Why Forgiveness is Obsolete

My mother has always been an advocate of forgiveness. When I was a child she taught me early on to let go of being angry with people. If a friend hurt me she suggested that perhaps they didn't realize what they had done. If it was a family member, well, families don't hold grudges.  And as Christians, that is what we are told to do: forgive one another as God has forgiven us. Extending mercy towards others has always come easy to me. I've never been one to hold on to resentment or anger.

As a motivational speaker, lecturing on forgiveness is one subject I've always been passionate about because it holds the key to inner peace. We cannot experience joy, love, health, or gratitude if we carry within us bitterness from the past. We cannot experience the full abundance of God's blessings when we live with acrimony and hostility. There are many who want to forgive but don't know how. For those individuals, I show them the steps necessary to achieve serenity. 

However, I've since come to the awareness that forgiveness is actually not necessary at all. The reason why God gave us this gift of spiritual healing is because in our ego-centered brains we are quick to judge and label one another. "He's a dead-beat dad." "My sister-in-law is a real witch!" The moment we do so we trigger our own anger. We also make the mistake of comparing each other: "I would never hurt you the way you just hurt me!" "Your brother is a straight A student. Why can't you be more like him?" And we are quick to criticize others for their perceived faults: "You think you're better/smarter/prettier than everyone else." Add to that the expectations we place on others that are totally unrealistic and unfair: "You're an adult. You should know better than to get drunk when you go out." And to exacerbate matters even more we take personal offense to their words and actions. (Behaviors are merely an outward expression of an internal issue. They have nothing at all to do with the person being targeted.) Judge, label, compare, criticize, expect, take personal offense: add, mix and ingest for one lethal cocktail!

Here's the cycle most of us fall into: You say or do something. I place judgment upon you, compare you, label you, or take personal offense to your actions. I become angry and upset. In order to restore harmony within me I must put forth time and effort to forgive you so that I may once again experience the inner peace I had before this sequence began. Sounds a bit insane doesn't it? It's like having a new pair of shoes, walking through a mud puddle and ruining them and then spending time and effort to restore them to perfection. Why not simply refrain from soiling them from the get go?

So the question becomes: forgive you for what? For being human? For not being who you decided I should be? For not living up to my preconceived notions about where you should be in your personal journey in life? Sounds kind of arrogant and ego-driven to me. 

Here are some suggestions to make forgiving obsolete:

1. Do not take personal offense to what others say or do. There behavior is not about you.

2. Remove all comparisons to yourself or others. Allow each individual to be who they are and do what is necessary for their spiritual journey.

3. Practice patience, compassion, kindness, and understanding.

4. Remove all labels and judgments. Be an "objective observer".

5. Love unconditionally - all people, all of the time. 

When you achieve a state of full spiritual awareness you remove all judgment, expectations, labels, and demands from yourself and others. Anger and bitterness are replaced with simple observation. One is able to view the other party's behavior objectively and without opinion. It simply is what it is. By remaining impartial one avoids the entrapment of unsympathetic emotions, thus rendering forgiveness obsolete. And life becomes infinitely easier. 

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Silent Anger

In the late sixties, I married my high school sweetheart. He was a quiet person by nature so when we began having difficulties in our marriage and his response was one of silence I thought it was just his personality.  Little did I realize it was a manipulative technique that would eventually destroy my already fragile self-esteem.

Remaining silent is a strategy employed by many in situations where conflict arises. Your boss lashes out at your entire department, criticizing their poor job performance in general. You've only been working for this company for two weeks and feel he is being unfair to you. You're angry but fear of offending him and jeopardizing your position keeps you from standing up for yourself. Your wife makes inappropriate comments to your family and friends. This really bothers you and you want to ask her to refrain from doing so.  But she has a nasty temper and you are concerned about the ramifications of such a risky move. 

Very often people believe that they keep quiet in situations such as these because they are too nice: they don't want to hurt anyone's feeling by telling the truth or cause the other person to become upset. But the truth is that those who don't speak up are governed by fear. They are overly concerned not simply with the way the other party may react but more importantly with how that reaction will impact them. "I get really upset if anyone yells at me." "I wouldn't know how to respond if someone disagreed with or verbally attacked me." Their lack of confidence renders them temporarily mute. While this may momentarily deflect an awkward situation it rarely provides a long term solution.

But there is another form of silence that I was referring to earlier and that is giving someone the silent treatment. This was the case with my first husband. Whenever I needed to discuss something important with him or tell him something he did not want to hear he would respond by not responding. In essence, I was ignored. Disregarding someone when they speak to you is a blatant form of disrespect: it sends a very clear message that you have no value, that your worth is so minimal you do not merit a response. Years of being beaten down emotionally eventually led to feelings of worthlessness, self-loathing, and feeling invisible. My fragile self-esteem was on the verge of collapse and I was dangerously approaching a point of what I referred to as non existence. I had premonitions of no longer being. 

Both modes of non communication are forms of passive and/or passive aggressive anger. Fear, a root cause of anger, fuels the examples I provided: fear of being hurt, fear of rejection, fear of facing hard truths, and so forth.  When one is capable and confident they know they can handle whatever challenges they encounter regardless of how the scenario plays itself out. 

How does one deal with silent anger? I recommend the following:

1. Develop a healthy sense of self; know that you have the ability to handle anything with anyone at an time.

2. Relinquish any concerns of what others may think of you. Concern yourself only with being and doing what your heart tells you is right. Live to please God, no one else.

3. Develop good communication and conflict resolution skills. Rehearse possible scenarios with a trusted friend to build your self-confidence.

4. Enlist the support of others if you are going to address the other party. A strong support system enhance your authority.

5. Discuss any unresolved issues with a third party that you respect in order to gain deeper insights and awareness into the situation before taking action.

6. Know that you can respond after the fact. Not all issues need to be addressed at the exact moment.  Giving yourself time to think things through thoroughly allows for a better response.

7. You deserve better! Use your voice. Speak up. Say what's on your mind with confidence and dignity. Expect to be treated with the respect you deserve. 

If you are on the receiving end of silence, may I make the following suggestions?

1. Address the way you are being treated with the offending person.

2. Ask questions: "Have I done anything to hurt/offend you? Why are you ignoring me?" Encourage a dialogue to gain insight into the nature of their behavior.

3. If possible, resolve the underlying issues.

4. Set boundaries if necessary.

5. If no resolution can be achieved at this time, let it go and move on without anger, bitterness, or resentment. Pray for their healing.

6. #7 - This applies to you regardless of which side you are on.

Silence isn't always golden. Sometimes it is toxic. Know when it is advantageous to use the voice God gave you. If you do, say what you mean and mean what you say without being mean. You deserve to be treated with dignity and respect. It's as simple as that. 

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Finding Joy in Your Darkest Moments

When I was fourteen, my godparents gave birth to a baby boy after twenty years of marriage. The most joyful day of their lives was shattered by the devastating news that their son had Down's Syndrome. Fifty years ago Downs was a death sentence and Robert was no exception. Three weeks later they buried their only child. I was deeply impacted by the response from my aunt, a woman of deep faith, when questioned about their loss. "I am so grateful that I had the opportunity to experience being pregnant and bringing a child into this world." Years later, when I became a mother myself, I found it difficult to fully comprehend her positive attitude. Losing a child is every mother's worst nightmare, I thought to myself. I would die if that happened to me. Little did I realize what the years ahead held in store for me.

Every day, humans face indescribable heartbreak: children being abducted, raped or murdered. Soldiers, having witnessed the unspeakable horrors of combat, return home with bodies that no longer function at full capacity. Six years of a declining economy have left families facing financial ruin. Yet amidst all of the misfortune, injustice, and loss there are those who miraculously find a way to maintain a joyful spirit. 

Why is it that some who face insurmountable hardships sustain hope and joy while others drown in bitterness and anger? There are ten behaviors common to survivors and "thrivers" that you can embrace as well: 

1. Don't dwell on the past. Know that it is a learning tool to further advance you in your life process.  

2. Understand that there is a higher purpose to suffering. Just as a pregnant woman experiences intense labor pains in order to bring new life into this world, so too must we sometimes suffer in order to create life extraordinaire.

3. Acknowledge and process your anger, fear, remorse, etc. to prevent it from turning into bitterness and resentment.

4. Reject feelings of self-pity and victimization. They serve no valuable purpose and, like quicksand, will only pull you further down, ultimately leading to your demise.

5. Remain positive: remember that every pile of manure was created by a pony. Seek and find the gifts that are await you.

6. Look for ways to use your new-found knowledge and situation to help others. Never miss an opportunity to make the world a better place.

 7. Focus on gratitude; search for and acknowledge the blessings that still remain in your life.

8. Remember: you are far more resilient than you realize. Reflect on all of the challenges you've overcome thus far and build on those strengths and attributes to pull you through yet another life surprise.

9. Use others as a source of inspiration. There are many who have been through worse than you.

10. Have faith in God that He always provides whatever is necessary to face the apparent and unseen challenges that life hands us. And at the exact right moment He will show you the necessity of this experience and reveal His Divine plan to you. 

I endured a ten-year estrangement from three of my adult children and subsequently two grandchildren. While it has never been my style to wallow in self-pity, the excruciating pain of being separated from my children nearly ended my life as I knew it. Yet the strength and love of my Heavenly Father upheld me. Once I learned to fully trust in Him and realize that my life was literally in His hands to do with as He saw fit, my worry and anxiety subsided and in its place I discovered a sacred peace that has sustained me ever since. Only then could I fully understand my aunt's response to the loss of her son. 

Trust in God. He will guide you through life's most terrifying moments and bring you to victory each time. Let go of the need to live life on your terms. Follow His directive. He is really all you need -  now and for eternity. 

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How to Stop People From Annoying You

They're like mosquitoes on a hot summer night - those irritating and annoying people. They can be found anywhere from our families or coworkers to drivers on the roadways to complete strangers we  encounter while on vacation. Their quirky behaviors and annoying habits can ruin our day. Other than blow up, walk away, or simply endure their lack of sensitivity towards others, we're often powerless to do anything about it. Uncle Joe who thinks he knows everything, a spouse who is chronically late for even the most important events, people who interrupt or bite their nails or cannot complete a sentence without saying "um" a gazillion times - augh! They drive us crazy!

Being annoyed is the mildest form of anger and subsequently takes the least amount of effort to address. If left unresolved it can easily progress to anger, then aggression (the 3 A's of Anger, as I refer to it), each becoming more intense in nature. What is it about those people that make them so annoying anyway? Actually, it isn't about them at all. Feeling annoyed is a state of mind, an emotion, and all emotions originate in our thoughts. While their actions may be less than ideal, we choose how we interpret them, feel about them, as well as how we react. 

We get annoyed for several reasons: when others behave in ways that are different than we do (or what we deem to be normal) it is easy to place labels and judgments on them. We compare their behavior to our own: "I would never do that". And since our behavior is perfectly acceptable then logically there must be something inherently wrong with theirs.  Or we compare them to others: "Normal people don't think that way."  - again seeing their actions as flawed. 

We may try to manipulate them into changing their ways with such statements as "Why can't you be more like your sister/me/everyone else?" "There's something wrong with people who act the way you do. You should get some help."

Humans, by their very nature, do not feel comfortable with that, or those, who are different. We tend to date the same kinds of people and socialize with those we share common interests with. When someone enters our world who has even the slightest quirkiness we are quick to criticize. We feel uncomfortable, out of our element, and want them to conform to our standards.

So how then do you stop someone from annoying you? Below are some suggestions in no particular order: 

1. Remember that being annoyed is a personal choice. No one can make you feel anything.  All emotions originate in the mind. Change your perception (thoughts) about them/it and the feelings will change accordingly.

2. Remove all expectations you have of how people should be or act. As I always say, "Never should on anyone." People are not here to live up to your expectations. Give them the freedom to be who they are.

3. Life is meant to unfold naturally.  You can force a greenhouse rose to bloom in winter but it will not survive the harsh reality of the environment.  So it is with people: each has to grow and bloom in their own time and way.

4. Make light of the disturbing situation in your mind (do not make fun of the individual). Interject humor to diffuse your exasperation for your own sense of well-being. Put things into persepective.

5. Be compassionate if the situation warrants it. Sometimes those who have odd behaviors are struggling with deep rooted personal issues.

6. If the behavior puts you at risk, it is perfectly acceptable to speak with the other party and set some reasonable boundaries.

7. Be aware of how your behavior may be impacting others. It is not only the other person who can prove to be irritating.

8. Every experience, no matter how bothersome we may think it is, has purpose and value.  Trust in God. Be at peace. All is exactly as it is meant to be for a higher purpose.

Planning this show proved to be a revelation for me. I discovered that there is more that bothers me than I realized - little insignificant irritations that rob me momentarily of my tranquility. Now that I am aware, I must be more diligent in allowing others and life to simply be. Inner peace matters. My mantra, "It is what it is", will help restore the serenity that somehow slips away when I least expect it.  

Order  The Secret Side of Anger, Second Edition or The Great Truth @ http://www.pfeifferpowerseminars.com/pps1-products.html

Listen to past shows on iHeart Radio @ http://www.iheart.com/talk/show/53-Anger-911-Radio/

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