Families can be our greatest source of joy as well as a
never ending cause of stress. Comprised
of a diverse blend of personalities, families are a mixture of quirky
behaviors, opposing viewpoints, various needs, beliefs, and values, along with
opposing methods of how members perform
certain tasks. Being unskilled at even
the most basic aspects of resolving conflicts, as most of us are, can result in
minor differences escalating our stress
levels and causing tempers to flare. Keep in mind that every member, regardless
of how easy-going, intelligent or advanced in age, contributes to the dynamics
of the family unit. Some may overtly create drama while others do so in a more
discreet manner. Recognizing the subtleties of each person's actions along with
understanding the motives behind them can better enable individuals to address
the underlying (or real) issues and find reasonable solutions.
It is critical, however, that each party recognize their own
contributions to the so-called problems of the family while vowing to become
part of the solution instead. Therefore, before engaging in the process, ask
yourself the following questions: What
has my role in this situation been? How have I contributed to the breakdown of
our family unit? Is it my attitude, actions, words, or lack thereof? On
every level, we are either part of the problem or part of the solution. I must
first take inventory of my destructive contributions before I can expect to
achieve any degree of success with other members. Assuming I have successfully
completely this task and corrected any transgressions ,
I can now proceed using the following 10 strategies to resolve family feuds:
1. As respectfully as possible (it is always possible), and without making accusations, clearly and
succinctly identify the area that needs attention. State facts only, not
opinions.
"We need to
address the imbalance of chores in our family to make certain each person is
doing their fair share." I need not go into a lengthy dissertation about
how I do the bulk of the work and specifically what chores I'm burdened with
while pointing out that my lazy good-for-nothing brother spends all of his time
with his friends and never lifts a finger around the house. Name calling, blame, and exaggerations never
fair well in resolving family disputes.
2. Remove all distractions such as all technology, small
children or any projects you may be working on. This enables all parties to be
fully engaged with one another.
Expect that for the
next 15 or 30 minutes or so, everyone involved will focus their full attention
on discussing the issue at hand. If necessary, write down the subject matter on
a piece of paper that can easily serve as a visual reminder of what issue is
being addressed. Refer to it whenever necessary.
3. Allow each party ample time to state what is on their
mind without interruption. In this way, each individual will relax knowing they
will have adequate time to express their thoughts and concerns.
Assign a facilitator
who will direct and manage the course of the discussion. The use of an egg
timer (or watch) can be a valuable asset. Initially each person is given 2-3
minutes to state their concerns or position. When everyone has had the
opportunity to speak, the discussion can be opened to random comments. Provide
the "speaker" with a small device to hold, such as a pencil. No one
may interrupt whomever holds the pencil. The facilitator will ensure each
person is granted equal time speaking by passing the pencil on to the next
family member.
4. Validate their perspective. Consider their feelings,
needs, desires, and such as valid as your own, even if you vehemently disagree
with them. Listen with your heart, not simply your ears. This is compassion.
Remember that for each
individual their feelings, perception, desires, etc are as valuable and real to
them as yours are to you. You need not share them in order to understand this
concept. Be gracious and thoughtful.
5. Ask questions to gain deeper insight into what they are
saying.
Typically, people will
make statements, form judgments, or argue with their opposing family member.
True resolution is attained by each person's willingness to better understand
the others. Rather than state, "You
only think about yourself", ask "How did you come to this
decision? Have you considered how it would impact those around you?"
6. Avoid criticizing or making fun of them. Be respectful at
all times.
Contrary to popular
belief, respect does not need to be earned. It is a God-given right of all
human beings. The word itself means "to value". To respect someone
simply means that you recognize their worth as equal to yours and all of
humanity. Their opinions, beliefs, and behaviors may be questionable but we are
none of those. Attack the problem, not the person; comment on the actions,
never belittle the individual. Be certain you understand the difference - it's
critical.
7. Avoid blame or accusations. Both are destructive and will
sabotage any progress from occurring.
When something goes
awry, we need a target to direct our anger at. Blame reveals a lack of
introspection and self-accountability. It is self-defeating and robs us of our
personal power. Accusations are assumptions based on supposition rather than
fact. Dealing with fact-based information is significantly more productive.
8. Inquire as to what they need from you for this issue to
be resolved. Listen open mindedly and non-defensively. Discuss whether or not
you will be able to accommodate their needs. Make any necessary adjustments.
Expressing concern for
the other party's happiness, safety, success, etc is the beginning of building
trust. This is the foundation for all healthy relationships and a critical
component for effectively resolving disagreements. People are more inclined to
cooperate with those they trust as they know the other person has their best
interest at heart as well as their own. Be generous in this area. You will be
well rewarded.
9. State your position, needs, feelings, wants, etc. Express
what you need from them in order to put this issue to rest. Make certain your
requests are fair and reasonable.
Generally speaking,
your needs are as important as the other party's. I say generally because there
are instances where an issue matters more to one person than it does to the
other. In situations such as these, one can concede and allow the other to
obtain what they need. However, if you feel strongly about your position, put
forth a reasonable request and be certain that on some level yours are being
fulfilled as well.
10. Compromise. A "winner takes all" mentality is
never a solution. All parties must feel satisfied in some way in order for the
issue to truly be resolved once and for all. Thank them for taking the time to
work through this issue.
Finding the middle
ground is a sign of truly caring about the other person. Again, this is a
building block of trust and trust fosters healthy, sustainable relationships.
Respect and trust convert to cooperation, a necessary component to comprehensive
conflict resolution. Put your ego aside and consider the other person as you
would want them to consider you.
Families will always disagree on things but our differences
needn't escalate into full blown family feuds. Each member plays a vital role
in the wholeness and integrity of the unit. When we learn to embrace the
uniqueness and giftedness of each individual, we can utilize those qualities to
strengthen and enrich the whole. And we can finally live in harmony with and
enjoy our families, free from fighting and drama.
Q: "The only way
to peaceful coexistence is through compassionate understanding and support.
Allow each family member to be who they are, always encouraging them to be the
joyful people they were created to
be."
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