How To Communicate Rationally When You're Angry

Communication is difficult for most of us. It is one of the most necessary interpersonal skills we need yet few have ever been formally trained in. For most, it's a learn-as-you-go process. What makes effective communicating so challenging is that we all converse on different levels and employ varying styles. To know each person's preferences and make the necessary adjustments to accommodate their needs takes a special proficiency, one that few are interested in developing or are ill-equipped to implement. Even under the most comfortable conditions we can find ourselves becoming irritated. Add to that the element of anger and frustration and the process becomes exasperating. Is it possible to communicate rationally when one or both parties are angry? Here are a few pointers to keep in mind:

1. Remember that communication is a process of sharing thoughts, feelings, and ideas in an effort to better understand the issue at hand as well as the other person. It's not about arguing or fighting.

2. Listen not only with your ears but with your heart as well. Listen with the intent to understand rather than formulating your response. Remind yourself that the other person's position, feelings, and needs are as valid to them as yours are to you. Be compassionate and empathetic.

3. Say what you have to say in the most respectful way possible. There are multiple ways to express the same thoughts. Choose the one that will garner the most benefits rather than hurt or offend the other person. Psalms 141:3: “Help me to guard my words whenever I say something.”

4. While it is important to be truthful, remember that most truth is actually perception or opinion. Be flexible and open-minded to hearing an opposing position.

5. Learn to speak without offending, listen without defending. James 1:19: “You should be quick to listen and slow to speak or get angry.” Listening open-mindedly is an art that enables us to learn about ourselves.

6. Avoid accusations and assumptions. Deal with facts only.

7. If you or the other party find yourself becoming agitated, stop and take a break. Practice the SWaT Strategy.* Keep the conversation brief to avoid unnecessary stress or gaffes.

8. Refrain from using the terms right or wrong. Unless the issue is a moral one, most differences are simply that - differences. Right and wrong are not relevant and to engage in a competition of this nature is ego-based and counter-productive.

It's best to communicate when both parties are calm, open-minded, and rational. However, if anger begins to surface, one can still move forward effectively if they choose to practice the above mentioned techniques.  But be forewarned: anything said or done in anger can be extremely damaging and cannot be undone. Therefore, proceed cautiously, taking great care to preserve the integrity of both parties and maintain a mutually respectful relationship. 

Lord, let every word I speak be tempered with kindness.  

*Stop, Walk, and Talk, from The Secret Side of Anger by Janet Pfeiffer

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