Life doesn't always turn out the way we'd like. When
situations take an unfavorable turn, we become upset, frustrated, or angry.
When others don't agree with us, live their life the way we think they should,
or act in a manner we find disturbing, anger is a typical response. With the
exception a few extreme circumstance, an angry reaction rarely improves the
situation or endears us to the other party.
For the most part, humans have very strong opinions about
how life should be, how others should behave, and about what circumstances
should occur and how they should eventually conclude. We expect a certain
outcome that aligns with our beliefs or with the efforts we put forth. When
situations don't progress or end according to our plans we experience angst as
to how the outcome will affect us and/or those we care about. For example, the
recent presidential election has a portion of the country frightened and angry
about what the future holds with our new president. Unpredictable weather on
our wedding day causes concern for the overall success and enjoyment of our
special day.
In another regard, we are quick to complain when an
individual is not behaving way we want them to or the way we think they should
be. This anger evolves when we label and judge people based on our criteria of
what we believe to be right regarding their attitudes, beliefs, behaviors,
life-style choices, etc. A harsh assessment of the other party leads to harsh
feelings as well. (Thoughts create feelings.)
When anger arises in these areas it's an indication that frustration
or fear is lurking beneath: frustration that we cannot control our
circumstances and fear as to how that situation will impact us and those around
us.
Anger also arises from hurt: if someone criticizes the way
we look we may take personal offense. Their perceived
cruelty and lack of regard for our feelings is disconcerting. We feel
disrespected and our natural defenses take over, fueling the need to correct
them, put them in their place or retaliate with an even more hurtful comment
teaching them that we will not tolerate their ill-mannered behaviors.
In each of the above examples, anger gives us the momentary
feeling of power in a situation where we feel we have lost authority. However,
any person or situation that can cause us to react in a manner not beneficial
to us actually has more clout that we do. Thoughtful consideration of what
feelings and reply are most advantageous actually restores our authentic power.
Consider the following alternatives to anger:
Compassion: a compassionate response can be the
perfect solution to anger. Compassion consists of both understanding and
empathy. We can view the individual whose behavior we find unacceptable from a
place of understanding. Each person has a right to live life according to their
beliefs, dreams, needs, etc. If someone is struggling or acting inappropriately,
rather than becoming irate because they are not living up to my ideals, I can
remove the "shoulds" (unspoken expectations) and in my heart grant
them permission to have the experience they are engaging in, knowing that it is
a necessary part of their life's journey. If they are struggling, lost, or in
pain, I can choose to feel compassion or sadness for their suffering, hoping
that they soon pass through their current challenge to a more joyful place.
Being patient and always treating them with kindness (which may include setting
some reasonable boundaries) during this time are all components of being
compassionate. Choosing this alternative response softens one's heart and prevents
anger from manifesting.
Humor* is another powerful tool for diffusing anger.
We take life far too seriously. We take personal offense to what others are
saying or doing rather than remaining emotionally detached. After all, their
behavior is a reflection of their internal environment and has nothing at all
to do with me. We become agitated when things don't go according to our plans
yet in reality a life that conforms precisely to our dictates teaches us
nothing. We worry and obsess over that which we have no control over or that
which in reality is relatively unimportant. (Ten year rule: will this matter in
ten years? Will I even remember it? If not, then it's not important now.) Humor
puts any serious situation into its proper perspective. It diffuses fear and
angst; it acts as a protective barrier to emotional pain as we recognize that
what is transpiring has nothing at all to do with me; and it makes light of
that which in reality has no significant value.
So when others behave badly, find it in your heart to
forgive them for their indiscretions rather that judge them. When life hands
you the exact opposite of what you requested, make light of it. After all, this
life is only temporary so why get so bend out of shape when it doesn't conform
to your ideals? Rain on your wedding day? Break out the umbrellas and boots and
dance in the puddles!
*Just a note of caution: humor is not intended to be
directed at the other party. One can find humor in the situation or make light
of their own reaction or behavior. Humor must never direct it at the other
person. To do so is disrespectful and may very well make the situation far
worse than it is.
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