their own faults rather than commenting on
someone else's. The second question, ("Tell
me what it's like being with me?" ), focuses on the individual's personal experience of being in your
presence.
Think of it from this perspective: imagine they are relaying
their experience of being in the rain. They are not criticizing the
precipitation itself but instead are speaking objectively about their first
hand encounter of getting wet. Likewise with communicating their feelings about
being with you, the inquiring party: since the focus is not on you, there is no
need to become defensive and retaliate. You can simply listen to a recount of
that person's feelings about their encounter with you. Though not necessarily
easy to listen to, it can be one of the most insightful opportunities of your life.
"When we're together, I feel uncomfortable, as though I need to monitor
everything I say." Or it can be positive: "When I'm with you, it's
like being with an old friend - very easy."
Keep in mind: this is not a question for the fearful or
insecure. One must be willing to listen quietly, open-mindedly, and without
interruption to a complete recount of what the other person encounters when in
your company. In doing so, you are able to see yourself through their eyes and gain some deep personal insights into the
manner in which you portray yourself. The way we perceive ourselves is rarely the
same as others do. Most of us live in denial about the way we behave or are eager
to make lame excuses for our actions that we would not afford others.
This exercise is critical in determining whether or not we
fully know ourselves and are portraying ourselves accurately (i.e. we are
living authentically, do our actions perfectly reflect our intrinsic nature?).
Additionally, we will discover what works well and what doesn't with the other
person. I may have a very strong energy that for the majority of people does
not present a problem. But for my best friend I may project myself as
aggressive or angry. Knowing this allows me to adjust the way I interact with her
in a way that she can better relate to and feels more comfortable with. Doing
so naturally improves the quality of the relationship.
If I want to look my best then I need a full length mirror
to reflect back to me what I cannot see on my own. If I want to be my best, then I need the assistance
of others who also mirror back to me what they see that is troublesome so that
I may remove it from my persona or improve upon it. Only in doing so can I
become the best version of myself possible. I owe that to myself, to others,
and to the One who created me. So take the plunge: inquire of others "Tell
me what it's like being with me?" Then sit back, close your mouth, open
your ears, and listen with the intend to understand and evolve. What others
think of you really does matter.
In each of our relationships,
let the well-being of the other person be our primary concern. Always be
certain that their lives have been enriched for having spent time in our
presence.
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*https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2015/09/16/the-science-behind-ptsd-symptoms-how-trauma-changes-the-brain/
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