RESOLVE CONFLICT WITH "HARD LOVING"

My guest today was attorney and mediator, Mari Frank. She shared some powerful tips on resolving conflict. Her mnemonic phrase “HARD LOVING” really packs a punch (figuratively speaking, of course!).

When dealing with one who is angry and trying to find resolution to an issue, try the following:

H - Halt: stop and breathe at the moment you feel yourself becoming upset. Refrain from becoming defensive. Remain calm.

A – Anger Control: Take notice of where the anger settles in your body – tense muscles, clenched fists, etc. Feel it. Your body is a messenger of your emotions.

R – Reverse the Reaction: take a moment and ease your physical symptoms. Relax your muscles, unclench your hands.

D – Disengage: release your defensiveness. It’s easy to feel under attack. Do not take personal offense to the others behavior. Remain neutral.

L – Listen: Listen objectively to what the other is saying. Listen effectively and receptively.

O – Openly Mirror and Restate Neutrally: reflect back what you heard them say.

V – Voice Open-Ended Questions: ask questions to learn more. “Can you explain what you mean?”

I – Imagine Solutions Together: brainstorm solutions to the issue. Request input from each party.

N – Non-Aggression: calmly respond to their suggestions or comments.

G – Go Away: if any eminent danger is present, leave immediately. If you reach a stalemate, calmly excuse yourself stating you will resume negotiations when both parties are calm and rational.

Mari refers to this technique as “solutioneering”.  (Love it!)

The process of resolving conflicts does not have to be problematic and result is arguing or fighting. If you follow Mari’s techniques, which I wholeheartedly support, you will experience greater success in less time and will significantly less aggravation. Peaceful resolution is possible.

For more information on Mari Frank, visit www.conflicthealing.com or www.MariFrank.com. Mari is a California attorney and mediator with 26 years experience. Her books, including Negotiation Breakthroughs, are available on her website.

Sometimes I Just Want to Pull My Hair Out! How to Deal With Frustration

Did you know frustration is all rooted in the need to control? We all want things to be a certain way and as long as they comply, we’re ok. We expect people to be what we think they should be (after, who knows better than I how others should behave?). When they conform to our dictates, we get along just fine. However, when unexpected challenges arise (my camera batteries went dead just as my son hit a fly ball to center field; my husband didn’t plan a romantic evening for our anniversary), we become agitated and frustrated. “I knew it!” we scream. “Stuff like this always happens to me!” Feelings of victimization and powerless consume us and we fight to regain control. However, control is an illusion. We can only influence the outcome of any given situation; we can inspire the changes we would like to see in others but cannot force anyone to comply. Each individual has free will and will ultimately make their own decisions.

When we try to coerce things to kowtow to our orders, we set ourselves up for frustration.  People do not have an obligation to fulfill my desires. Things don’t always have to go my way. We learn nothing when life is easy. It is only in disappointment, challenge and change that we grow. 

Here are a few tips to reducing frustration in your life:

1      1.  Put everything into perspective. How important is this issue really? Will you even remember it in 10 years?

2      2.  Is what you are seeking fair and reasonable with this individual, at this time, under these conditions, in my time frame? If no, make some adjustments that are more realistic.

3      3.  If the situation or person will not change, (it is what it is), can you accept and be ok with your current circumstances? Being “ok with” does not mean being “happy about”. It simply means you have put the issue to rest and are no longer troubled by it.

Remember: acceptance of that which we cannot change is the key to inner peace.

Let go. Allow things to unfold naturally. Don’t try to force a square peg into a round hole. It takes far too much effort and will never work.

Visit www.PfeifferPowerSeminars.com for more great articles on frustration and anger. (Newsletter tab)

The Nail in the Fence

“The sharpest sword is a word spoken in wrath.” (The Buddha). 

A little boy, prone to anger, was told by his father, “Every time you’re angry, drive a nail in that wooden fence. When you’ve learned to control your anger, start removing them.” Six months later, the boy had removed every nail he had driven. Triumphant, he showed the fence to his father. The father sadly pointed out, “See the holes? The fence will never be the same.” 

I first heard this story several years ago and thought it a perfect analogy to the potential damage anger can have on another person. 

All emotions have purpose and value. None are inherently bad, even anger. It’s how we choose to express them and what we do with them that determines if they become a positive or negative force.

Here’s the problem with anger: we become upset with someone for whatever reason and lash out in fury. “You idiot! I told you not to do that!” “I never should have married you! My parents warned me!” Ouch! Hurtful words hurt…over and over. We may say something once yet the person on the receiving end of our rage replays those words again and again, each time gaining momentum and power. For the offender, the incidence occurs once and is forgotten. For the target, they relive it ten, twenty, one hundred times. Angry words have the potential to cause a lifetime of suffering.

When I was young, I distinctly remember an adult telling me in a nasty way I’d never amount to anything in life. Clearly they were angry although I never understood why. I hadn’t done anything to warrant it at that time. (I had plenty of other times though.) Those words stayed with me for decades. I attended college (with no aspirations) simply because my mother insisted. (Thank you, mom.) Eleven days after graduation I married my high school sweetheart and soon thereafter started a family. Staying home raising children was safe and at times became a convenient excuse for not venturing outside of the home.  After all, what else could I possibly do? I reminded myself I’d never amount to anything so why even try?

It wasn’t until I was in my forties that I was able to revisit those hurtful words and re evaluate their meaning. What had caused me great anguish for nearly thirty years, in reality, had no value. That adult’s words were not truth. They were spoken in anger. Now as an adult, I was finally able to put the past behind me by forgiving the one who so cruelly drove a nail into my spirit.

Hurtful words hurt – over and over. They can leave holes in the very fiber of one’s being. Choose your words wisely. Choose kindness.

I'LL NEVER EVER FORGIVE AGAIN

Several months ago I appeared on an internationally acclaimed TV show hosted by a husband/wife team. For more than a quarter of a century, this couple shared their personal lives and God's Word with millions of loyal followers. I was deeply saddened when they recently appeared on national TV revealing their dark secret of infidelity.

He spoke with great remorse for having committed such an egregious offense against his wife, family, friends and God. She lovingly shared her decision to forgive and preserve their marriage. I knew all-to-well the importance of forgiveness and how it benefited me in past similar experiences. But I have since outgrown forgiveness: I will never again forgive anyone for any offense.

The betrayals of my past have taught me much: first, that everything that happens in my life is a very necessary part of my journey. Each experience is absolutely essential for me to become the person God created me to be and to fulfill His Divine Plan. Much as an athlete must endure painful hours in the gym with demanding coaches and aching muscles in order to break world records, so must I face devastating hardships to achieve personal greatness.

The same applies to family and friends: each must realize their own mistakes and suffer the consequences of their imperfections in order that they, too, may find their appointed path in life. It is not for me to say what decisions they must make nor lessons they must learn in order to fulfill their destiny. This is between them and God and I must remove myself from their equation.

My life is my relationship between me and God. I am here to live my life in ways that please Him. I share my life with others but my life is not about them. When I err, I have failed against God and He is saddened by my poor judgment. My struggles and indiscretions are between Him and me exclusively.

I have also discovered that everything that comes into my life is here to teach and benefit me. Infidelity, blackmail, abuse all have the potential to make me a better person. Each can enrich my life should I allow it. Those who bring these experiences to me are merely messengers in my script of life. I have since learned to welcome them for they bring gifts of immeasurable value for me to unwrap and apply.

Pain has allowed me to come to know God on a deeper more intimate level that a life of ease could never provide. When I hurt, I instinctively turn to Him for healing and He never disappoints. When I feel abandoned, He comforts. When I'm confused, He offers clarity and guidance. Where is there room for anger or hurt towards anyone who has paved the way for me to profoundly know God? There isn't.

Do I need to forgive my boss for requiring me to put in long exhausting hours to earn the title of VP of sales? No. I understand the sacrifices required for success.

And now I understand this great myth of forgiveness: it is redundant when one recognizes the necessity of all experiences. My life is a spiritual journey of knowing God. I am grateful to all who provide me the opportunity to experience His Love. And while the events they bring may not be pleasant, the rewards are immeasurable. For me, there is no longer the need to ever forgive anyone for each has blessed me in ways unimaginable. Thanks to them, my life is exactly as it should be.