Bully Politicians and What We Must Learn From Them

If you've been following the presidential debates, you are well aware of the bullying behaviors of some of our candidates. Gone are the days when politicians debated national and global issues. Shockingly, but not surprisingly, the debates have mutated  into verbal warfare against each opponent. So who is to blame for this vile behavior? Many would point a finger at one candidate in particular who, from the get go, set the tone of slinging insults and vulgarities at his opponents. However, upon closer examination, it becomes quite evident that he is not the culprit. 

For several decades, this country has embraced disrespect, anger, physical aggression, insults, and violence not only as a way of life but as a form of entertainment as well. Millions of people video tape, post, and view on the internet incidences of someone assaulting another person, whether adult or child; top rated shows on TV involve married couples or housewives slandering and abusing one another; today's music is laden with violent undertones promoting aggression against women and rioting against humanity. Violence and bullying are a billion dollar industry. Those who do not actively speak out against it give permission for it to flourish and in doing become hypocrites for condemning those in the public eye vying for the presidential nomination. So it is not surprising to me at all that these debates contain the same components as Hollywood and social media. 

Yet, even so, there are some who are appalled at the behavior of a handful of candidates and vow to cast a vote for another simply to prevent a mud-slinging politician from residing in the White House. Others cheer them on, feeling empowered by the audacity of those who speak what they themselves feel in their hearts. The irony is that while some admire bullies, it is this same behavior that is admonished in schools, is responsible for multiple suicides among young people being subjected to ongoing abuse; is cause for an employee to be terminated from their job or have harassment charges filed against them; enables individuals to get restraining orders against those who are threatening them; ends marriages and friendships and causes estrangements in families and much more. 

This vulgar form of behavior reveals a lack of moral values and character in the bully. Contrary to what they would have you believe, their behavior is not indicative of confidence and self-assuredness but rather the exact opposite. Bullies are in fact insecure.  They are overly concerned about how they are perceived by their peers and must continually prove themselves. They are self-absorbed (it's all about them), view aggressive behavior as powerful, need to control (fear-based), have poor problem solving/debating skills, and lack compassion and empathy for others. Relying on such behaviors as insults, sarcasm, threats, ridicule, name-calling, and intimidation they experience a sense of power and control over their perceived enemy seeking to defeat him or her. Bullying, as with riots, arise out of feelings of desperation, fear, hopelessness, and powerlessness. Rationalizing, conversing, and negotiating appear insufficient strategies in achieving a desired result. In their minds, only aggressive actions will get the job done/suffice.

One who is truly confident acts from a place of mutual respect for all parties, even those they disagree with, and an eagerness to openly debate any given issue coupled with a true desire to find the most promising and lasting resolution. Opposing viewpoints are not perceived as threats to their intelligence, competency, or  the outcome of the issue but rather as necessary elements to creating a win-win situation for all those involved. 

For whatever my opinion is worth:

One of the biggest downfalls of the target occurs when they take personal offense to the bully's words. What the bully is saying reflects their lack of integrity and is in no way reflective of who you are. Therefore, when dealing with a bully, it  is imperative to remain in control of your emotions. Bullies seek to get a reaction from their targets as a way of gaining dominance over them. By remaining emotionally detached from their words, the target is able to maintain their composure and reply intelligently and with dignity rather than react emotionally. Always speak and/or respond with confidence. Be assertive, rather than aggressive, and set boundaries whenever necessary.

Attacking any individual is rude and disrespectful, and reveals a level of insecurity not indicative of a strong leader. One must remember to attack the issue and not the person. Refrain from trading insults. Refuse to lower yourself to their level but rather set the standard to raise them up to yours.  Stick to the real  issues of the debate and leave personal attacks where they belong - buried deep in obscurity.

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Achieving Self-Compassion

At times, human beings can be incredibly compassionate towards one another. A family member going through a difficult time is encouraged to take extra care of themselves. A teen struggling with adolescent challenges is given support and encouragement. We offer our assistance to a neighbor who's spouse is seriously ill. When others are at their worst, humanity is at its best. And yet, we are sometimes remiss in extending to ourselves the same tender care we offer to others. Is it that we feel we are not deserving of such compassion or can a little pampering be misconstrued as a sign of weakness or indulgence? Regardless, God tells us to "love your neighbor as yourself." He is instructing us to extend the same mercy to ourselves that we do to others. What can we do to extend compassion and understanding to ourselves? Here are a few suggestions:

1. Be your own best friend. When asked, "Who is your best friend?" I would venture to say that people don't respond with, "I am!" Typically, we think of our best friend as the one who is always there for us, kind and thoughtful, who accepts us as we are, and so forth. Do we posses those same qualities that could qualify us to be our own best buddy? The consideration we show to our friend - are we willing to treat ourselves in the same manner?

2. Develop beliefs that work for you. Do you have belief systems that were imposed on you by others? Do they work for you? A particular religious belief, a healthy living plan, an idea of what a successful life looks like - these are all beliefs that can cause internal unrest if they do not align with what works best for us.

3. Know your inherent worth. You are not who others say you are. You are not your mistakes, flaws, or bad choices. You are first and foremost a sacred child of God. Your value has been pre ordained by the  One who created you and no one or nothing can ever diminish that.

4. Do not project your needs onto others. Expecting others to want the same things as you, to feel as you do, or act in the same manner causes unnecessary stress and frustration in life. Be free to be yourself and extend the same courteously to others. Life is much easier that way.

5. Choose happiness and peace of mind. Would you advise your best friend or child to be happy or miserable? Would  you recommend that they fret over things they have no control over? Of course not. When you care about someone you encourage them to be happy and at peace with what is. Each is a choice. Love  yourself enough to give yourself the gifts of happiness and inner peace.

6. Take good care of yourself. From the physical, to the emotional, intellectual, and spiritual aspects it's important to give yourself only what is absolutely in your best interest. Carefully choose your friends, foods, activities, beliefs, feelings, and intellectually stimulating material making certain that each enriches your life in some way.

7. Tune into your authentic self. In other words, know thyself. The ancient Chinese philosopher and writer, Lao Tzu, author of the Tao Te Ching, stated that "He who knows others is wise. He who knows himself is enlightened." One must first know their authentic self before being able to provide all of their needs.

8. Eliminate negative reactions. The simplest way to avoid reacting to any situation is to train yourself to stop and assess the situation before responding. A deeper understanding of what has transpired coupled with an evaluation of what one hopes to achieve by responding, allows for a more thoughtful and positive reply, thus ensuring the situation improves rather than deteriorates.

9. Appreciate what you have. Gratitude goes a long way in bringing us joy and happiness. Those who focus on what is lacking are generally miserable and unhappy. Give yourself the best. Be grateful.

10. Enjoy the present moment. Too often, we are trapped in the painful experiences of our past, leaving us feeling helpless, remorseful, and bitter. Excessive focus on the future can lead to anxiety and worry. Regardless of where you reside, if you are doing either, you are not fully embracing the present. Let go of both. Live in the moment.

11. Pass your compassion on to others. Remember the same love we express to one is meant to be shared with all. In this way we can be an instrument of compassion and thoughtfulness to others. Good deeds have a way of paying us back tenfold.

Confucius once  said, "Remember, no matter where you go, there you are."  Treat yourself well. You deserve it.

 

From: Nate Terrell:  "Achieving Self-Compassion:  Giving Yourself the Gifts of Happiness and Inner Peace"   @ http://www.achievingselfcompassion.com/ 

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How to Change Without Changing (and Why It's Important)

Not everyone likes change. Some are comfortable precisely where they are and prefer to stay within their comfort zone.  Others are more adventurous and enjoy a good challenge. They are more open to trying new things in order to experience something new or perhaps to learn something that will positively impact their life. There is one change, however, that everyone resists: that is when others tell us we must be someone other than who we are. They may try to persuade us to change our way of thinking or the way in which we do things. Those with low self-esteem or who are fearful of rejection may succumb to the demands of others. For everyone else, it is arrogant and disrespectful to ask anyone to be anything other than who they are. Yet deep down inside, we know that everything in the universe is in a constant state of flux and that the opposite of movement is stagnation. So is it possible to actually change without changing? Consider the following:

What can't I change? First and foremost, I need to acknowledge who I am. I am a child of God, a sacred creation of the Divine Source of Love. Who I am intrinsically is pre-ordained. Just as I cannot change my DNA which is given to me by my biological parents, neither can I alter my inherent nature. I am love; I am kindness; I am forgiveness; I am all that is sacred and holy. I am one with Divine Energy. I may be athletic or artistic, shy or gregarious, spontaneous or cautious. I may possess a propensity for that which is contrary and bring it forth to some degree but I can never amend my fundamental self, nor is it necessary since God only creates perfection. 

What I do have the ability to change without changing myself are the following: 

Perception: I can alter the way in which I perceive life, individuals, myself, and situations. Since it is my perception, and not reality, that dictates the choices I make I can teach myself to view all of the above from a more insightful and truthful perspective. I can remove judgments of those who differ from me and replace them with understanding and acceptance. I can look at all of life's challenges and injustices as opportunities in disguise. Each can be a gift for me, thus enabling me to be more appreciative and less angry at their appearance in my life. I can remove the notion that life is unfair and view it for what it really is: exactly fair. Each of us gets exactly what is necessary for our personal and spiritual growth. I can see myself though the eyes of patience and compassion rather than condemn myself for my perceived flaws and mistakes.

Attitude: Attitude is easier to change than most realize. Attitude is a combination of what we think and how we feel. All feelings come from the thoughts we choose to entertain in our mind - our internal dialog, what we say to ourselves. A  bad or negative attitude can ruin my day, sabotage my relationships, impact my health and success in life, and overall make me miserable. If I cannot change my circumstances I can certainly change my attitude about them. 

Behavior: It is also necessary to change my behaviors at times. I would not consider behaving as I did when I was three years old or as I did as a teenager. As I grow and mature, periodically it is necessary to re examine how I do things, how I treat others, and how I treat myself. In any given situation and with each specific individual, I may need to alter my actions in order to better accommodate each. 

But why should I change? As I stated before, the opposite to change is inertia, being motionless. When water becomes stagnant it becomes a breeding ground for bacteria and the stench is repugnant. Water that is in a state of motion supports life. Change allows for growth and 

improvement not only for the individual but for all those affected as well. When I change my perception, I can view an issue as an opportunity rather than an obstacle. My attitude enables me to take a positive approach to life verses a pessimistic one, thereby ensuring I more fully enjoy my time on this Earth. When I readjust my behaviors, I make smarter choices that result in greater rewards and fewer consequences in every aspect of my life. 

One would not consider wearing the same items of clothing day after day. Changing one's clothing is necessary for good personal hygiene plus our wardrobe also impacts how we feel about ourselves and how the world perceives us. And it affects the nature of our relationships as well. Periodically, it's healthy to replace worn out clothing or items that no longer fit us with more suitable attire. So  it is with periodically changing our perceptions, attitudes, and behaviors. Each one impacts our mental outlook on life, the choices we make, and the way in which we interact with one another. Through a process of change and growth, we can continually improve our lives and experience greater happiness and more inner peace. And that eliminates anger. 

So go ahead and change but don't change a single thing about you. Intrinsically, you're perfect just the way you are. 

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Your Best Defense Against Anger

Check out Webster's dictionary. Anger is defined as "a feeling of discomfort or displeasure brought about by feelings of helplessness and powerlessness." My personal definition of a victim is one who views themselves as having no power or authority. Many times, a victim will claim that in a certain situation where they made a less than ideal decision, they did so because they had no choice. "I had to pay my mechanic for fixing my car even though I know he overcharged me. I had no choice!" This leaves the individual feeling cheated, taken advantage of, and treated unfairly. The natural reaction is anger since is produces a momentary feeling of power.

There are also many who believe they cannot choose how they feel, that it is others who have dominion over their emotional state of mind. Such comments as "You make me angry", "You hurt my feelings"  or "You embarrassed me" indicate that others determine how one will feel based on what they are doing or saying. Outside circumstances ("Rainy days make me feel depressed") assign that power to external environment. In each scenario, one runs the risk of reacting to the situation rather than carefully choosing how to respond. Reactionary behaviors are rarely productive since they lack intellectual consideration and self-control. One can easily cause any situation to escalate based on poor reactionary choices. 

So what is the best defense against anger? It is a two-fold process. The first is intellect. We have each been given a reasonable amount of intelligence. We are able to collect data, process it, sort it out, and reach a conclusion. In any given circumstance, a rational mind can logically collect all relevant information and determine right from wrong, good from bad, logical from illogical, and so forth. Once complete, a decision can be made based on the desired outcome and the most logical process to achieve it. 

The second  is the power of choice. Each of us has been given the ability to determine for ourselves what we will say or do, how will we proceed to do so, what actions we will take or refrain from, and when we will end the process. Free will, even in the event that I have no control over my current circumstances, enables me to exercise my  authority over my own feelings, thoughts, and actions. No one can dictate how I think about an individual, situation, or event. No one can determine how I feel about said person or what is occurring. Nor can anyone dictate how I respond. Hard as they may try, inevitably I alone determine each of these for myself. Additionally, I choose how I will allow this event to affect me. 

Choice extends beyond the obvious as well. One can choose to be angry with a particular person or situation or not. Every emotion results from our thoughts. I can choose to be judgmental and angry with someone for not conforming to my ways or I can decide to be understanding and accepting. I can get angry when I am treated unfairly or be grateful that I am a forgiving person. 

The best defense against anger is found in our intellect and ability to choose. Therefore, be smart, think things through thoroughly, and choose wisely. Less anger allows for more happiness. It's a no brainer. 

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