It doesn't take much to anger some people. Even the most
innocent comments can cause some tempers to flare. Innocuous situations can be
misinterpreted leading to screaming matches, cursing, or physical altercations.
In an instant, violence can erupt where calm once existed and destruction of
property, injury to one's person, or psychological damage can occur. Patience, understanding, forgiveness, and
compassion are replaced by personal entitlement and arrogance.
Consider this: recently a friend of mine named Sara had an
encounter in a store with a unfamiliar woman. The woman's shopping cart was
blocking the isle so Sara, not knowing who the cart belonged to, moved it to
the side. The owner became irate shouting that Sara had no right to touch her
cart and should have asked before moving it. While I consider this a reasonable
request, I do object to her method of inquiry. The woman's purse was in the
cart and she stated her concerned that someone could have taken it to which Sara replied with an attitude,
"If you're so worried about your purse maybe you shouldn't have left it in
the cart and walked away!" The banter escalated into cursing at which point
Sara's friend, Karen, stepped up stating arrogantly that if Sara had been white
the woman never would have treated her this way. Sara concluded by cursing the
woman out and leaving.
There is so much about this situation that was unfortunate.
Certainly, had the woman not left her cart unattended blocking the aisle, none
of this would have transpired. However, had Sara posed a simple request for the
owner to identify herself, this issue could have been easily resolved by the
person moving said cart herself. Regardless of Sara's actions, the woman's
irate response was extremely rude and uncalled for. Rather than trying to
diffuse things, each continued to escalate the situation. Sara's sarcastic
retort resulted in a tirade of profanity. As if that were not enough, Karen added
more fire by turning this into a racial incident. (There was no evidence
what-so-ever that race was a factor.) More profanity spewed by Sara at the
other woman before exiting the store finally brought this event to a close.
Fortunately for everyone, it did not become physical, resulting in injury and/or
possible arrest.
There are several reasons why people respond this way:
1. Entitlement Mindset: Those with a sense of entitlement
feel as though they are above others; that ordinary rules of common courtesy
don't apply to them; and that if they have been wronged in the past they now
have a free pass to walk around with a chip on their shoulder.
2. Responsibility Evaders: They fail to take personal
responsibility. Sara was quick to point out the mistakes of the other woman
without taking ownership for her own actions. If one person acts poorly it does
not justify the other responding likewise. Remember the old adage: two wrongs
don't make a right. The fact that Karen turned this into a racial issue, when
there was no indication it was, is additional proof that neither was holding
themselves accountable for escalating the situation. Making this incident about
skin color, of which Sara has no control, alleviates her of being responsible
simply by default. ("I did not choose my skin color, therefore I'm not
responsible for racial discrimination nor my reaction to it.") This
irrational thought process is invalid both in a legal sense as well as on a
spiritual level.
3. Power Hungry: There are those who thrive on drama
and the sense of power it affords them when they incite it. There is a sense of
power and control over the incident and the individuals involved. They know how
to push buttons and evoke the desired response. This is a form of bullying that
results from low self-esteem and feelings of insecurity.
4. Justice Seekers: One who perceives that prejudice has
occurred feels the need for immediate justice and to restore a sense of
fairness and balance to the relationship. A bruised ego, one who takes personal
offense to another person's actions, is propelled into the "fight"
mode as a means of self-protection.
In summary, in any given situation, we can act like
accelerants and add more fuel to the already dangerous fire. Or we can be as
ice, calming and soothing, preventing any damage from occurring.
Alternative Responses:
1. Always be polite and respectful towards others regardless
of their behavior. Your actions are a reflection of who you are. Be authentic
to your inherent nature - love.
2. Give others the benefit of the doubt. Someone may be
having a bad day or misinterpreted something you said or did. Make allowances
whenever possible and give others a chance to redeem themselves.
3. Acknowledge their feelings and experience. There
experience is valid to them and without recognition it is very difficult to
move forward peacefully. Everyone seeks validation.
4. Offer an apology for anything that may have offended the
other person. An apology is a powerful tool illustrating one's sensitivity to
the other person's feelings or situation. It is not always an admission of
guilt as many believe.
5. Practice diffusing statements such as "I'd like to
discuss this so we can get the issue resolved." "If we could both
remain calm that would be really helpful." "I'm interested in what
you have to say."
6. Be sincere in your desire to resolve the issue quickly
and to the satisfaction of all parties.
7. Whatever you say or do, make certain it emanates from a
place of kindness, respect, concern, and fairness for all parties.
Even the most innocent situations can turn ugly in an
instant. Each of us has the ability to accelerate a heated situation by adding more fire to it
through inciteful words or threatening actions or arrogant attitudes. Or we can
extinguish the flames by adding ice: sincerity, respect, helpful suggestions,
accountability, and fairness.
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