Addressing the Primary Sources of Conflict

Conflict is a normal, healthy, and useful part of life. At its simplest, it means there is a disagreement or difference of opinion between two or more individuals. In life we can identify two types of conflict: internal and external. Internal conflict, the root issue causing discomfort and the basis which leads to one outwardly expression of it, manifests for several reasons: 

1) We are not living authentic lives - our values and beliefs.  

Explanation: We all have certain belief systems and a set of values that we've adopted as our way of living.  For example: I was raised to be polite and respectful to all people. Yet in today's world, people have accepted rudeness and disrespect as the norm. It's easy to get swept up in what others deem acceptable.  Yet if I mimic their behaviors, I create an internal conflict within myself. Families, religion, friends, and society in general can put tremendous pressure on us to conform to their dictates and leave little room for the individual to make their own determinations. This unrest is the soul's  way of letting us know that we must reexamine our actions and be true to who we are.  

2) What we say or do does not match our beliefs.

Explanation: Have you ever agreed with someone simply to appease them? Or perhaps you didn't want to offend them and cause an argument? Those who are sensitive or kindhearted often have difficulty speaking the truth to others even when they believe it's important to do so. Or consider a teen who lies to her parents about going to an unsupervised party at a friend's house when she was taught the importance of honesty and trust in relationships: she feels a strain on her conscience. 

3) We feel pressured to be someone we are not.

Explanation: A child coerced into playing sports when he would rather be reading; a gay man or woman fearful of rejection should they reveal their true sexual identity play the role of being straight; seeking a high-powered career that affords us the finer things in life when what we prefer is a simple life of modest means; or perhaps our job's unethical practices pressures us into violating our own moral beliefs in order to maintain our employment with the company. All of these create unrest within us and put pressure on the relationships with those involved.

4) We do not like or love ourselves.

Explanation: Do you dislike yourself, or have you ever been disappointed with who  you are or been ashamed of something you've done or failed to do? Do you fail to see any value in yourself and sadly believe that you are worthless? Self-esteem, how we feel about ourselves, is at the heart of all the decisions we make. Not being satisfied with who we are leads to internal stress and unrest, believing we should be or do more. "I should know better!" "I shouldn't have done that but now it's too late." We fight within ourselves causing inner turmoil.

5) We are concerned with how others view us. We are people pleasers trying to satisfy others rather than ourselves or God.

Explanation: Those with a poor self image spend their lives worrying about what others think about them or how they are being perceived. In their minds their worth is determined by how others feel about them. This leads to anxiety and fear. Trying to please others is exhausting and when we believe we've failed we feel confused, frustrated, angry, and even more worthless.  Trying to please others and feeling as though we are never good enough is exhausting and self-defeating. 

6) We say "yes" when we want to say "no". We feel pressured into doing things we don't want to do.

Explanation: Recently I made a tough decision that I was no longer going to allow myself to feel coerced into doing things that I do not have the time or desire to do. And less than four days later find myself once again saying "yes' when I want to say "no".  Giving others permission to manipulate us into doing something we do not feel inclined to do leads to self-anger and regret. Intellectually, I know emphatically that I have every right to refuse to engage in non-essential issues simply because I choose to spent my time otherwise. When I give in to the requests of others, I feel weak and become angry with myself, believing I need to assert myself more.

7) We need to be right and "win" any disagreement or dispute that arises.

Explanation: The need to be right is all ego-driven. One needs to save face, so-to-speak, in order to maintain their status among their peers. This mindset and behavior is fear based as one needs to exert power and control over the other individual and situation. Being right rarely has long-term benefits and eventually what the person fears most comes to pass - losing control of the situation, losing the respect, friendship, or cooperation of the other party.

I've always said that behavior, what we say or do, is simply an outward expression of what we are dealing with internally. Any unresolved inner issues will eventually get expressed outwardly. However, if we are able to heal them we become whole and authentic. The inner conflict is silenced and we are at peace with ourselves and those around us. External disagreements no longer trigger our covert issues and our response emanates from a place of confidence. 

Until you are at peace with yourself and your life you cannot be at peace with others or in your relationships with them.  When my external actions fully represent my internal self I am honest, authentic, and peaceful.

Peace within leads to peace between.

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What the Bible Says About Anger

Dating back over 3500 years, the Bible began as a collection of oral stories handed down from generation to generation in the form of songs, narratives, and poetry. Eventually signs and symbols were utilized in a more permanent means of recording these stories until the written word became the primary method . It wasn't until many years after the death of Christ that the New Testament was added to the original Bible now referred to as the Old Testament. While most people who read the Bible are believers, one needn't be in order to find value in the written Word. For the purpose of this blog we will be examining ten passages which address the issue of anger. 

Ephesians 4:26-31

²⁶ “In your anger do not sin”^[a]: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, ²⁷ and do not give the devil a foothold."

 

You've heard me say many times that anger is a normal, useful, and even important feeling. Every emotion we experience plays a vital role in helping us to understand who we are and how we interact with the outside world. Acknowledge that you are angry but do not hold on to it. Repressed anger can lead to all types of health issues, interfere with our happiness, cloud good judgment, and damage relationships. Acknowledge it, express it respectfully (if necessary), use it for constructive purposes, and let it go. 

^29 "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen."

 

How often do we hurt others verbally when we are angry or upset? We belittle them, curse at them, criticize or are nasty, rude or disrespectful. While the emotion may be justifiable, mistreating others never is. Calm down before you speak so that your words may be gracious and uplifting - always.

³¹ Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice."

In the event that the situation you are angry about or the person you are upset with does not change to your liking, do not allow your feelings to progress to bitterness, rage or any type of malicious behavior. You will certainly damage your own sense of well-being, your reputation, and most definitely the feelings of the other party. Acceptance of that which and who we cannot change allows us to experience inner peace.

James 1:19-20  

¹⁹ My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, ²⁰ because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires." 

How many of us follow this advice in the reverse? Anger is our primary response as we act out verbally or physically. However, when we take a moment and listen or ask questions to learn more about an incident or what the other person is trying to convey to us, we actually foster a better understanding, thus preventing anger from manifesting.

 

Proverbs 29:11

^11 "Fools give full vent to their rage, but the wise bring calm in the end."

Few people admire those who become aggressive when angry. It takes far more integrity to remain calm in the face of anger and in that regard earn the respect of those around you.

James 1:20 

^20 " ...because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires." 

Anger is one of the most powerful emotions relevant to mankind. However, high level emotions cloud rational judgment and few people behave in a righteous manner when acting out. It is far more prudent to live as God dictates rather than to succumb to a moment's rage.

Proverbs 19:11

¹¹ A person’s wisdom yields patience; it is to one’s glory to overlook an offense."

Before I allow myself to become upset with someone or over an incident, I consult my 10-year Rule: will this issue matter in ten years? If the answer is "no" then I let it go. In that regard, I am able to overlook a lot that is insignificant, thus maintaining my sense of peace and happiness.

Ecclesiastes 7:9New International Version

⁹"Do not be quickly provoked in your spirit, for anger resides in the lap of fools."

Do you allow others to push your buttons and make you angry? Don't be fooled into believing that others cause you to become angry. It is a personal choice each of us makes. All emotions originate in our thought process so carefully choose  your thoughts and you will choose the corresponding feelings as well. 

Proverbs 15:1, 15:18

15 "A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger."

^18 "A hot-tempered person stirs up conflict,  but the one who is patient calms a quarrel."

In responding to any angry person, a gentle comment has the ability to calm them down. Consider an understanding response that illustrates your concern for their feelings and well-being.

Proverbs 22:24

 ²⁴ "Do not make friends with a hot-tempered person, do not associate with one easily angered." 

Proverbs warns us to avoid those who are hot-headed and irate. They present an atmosphere conducive to stress, fighting, and harm. Do not be that person nor associate with them. Surround yourself with those who are loving and peaceful.

As you can see, there is a lot of valuable instructions regarding anger. One need not believe in God to find some suggestions that will greatly benefit them. Put some faith in these words of wisdom. The are designed to keep our relationships and world safe and to enable us to live peacefully within ourselves. 

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Bully Politicians and What We Must Learn From Them

If you've been following the presidential debates, you are well aware of the bullying behaviors of some of our candidates. Gone are the days when politicians debated national and global issues. Shockingly, but not surprisingly, the debates have mutated  into verbal warfare against each opponent. So who is to blame for this vile behavior? Many would point a finger at one candidate in particular who, from the get go, set the tone of slinging insults and vulgarities at his opponents. However, upon closer examination, it becomes quite evident that he is not the culprit. 

For several decades, this country has embraced disrespect, anger, physical aggression, insults, and violence not only as a way of life but as a form of entertainment as well. Millions of people video tape, post, and view on the internet incidences of someone assaulting another person, whether adult or child; top rated shows on TV involve married couples or housewives slandering and abusing one another; today's music is laden with violent undertones promoting aggression against women and rioting against humanity. Violence and bullying are a billion dollar industry. Those who do not actively speak out against it give permission for it to flourish and in doing become hypocrites for condemning those in the public eye vying for the presidential nomination. So it is not surprising to me at all that these debates contain the same components as Hollywood and social media. 

Yet, even so, there are some who are appalled at the behavior of a handful of candidates and vow to cast a vote for another simply to prevent a mud-slinging politician from residing in the White House. Others cheer them on, feeling empowered by the audacity of those who speak what they themselves feel in their hearts. The irony is that while some admire bullies, it is this same behavior that is admonished in schools, is responsible for multiple suicides among young people being subjected to ongoing abuse; is cause for an employee to be terminated from their job or have harassment charges filed against them; enables individuals to get restraining orders against those who are threatening them; ends marriages and friendships and causes estrangements in families and much more. 

This vulgar form of behavior reveals a lack of moral values and character in the bully. Contrary to what they would have you believe, their behavior is not indicative of confidence and self-assuredness but rather the exact opposite. Bullies are in fact insecure.  They are overly concerned about how they are perceived by their peers and must continually prove themselves. They are self-absorbed (it's all about them), view aggressive behavior as powerful, need to control (fear-based), have poor problem solving/debating skills, and lack compassion and empathy for others. Relying on such behaviors as insults, sarcasm, threats, ridicule, name-calling, and intimidation they experience a sense of power and control over their perceived enemy seeking to defeat him or her. Bullying, as with riots, arise out of feelings of desperation, fear, hopelessness, and powerlessness. Rationalizing, conversing, and negotiating appear insufficient strategies in achieving a desired result. In their minds, only aggressive actions will get the job done/suffice.

One who is truly confident acts from a place of mutual respect for all parties, even those they disagree with, and an eagerness to openly debate any given issue coupled with a true desire to find the most promising and lasting resolution. Opposing viewpoints are not perceived as threats to their intelligence, competency, or  the outcome of the issue but rather as necessary elements to creating a win-win situation for all those involved. 

For whatever my opinion is worth:

One of the biggest downfalls of the target occurs when they take personal offense to the bully's words. What the bully is saying reflects their lack of integrity and is in no way reflective of who you are. Therefore, when dealing with a bully, it  is imperative to remain in control of your emotions. Bullies seek to get a reaction from their targets as a way of gaining dominance over them. By remaining emotionally detached from their words, the target is able to maintain their composure and reply intelligently and with dignity rather than react emotionally. Always speak and/or respond with confidence. Be assertive, rather than aggressive, and set boundaries whenever necessary.

Attacking any individual is rude and disrespectful, and reveals a level of insecurity not indicative of a strong leader. One must remember to attack the issue and not the person. Refrain from trading insults. Refuse to lower yourself to their level but rather set the standard to raise them up to yours.  Stick to the real  issues of the debate and leave personal attacks where they belong - buried deep in obscurity.

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Achieving Self-Compassion

At times, human beings can be incredibly compassionate towards one another. A family member going through a difficult time is encouraged to take extra care of themselves. A teen struggling with adolescent challenges is given support and encouragement. We offer our assistance to a neighbor who's spouse is seriously ill. When others are at their worst, humanity is at its best. And yet, we are sometimes remiss in extending to ourselves the same tender care we offer to others. Is it that we feel we are not deserving of such compassion or can a little pampering be misconstrued as a sign of weakness or indulgence? Regardless, God tells us to "love your neighbor as yourself." He is instructing us to extend the same mercy to ourselves that we do to others. What can we do to extend compassion and understanding to ourselves? Here are a few suggestions:

1. Be your own best friend. When asked, "Who is your best friend?" I would venture to say that people don't respond with, "I am!" Typically, we think of our best friend as the one who is always there for us, kind and thoughtful, who accepts us as we are, and so forth. Do we posses those same qualities that could qualify us to be our own best buddy? The consideration we show to our friend - are we willing to treat ourselves in the same manner?

2. Develop beliefs that work for you. Do you have belief systems that were imposed on you by others? Do they work for you? A particular religious belief, a healthy living plan, an idea of what a successful life looks like - these are all beliefs that can cause internal unrest if they do not align with what works best for us.

3. Know your inherent worth. You are not who others say you are. You are not your mistakes, flaws, or bad choices. You are first and foremost a sacred child of God. Your value has been pre ordained by the  One who created you and no one or nothing can ever diminish that.

4. Do not project your needs onto others. Expecting others to want the same things as you, to feel as you do, or act in the same manner causes unnecessary stress and frustration in life. Be free to be yourself and extend the same courteously to others. Life is much easier that way.

5. Choose happiness and peace of mind. Would you advise your best friend or child to be happy or miserable? Would  you recommend that they fret over things they have no control over? Of course not. When you care about someone you encourage them to be happy and at peace with what is. Each is a choice. Love  yourself enough to give yourself the gifts of happiness and inner peace.

6. Take good care of yourself. From the physical, to the emotional, intellectual, and spiritual aspects it's important to give yourself only what is absolutely in your best interest. Carefully choose your friends, foods, activities, beliefs, feelings, and intellectually stimulating material making certain that each enriches your life in some way.

7. Tune into your authentic self. In other words, know thyself. The ancient Chinese philosopher and writer, Lao Tzu, author of the Tao Te Ching, stated that "He who knows others is wise. He who knows himself is enlightened." One must first know their authentic self before being able to provide all of their needs.

8. Eliminate negative reactions. The simplest way to avoid reacting to any situation is to train yourself to stop and assess the situation before responding. A deeper understanding of what has transpired coupled with an evaluation of what one hopes to achieve by responding, allows for a more thoughtful and positive reply, thus ensuring the situation improves rather than deteriorates.

9. Appreciate what you have. Gratitude goes a long way in bringing us joy and happiness. Those who focus on what is lacking are generally miserable and unhappy. Give yourself the best. Be grateful.

10. Enjoy the present moment. Too often, we are trapped in the painful experiences of our past, leaving us feeling helpless, remorseful, and bitter. Excessive focus on the future can lead to anxiety and worry. Regardless of where you reside, if you are doing either, you are not fully embracing the present. Let go of both. Live in the moment.

11. Pass your compassion on to others. Remember the same love we express to one is meant to be shared with all. In this way we can be an instrument of compassion and thoughtfulness to others. Good deeds have a way of paying us back tenfold.

Confucius once  said, "Remember, no matter where you go, there you are."  Treat yourself well. You deserve it.

 

From: Nate Terrell:  "Achieving Self-Compassion:  Giving Yourself the Gifts of Happiness and Inner Peace"   @ http://www.achievingselfcompassion.com/ 

Order  The Secret Side of Anger, Second Edition or The Great Truth @ http://www.pfeifferpowerseminars.com/pps1-products.html

Listen to past shows on iHeart Radio @ http://ow.ly/OADTf

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