What To Do About Annoying People?

I'd venture to say that everyone of us has had to deal with annoying people at some point in our lives. Whether it's a family member who is in everyone's business, a coworker who continually needs your assistance, the know-it-alls who always have to be right or a friend who talks incessantly, short of removing them permanently from your life or blowing up at them in an attempt to make them see the truth about what they're doing, what can be done about annoying people? The answer is twofold and may surprise you.

First: Remember that every solution begins with an examination of the self. Therefore, begin by asking yourself "What is it about me that others may find annoying?" Surprised?  You weren't expecting that I would suggest that perhaps you are the exasperating person others are complaining about.

Begin by carefully examining your attitudes and behaviors so that you may better be aware of your actions that others find offensive. It's also imperative to understand how they impact others. Self-awareness is not always easy so you may find it useful to employ the assistance of others to help you better identify those habits. Try to see yourself through the eyes of those who interact with you.

Secondly: Seek to understand why you are the way you are and why you do what you do. Is there an underlying issue that you need to address and resolve? For example: are you insecure and need to be the center of attention in order to feel important? This realization will better enable you to heal any unresolved issues and make any necessary adjustments, without changing your intrinsic nature- it's about modifying our behaviors, not changing who we are. Ex: I may be loud and gregarious but in a house of worship I must behave in a more subdued manner out of respect.

Thirdly: make the necessary changes and apologize to those who have put up with you thus far. Be sincere in your apology but also keep it light if the issues were relatively minor, such as always talking too much. Interjecting a little humor can be advantageous.

Upon completion of this process, you will undoubtedly notice an improvement in your relationships with others. People will enjoy your company more and both sides will benefit as the time spent together becomes easier and more balanced.

The second answer to "What to do about annoying people?"  is nothing, if you are referring to someone other than yourself. You do nothing. You do not ask nor expect others to be anything other than who they are. None of us has the right to expect others to change for us. Our role in any relationship is to accept and appreciate them exactly as they are; to understand that their actions reflect where they are in their journey in this life and we may not interfere with that. Every aspect of their life is between them and God.

What you can do instead is ask yourself, " Why do I allow their quirky behavior to bother me? What within me needs to heal so that I am more accepting of this individual as they are?"

Perhaps a simple readjustment in the way you see them will enable you to be less judgmental and more tolerant of their idiosyncrasies. If necessary, it's perfectly acceptable to limit the amount of time you  spend with them as well. Go the extra mile and support and encourage them to be the best version of themselves that they can. Show them how they can use their eccentricities to better enrich their lives as well as the lives of others. 

There is always an exception to being accepting: if the other person's behaviors are putting you or someone else at risk, you have a moral obligation to speak up and request that they stop. If they choose not to comply, you are well within your rights to impose a reasonable consequence. 

Providing two diametrically opposed answers may sound like a contradiction. However let me reassure you that it is not. Both answers actually address the self - the only person we are responsible for and the only one we have the ability and right to change.  It is imperative that we always monitor ourselves and our behaviors. In that way, others won't consider us the annoying person they have to deal with. 

1Corinthians: "Let all that you do be done in love."

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Preventing Another Orlando Massacre

Last week our country was shattered by yet another senseless massacre of innocent people. A gunman opened fire inside Pulse, a crowded gay nightclub in Orlando, Florida, early Sunday morning, leaving at least 49 people dead in the worst mass shooting in modern U.S. history. Gays have long been targets of hate crimes throughout the world as have others as well. Heated debates in Congress and among US citizens on gun control laws have been occurring for years but as of late have intensified due to incidences such as this. Some are calling for stricter laws while others insist guns are not the issue since mass murderers will always find a way to maim and kill. The debate continues as people seek to place blame and hold someone accountable. Was it a single person? Did they have an accomplice? Was this the act of terrorists? Having a target enables us to direct our anger at someone with the ultimate goal of bringing that party or parties to justice. In doing so, we feel a momentary sense of satisfaction having restored balance to society and on some level feel a sense of power and control over our environment as well. Tougher gun laws, more surveillance cameras, an increase in security personnel, and harsher punishment for those convicted of such crimes are all considered possible deterrents to these crimes.  However, these only provide a false sense of security for the root cause of such attacks is not being addressed. 

I live nowhere near Orlando yet on some level I must share in the responsibility in this heinous act of violence perpetrated against God's sacred children. And without intent to offend, I also extend that responsibility to each and every one of us as well. Every thought entertained, every word spoken, every action taken is energy, whether positive or negative. And that energy extends throughout the world. The accumulation of every molecule of energy produced by every individual across the planet culminates at some time in some location and in some form. All of the anger, bitterness, hatred, resentment, revenge, prejudice or disdain we have created in our hearts and/or acted out against one other, is not limited to that moment in time nor does that energy dissipate of its own free will. Energy is limitless, without boundaries. What occurs in my home has the potential to impact others in the farthest corners of the Earth. I have no control over it once I've put it out there. It's like a dust particle in the wind: it will travel where it will, with no influence by me or anyone else.

If any of us has ever:

~ Spoken unkindly about another (an individual or specific group of people), deliberately hurt someone physically, emotionally, psychologically or financially, taken our anger out on them and/or failed to make amends, we are co conspirators of the Orlando tragedy.

~ If we have ever sought revenge on someone who hurt us or encouraged others to get even with those who have mistreated them, if we have divided our families, communities, or our country with inflammatory remarks or accusations, we are co conspirators of the Orlando tragedy.

~ If we have held a grudge and chosen not to forgive those who have wronged us, posted hate-filled or derogatory speech on social media, if we have been disrespectful to family members, coworkers, or total strangers, judged someone, or lied about another for our own personal gain, we are co conspirators of the Orlando tragedy.

Every act you and I commit sends the corresponding energy out into the universe. Negative intensifies negative.

 All the gun laws in the world won't prevent another Orlando from happening when the root cause is not how many guns we own nor the type of weapons that are available to us. The cause of the heinous violence committed upon our brothers and sisters is a world that is suffering from a extreme case of moral decay. A decay that stems from the following:

1. A complete lack of respect for all human life. Mankind has taken it upon themselves to relegate humanity into different categories of worth and those on the lower end of the spectrum are subject to maltreatment at the whim of the perpetrator.

2. Fear that propels humans to fight for control over one another in order to preserve the self, their beliefs, and their ways of living that differ from others.

3. Arrogance - a belief rooted in ego that denounces God's authority and His Word and proclaims individual preferences as valid and superior to that of the Divine's.

4. Lack faith in God that life is meant to unfold organically rather than forced accordance with our requirements; that whatever is in our life has purpose and value; to trust in a Divine Plan and a higher purpose to each experience.

One does not have to believe in God to be a good person. They only need to believe in the way of God to live a moral life. That is, they must value all human life as equal; respect and treat one another with kindness and dignity; accept and allow each person their differences and uniqueness; forgive those who mistreated them, whether deliberately or inadvertently; and to love without limits or conditions. Only when you and I make the pledge in our hearts to live, not merely preach, these qualities for all humanity will we ever see an end to such senseless acts of violence inflicted upon God's precious creations. Until then, we must all share in the responsibility for the loss of life in Orlando and beyond. 

I invite you to listen to a very inspiring song that addresses how we can live more peaceful harmonious lives: Listen to God's Way @ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r_P07K5G9qs.

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"AR You Ready to Reduce Anger in Your Relationships?"

Relationships are the most challenging aspect of life whether personal, professional, casual or intimate. Even with those we love deeply, such as family members, getting along can prove challenging. Consider this: more than half of all American families are estranged from one another due in part to unresolved differences.  Yet it is not imperative that our differences be resolved, for if they were then we would all be in agreement with one another all of the time. Not only is that is highly unlikely (or should I say, impossible) but it would prove disadvantageous for healthy relationship as well. Differences are actually wonderful opportunities for personal growth and with some effort we can learn how to coexist successfully with one another in spite of said disparities. Consider this: I'm a neat-freak; my husband is, well...not. My style of decorating is simple but unique decor; his is early garage sale. Yet neither of us has tried to convince nor argued with the other to conform to our way of living. We each respect the other person's taste and have found a way of blending them together. In some instances, we've each taken specific areas of the house that exclusively showcase our unique style while allowing our spouse space enough for theirs as well.

Acceptance: One of the greatest sources of conflict between two parties is one or both person's unwillingness to accept the other exactly where they are in their journey through life. We complain that the other party should be different (more ambitious, responsible, adventurous, thoughtful, etc), should know better (how to treat people), should be more like someone else (honest, hard-working, independent), and so on. We compare and complain rather than accept and appreciate.

A great teacher recognizes that although her freshman class is comprised of all fourteen year olds, each one has reached a different level of maturity, has different interests and talents, and learns in their own unique way and time. The teacher will customize her teaching strategy for each child in such a way as to maximize their learning experience in school. She builds a relationship with each designed to foster a healthy learning environment as well. We would be wise to model our personal and professional relationships after the teacher's strategy.

Respect: the second key component to supporting healthy relationships. Respect's universal definition, according to Webster's Dictionary, is "to value; to place value on". When we respect one another, we treat them with the dignity given to a fine work of art. On every level, we express how much we value and appreciate them as they are - as a friend, coworker, spouse, or simple as a member of our universal family. We resist the urge to pressure or shame them into being someone they're not or behaving in a manner that contradicts where they are in their life's journey of is not consistent with what they must learn in that moment. 

One of mankind's primary needs is to feel important, to be recognized for the unique person they are and to be held in high regard. One who is treated this way by others can more easily deal with the challenges that are a natural part of every relationship. When one feels unworthy, devalued or unaccepted the pain they experience can easily convert to anger as they fight for the recognition they deserve.

You can bring out the best in people or the worst. Always encourage their goodness to shine so that all may benefit from their gifts.

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An In-Depth Look at Anger

According to psychologist Charles Speilberger, Ph.D who specializes in the study of anger, “Anger is an emotional state that varies from mild irritation to intense fury and rage. It's accompanied by physiological, psychological and biological changes. When you get angry, your heart rate and blood pressure elevate, as does the level of energy hormones adrenalin and noradrenalin."  Anger can be triggered by thousands of external events but in reality, every feeling we have is the direct result of our thought process. Therefore, whatever thoughts you are formulating about the event you are witnessing or experiencing actually leads to feelings of anger. For example, a driver cuts me off on the highway. I can say to myself (my thoughts), "This guy's an idiot!" and trigger feelings of rage (intense anger). Or, I can choose to express relief that I was able to avoid a collision. "Thank God I have quick reflexes!", thus producing feelings of gratitude and good fortune. 

Nationally renowned speaker Israel Kalman, MS, offers further insight into anger and defines it as an emotional drive to defeat anyone or anything that we perceive as a threat. In this regard, anger alerts us to the fact that we, or someone or something else, is perceived to be in danger. Adrenalin and noradrenalin prepare us for the flight or fight mode as a means to restore our safety. 

Whenever anger arises, we have several options available to us as to how to handle it. First and foremost, we can train ourselves to monitor our thoughts, thus choosing those that produce the most advantageous emotions. I can teach myself to see the goodness and benefits of whatever enters my life as opposed to always seeking the negative. While this may not work 100% of the time, it can become our default method of experiencing life. 

Secondly, we can choose to control anger in the moment. This can prove beneficial under certain circumstances where remaining calm is more advantageous than an immediate expression of our outrage. In a recent incident, a woman was on the verge of being raped. Her husband, naturally enraged, attacked the assailant in an effort to protect his wife.  However, his rage was overpowering and he eventually killed the attacker. Now facing manslaughter charges, had he momentarily controlled his rage, he most likely could have avoided such devastating consequences.

Thirdly, once the anger has manifest, we can choose to safely express it verbally or choose benign ways of expending it, such as through physical activity. Readjusting our expectations, forgiving those who have offended us, accepting that which we have no control over in life, appreciating every person and event that enters our life as a necessary part of our journey, and prayer are just some of the techniques that help alleviate anger in any of its stages.

In conclusion, remember that anger is an emotion and like all other emotions is neither good or bad, right or wrong. It’s what we do with our anger and how we manage it that makes it a motivating force for positive change or a destructive one that creates additions problems in our lives. 

Remember the formula called T~E~C~O Magic: your Thoughts create your Emotions which cause you to make certain Choices.  And everything we say or do has an Outcome. If you are not happy with the results of how you handled your anger, change  your thought process and everything that follows will change as well. Negative thoughts ultimately produce negative results; positive = positive. 

Order  The Secret Side of Anger, Second Edition or The Great Truth @ http://www.pfeifferpowerseminars.com/pps1-products.html

Listen to past shows on iHeart Radio @ http://ow.ly/OADTf

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A special thanks to my guest, Bob Ciampi, LCSW. Find Bob @ www.rciampi.com.

Bob runs a General Psychotherapy group in Montclair, NJ. Call (973) 865.5012 for details.