We all get angry from time-to-time. Sometimes our anger is
righteous, that is to say it is justifiable and other times without valid
cause. For instance, imagine your child is late returning from an evening
basketball game. He does not call to let you know that the game went into
overtime. You're unable to reach him and
become fearful that something awful may have happened to him. It was also
agreed upon that he would call if he was going to be late. Your trust has been
violated in addition to the fact that you are frantic (fear: a root cause of
anger). Most would agree that anger under these circumstances is an appropriate
response.
An unjustifiable cause of anger can occur when we have
unfair expectations of others. For example: we expect that every family member
share equally in the care of their elderly parents. If the majority of the
burden falls upon one member for whatever reason, that person may become irate
and resentful of the others. However, perhaps the others are not logistically
able to assist equally. Or their relationship may not be as strong as the
primary caregiver, thereby dictating to them that their obligations are not as compulsory.
To expect that others share the same values, commitment or goals as we do is
unrealistic. Unmet expectations lead to anger and bitterness.
I've found myself in the latter situation. As my parents
aged, they needed more care. However, the sibling who lived closest to them
supplied sporadic care at best. I chose to put aside a minimum of one day every
week to be with them, caring for whatever needs they had at each stage in their
life. Over the course of twenty years, their needs increased and at times I
felt overwhelmed and exhausted. I had to make a choice: I could be mad at the
other sibling for not being more helpful or I could be sad that she was missing
such a wonderful opportunity to care for two of the most loving parents ever
created. I chose to feel sad for her rather than mad. Anger is judgmental and poses
a threat to my emotional and physical well-being as well as interfering with my
ability to live a serene life. Sadness, on the other hand, does neither. As long as I do not allow it to consume me, being
sad can soften my heart with compassion towards her and prevents bitterness
from manifesting.
The second alternative is to be glad. While this might sound
like an unusual substitution for being angry, it is a very valid one.
Regardless of life's circumstances, I am always given the opportunity to be
joyful. I can view this perceived imbalance of responsibility as a chance for
me to learn to be more understanding, patient, kind, forgiving, respectful, and
non judgmental. After, who am I to demand like attitudes or behaviors from
anyone? Who am I to impose my way on another? I am here to do what I believe to
be right; to do what God expects me to do; to follow my heart and my life's
path. My sibling is not on the same journey as I and I must respect her right
to do what she needs to do. In this regard, I can find appreciation and
happiness in an opportunity to further my spiritual development.
One is always free to change how they feel simply by
refocusing their attention in a different manner. I can focus on what I am
unhappy about, I can judge and label the other party, I can claim that the
situation is unfair and imbalanced, and I can also choose to feel angry and sorry
for myself. Or I can view the other person from a place of sadness that they
are unaware of what they are missing out on; that they are misguided or
resistant to embracing a powerful spiritual opportunity; that they are not
fully living from a place of love and generosity as they appear to be more
consumed with their own lives than that of their parents. Changing my thought
process, my internal dialogue - what I say to myself about them and the
situation - allows me to avoid the anger that comes from judgment and replace
it with compassion that arises out of sadness for their misguided actions. I
can then refocus my thoughts on the valuable lessons I've just acquired, the
spiritual growth spurt I've enjoyed,
and the many blessings surrounding me that I am forever grateful for.
Mad, sad or glad: the choice is yours. Choose your thoughts;
choose your feelings. It's entirely up to you.
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