We all argue. Well, for sure we all disagree. Arguing is an
option. We can peacefully debate opposite sides of a topic and without having
it escalate to anger, shouting, name-calling, and hurt feelings. Yet oftentimes
it does. When people do not feel as though they are being heard or understood
they become upset. They are concerned that what matters to them will be
overlooked and their needs will not be considered. So they increase the volume or use stronger
words or statements in an attempt to get their point across. The other party
feels as though they are losing control and seeks to regain the upper hand and
thus begins the argument. One or both parties make three key mistakes: 1) They
view their disagreement as a win/lose situation and therefore fight to achieve
victory; 2) Assume that a disagreement involves one side being right and therefore
the other wrong. Each will fight to maintain that their position is the more
valid one. 3) In not feeling heard, the
individual feels disrespected and devalued. Being acknowledged is one of the
fundamental needs of all human beings and allows one to feel a certain amount
of safety and trust within the relationship.
Three key mistakes, three simple tips that can eliminate the
need to argue forever. U~F~O:
Understanding; Firm and Fair; Optimum Outcome.
1. Understanding: it is critical to listen to understand the
other person's position, needs, beliefs, and feelings. Too often, we listen
with the intent of responding which indicates that our reply holds greater
importance than what the other person is sharing with us. This creates feelings
of being minimized and devalued. Those who do not feel important do not feel
safe and will fight harder to protect their rights.
2. Firm and Fair: ask yourself, "Is what I'm seeking to
attain from this discussion fair and reasonable at this time, under these
conditions, with all parties concerned?" Being fair to all those involved
shows respect and integrity and pays huge dividends. It's also critical to be
firm in the way in which you are being treated and in what you are seeking. Let
the other party know how you want to be treated, and what issues you are
willing to compromise on as well as which ones are non-negotiable. Keep in mind, that as time progresses,
circumstances often change and these issues may need to be readdressed.
3. Optimum Outcome: seek to find the solution that will best
serve all parties. This can only be accomplished when both sides understand and
value each person's unique perspective and needs. Each individual must have
some of their needs met on some level in order to feel satisfied so a compromise
is generally the best path to take. Chose the solution that has the most value
for all parties and causes the least amount of hardship or harm to all those
concerned.
Eliminating arguments requires a few simple precautions
coupled with some straightforward strategies. Do not invite your ego to the
discussion as it is more concerned with the self than doing what is right and
best for all parties. Approach the discussion from a place of caring and
generosity. Always consider the other person's feelings and needs equally as
valid as yours. Concern goes a long way.
Proverbs 15:1
A soft answer
turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.
2 Timothy 2:23-24 Have nothing to do with foolish, ignorant controversies; you know that they breed quarrels. And the Lord's servant must not be quarrelsome but kind to everyone...
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