I've been teaching anger management and conflict resolution
for nearly a quarter of a century. What makes me so successful in my work is
that I do not lecture on any subject matter that I haven't personally
experienced and mastered. In that regard, people find me authentic and know
that if I've succeeded at healing my anger and being at peace with my
surroundings, they can achieve the same or more. For the most part, I'm a
pretty easygoing and relatively calm person. For certain, I'm never rude or
disrespectful even when I am upset. When I do get angry, I carefully choose my
words so as not to offend or hurt anyone. Well, until this past weekend that
is.
Brief synop: I
have a family member who has had a serious issue with me for many years. Try as
I have to resolve things with her, I've been unsuccessful. For the sake of my
own inner peace, I no longer have contact with her. However, due to a change of
family circumstances, that has recently changed as well. As a mutually close
family member approaches the final stages of her life, we have been brought
together to make some end of life decisions for her. Needless to say, this is a
stressful and unpleasant situation for
both of us but one that must be what it is.
At one point, I needed to address a very sensitive issue of
the disappearance of personal items that belonged to that particular family
member. These items were to be given to specific family members upon the death
of our loved one. This person was the only one who had access to them. I
respectfully stated that I was aware that they were missing and requested that
they be promptly returned until the appropriate time to distribute them. I knew
that in doing so, I was putting myself at risk for her wrath, as she has great
animosity towards me. My instincts were correct as she came after me with a
vengeance. Spewing hateful comments, she resorted to calling me names. I
immediately drew on my arsenal of conflict resolution strategies to diffuse a
volatile situation. "You misinterpreted what I said." But she cut me
off with more accusations. Suddenly she came towards me in an aggressive
manner. I immediately backed away. She became even more hostile. Sensing that I
could be in physical danger, I quickly exited the premises. "I have
nothing to say to you. Leave me alone." I repeated this over and over but
to no avail. Her insults were relentless. Within less than two minutes, I had
reached my breaking point, turned to her, and release some hurtful comments of
my own. Immediately, I felt shame and regret for what I had done but proceeded
to my car in order to protect myself and leave.
A short time later, I discussed this incident with a few
family members who were all too aware of the volatile behavior of the other
party. All offered their support and reassured me that I was perfectly
justified in the way I handled myself. One even stated he was proud of me for
finally standing up to her. I felt no satisfaction nor pleasure in the manner
in which I handled myself. In fact, I felt nothing but shame and remorse. As a
Christian and as one who is proficient in anger management and conflict
resolution, I was deeply disappointed in my performance. My daughter reassured
me that sometimes anger management simply doesn't work.
Why is that? What were the critical mistakes I made that
caused me to be ineffective in this situation?
Where did I go wrong?
1. I knew going in that I was taking a risk. This was a
sensitive issue that had the potential to incite her. Knowing that she has nothing
but contempt for me and a volatile temper, I was sorely prepared for the rage
she was about to impose on me. I should have more seriously contemplated her anticipated
reaction, my response, and how I was going to handle the situation. Having a
plan provides a sense of authority, confidence, and personal power.
2. Knowing full well that any discussion of this issue would
most likely not be well received, it would have behooved me to have a neutral
third party present before engaging in a dialog with her. I failed to even
consider this from the get go.
3. I allowed her hate filled comments to get to me. I failed
to remain centered, paying careful attention to my inner dialogue which
ultimately controlled my feelings. I gave away my personal power which left me
feeling vulnerable. This ultimately enabled her to push my buttons and trigger
an angry, out of control response from me.
What I did that
worked.
1. Initially when the attacks began, I refused to engage
with her. I clearly stated that she had misinterpreted what I had said in an attempt
to clear that matter up. When she was unreceptive and escalated her assaults, I
repeated diffusing statements in an attempt to calm her down as well as enable
me to keep my cool. "I have nothing to say. Leave me alone." I
repeatedly stated these with confidence as I continued to make yet another
smart choice.
2. Realizing that any chance for a productive discussion was
futile and that I was in a potentially dangerous situation, I quickly removed
myself from her presence. Even as she aggressively followed me in a very
intimidating and threatening manner, I refused to make eye contact with her but
rather kept my focus on my vehicle, which was my source of escape.
Where do I go from
here?
1. When one mishandles a situation such as I did, it's
important to review the events as soon as possible thereafter. Be completely
truthful about your role in the failure of the process.
2. Identify more effective ways to handle things next time.
Write them down, post, and review often.
3. Extend an apology to anyone you have offended, even those
who mistreated you. You are not responsible for their behavior but you are
responsible for your own. Their disrespect of you does not justify yours
towards them.
4. Forgive yourself for your indiscretions. Everyone makes
mistakes. Learn from them and vow to do better next time.
I've been practicing what I teach for as long as I've been
teaching it and it does work. But every once in awhile, even an expert like me
makes a critical mistake. It's hard for me to forgive myself for ever hurting
another human being but I am trying. I do know that next time, I will more
closely follow my own advice and am confident I'll see much better results.
Peter 3:9 "Do not repay evil with evil or insult with
insult. On the contrary, repay evil with blessing, because to this you were
called so that you may inherit a blessing."
Order The
Secret Side of Anger, Second Edition or The Great Truth @ http://www.pfeifferpowerseminars.com/pps1-products.html
Listen to past shows on iHeart Radio @ http://ow.ly/OADTf
Listen to my newest iHeart Radio show, BETWEEN YOU AND GOD, @ http://ow.ly/OADJK
Follow me on Facebook, Twitter, Linkedin, Pinterest, Google+
No comments:
Post a Comment