They're like mosquitoes on a hot summer night - those
irritating and annoying people. They can be found anywhere from our families or
coworkers to drivers on the roadways to complete strangers we encounter while on vacation. Their quirky
behaviors and annoying habits can ruin our day. Other than blow up, walk away,
or simply endure their lack of sensitivity towards others, we often feel powerless
to do anything about it. Uncle Joe who thinks he knows everything, a spouse who
is chronically late for even the most important events, people who interrupt or
bite their nails or cannot complete a sentence without saying "um" a
gazillion times - augh! They drive us crazy!
Being annoyed is the mildest form of anger and subsequently
takes the least amount of effort to address. If left unresolved it can easily
progress to anger, then aggression (the 3 A's of Anger, as I refer to them -
annoyed, angry, aggressive), each becoming more intense in nature. What is it
about those people that make them so irritating and perhaps more importantly,
what can we do to get them to stop? Actually, the problem isn't with them at
all. Feeling annoyed is a state of mind, an emotion, and all emotions originate
in our thoughts. While their actions may be less than what we consider ideal,
we choose how we interpret them, feel about them, as well as how we react.
There are several reasons why other people's behaviors
bother us, such as when they behave in ways that are different than ours or
what we deem to be normal or
appropriate. It's easy to place labels and judgments on others and the moment
we do so we experience feelings about them. We compare their behavior to our
own: "I would never do that" or to others: "No one else behaves
that way." And since our behavior is acceptable to us then the logical
conclusion is that there must be something inherently wrong with theirs. We view their actions as flawed.
When others don't live up to our expectations of what we
believe they should or should not be doing or who they should or should not be,
we feel disappointed, uncomfortable, or concerned about their well-being or
perhaps about our own welfare within the context of the relationship. Opposing
belief systems, as well as behaviors, lend cause for discomfort and concern. A
law firm comprised of three generations of attorneys finds a rebel grandchild
who chooses to start a rock band instead of continuing a long-established
family tradition. The older generation cannot comprehend why anyone in their
right mind would reject a foolproof career choice for one of little certainty.
They cannot discuss any aspect of it without becoming agitated and annoyed.
In some instances, people will try to manipulate the other
party into changing their ways with such statements as "Why can't you be
more like your sister/me/everyone else?" Or "There's something wrong with people
who act the way you do. You need to get some help." Other times they may
ban certain subjects from discussion or may even choose to disengage with the bothersome
individual.
Humans, by their very nature, do not feel comfortable with those
who are different. We tend to date the same kinds of people and socialize with
those we share common interests with. When someone enters our world who has
even the slightest quirkiness we are quick to criticize. We feel uncomfortable,
out of our element, and want them to conform to our standards in order that we
may feel at ease. Keep in mind, however, that annoying people are not the
problem. Problems only exist in the mind. They do not view themselves nor their
beliefs or behaviors as problematic. They are at peace with them. It is only
the outsider, you or I, that labels it a problem. Therefore, the problem is not
them but with us. You and I have the problem and likewise are the only ones who
can institute a solution. Keep in mind, too, that unless an attitude or
behavior is illegal, immoral, or a threat to my health or well-being, I have no
right to ask or expect anyone to change anything about themselves. Just as I
expect others to accept me as I am, so must I be willing to do the same first.
So how then do you stop someone from annoying you? Below are
some suggestions in no particular order:
1. Remember that being annoyed is a personal choice. No one
can make you feel anything. All emotions
originate in the mind. Change your perception (thoughts) about them and the
feelings will change accordingly.
2. Remove all expectations of how people should be or act. Never should
on anyone. People are not here to live up to your expectations. Respect them enough to give them the freedom to be who they
are.
3. Life is meant to unfold naturally. You can force a rose to bloom in a greenhouse
in winter but it will not survive the harsh conditions of its natural
environment. So it is with people: each
has to grow and bloom in their own time and way. Let go and let God. It's all
in His hands.
4. Make light of the situation
but do not make fun of it or the individual.
Interject humor to diffuse your exasperation for your own sense of well-being.
Put things into perspective. Remember my 10 year rule: if I won't remember it
or it won't matter in 10 years then it's not that important.
5. Be compassionate if the situation warrants it. Sometimes
those who have odd behaviors are struggling with deep rooted personal issues.
6. Be understanding. Everyone journeys through life in their
own time and way. Every experience and choice they make has purpose and value
to them. It is all a necessary part of their evolutionary process.
7.Stay out of their business and focus your attention
on your own beliefs, attitudes, and
behaviors. "Wherever you direct your energy is where change will occur."
You cannot change others; the only change you can initiate is within. Let go of
the need to fix or change anyone other than yourself.
8. If their behavior puts you at risk, speak with them and
set some reasonable boundaries. Keep in mind that they must be fair and realistic
with equal consideration for all parties.
9. Be aware of your own behavior and how may be impacting
others. It is not only the other person who can prove to be irritating.
10. Understand that every person who enters our life, every
experience we have, no matter how bothersome we may think it is, has purpose
and value. Learn to trust in God. Find
the significance in everyone and everything. In that way, rather than being
annoyed, you can appreciate the experience and find inner peace and acceptance.
In conclusion, annoyance is the mildest form of anger and if
left unaddressed can lead to more serious conditions. Never allow small insignificant
irritations to rob you of your joy and tranquility.
Being annoyed at someone is a matter of judgment. "Judge not lest ye be judged." Once
aware, we must be more diligent in allowing others to simply be. "It is
what it is" is a mantra that helps to restore the serenity that slips away when we
allow other people to bother us. We
cannot change how others behave but we can certainly, and must, determine how
we allow them to impact us. Inner peace matters most.
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