We could all use a few suggestions for dealing with those
difficult coworkers, obnoxious family members, or challenging neighbors that
find their way into our lives. Some really know how to push our buttons and
bring out the worst in us; others are stubborn or opinionated; still others can
be rude, disrespectful, or argumentative. Whatever their unique behaviors are,
they pose a challenge to everyone they encounter. It's easy to become
frustrated and short-tempered but that rarely makes the situation better. Some
find it easier to simply avoid them whenever possible. That, too, can pose its
own set of challenges not to mention that avoidance fails to teach us much
needed skills to be successful in life. Here are five unique strategies that
enable us to better handle difficult people:
1. Don't
judge: The first critical mistake most of us make occurs when we label and
judge others. "This guy's being a jerk!" "She's so full of
herself!" We form unflattering opinions on the individual based on how
they are behaving. We fail to seperate their actions from who they are
intrinsically. That's equivalent to judging someone by their physical
appearance. We are not our behaviors. Labeling (creating a thought about that
person) determines how we will feel about them. And we treat people based on
our feelings. "Judge not lest ye be judged."
2. Understand:
The opposite of judgment is understanding. It is what all humanity seeks - to
be understood. Each of us is struggling with internal issues and demons. A
woman may have a sick child at home that she is worried about; your coworker is
trying to balance a full-time job, supporting a family, and caring for an
elderly parent. Anyone under these condition would be stressed to their limits.
Behavior is an outward expression of what a person is dealing with internally.
"Bad" behavior merely reflects an unresolved issue such as fear,
pain, loneliness, embarrassment, etc.
3. Compassion:
Not only do people seek to be understood intellectually, they also desire that
others fully know on an emotional level what they are struggling with. One who
has recently lost a spouse does not need to hear someone say, "Yeah, I
lost mine too. You'll get used to it." What they are seeking is the
emotional support that accompanies compassion. "I lost my husband last
year. It was the loneliest time of my life. I'm so sorry for your loss."
Extending compassion bonds individuals on a deeper emotional level. It does not
excuse poor behavior nor does it give permission for it to continue. One has
every right to set fair and reasonable boundaries with the other party.
4. Assistance:
In circumstances where we continue to have contact with the individual through
necessity or choice, it is important to offer them whatever support they need
pertaining to those issues that are causing them distress. In doing so, they
may more relaxed and even-tempered. As each of us addresses and heals those
issues our behavior automatically reflects that. If I can offer my personal
experiences that are similar or share some insights or words of wisdom then
hopefully the other party will embrace my contributions and recognize the value
of change.
5. Patience:
Most of us want what we want when we want it. However, this is not how personal
evolution works. Growth takes time. Each of us in on our own personal journey
towards enlightenment which cannot be hurried. "All things in God's
time." Just as I did have not attained my present state of being in any
predetermined time, nor can I expect that others will comply with my time frame
and reach each pinnacle according to my dictates. Keep in mind, too, that I
have not yet reached a state of perfection and others are respectful enough to
extend the gift of patience to me as well. Therefore, I can expect no less from
myself.
As a society, we have
become much more compassionate towards those with physical disabilities. It
would be completely insensitive and highly offensive were we to be abrasive or
unsympathetic to those who faced greater physical challenges than the average
individual. For those who are emotionally or verbally challenging, their disability is their inability to identify and heal their personal issues. One is of a
physical nature, the other emotional yet both need to be treated with the same
amount of sensitivity. We need to extend the same considerations to the latter
as we do to the primary.
I hate clichés but this one certainly is apropos for this
subject matter: remember that each person
is a work in progress. And remember, too,
it's about progress not perfection. And while you are busy noticing the
imperfections in others, be certain to first identify and work on your own
issues. Make certain that you are not
the difficult person others can't deal with.
Matthew 7:5 "First
take the plank out of your own eye and
then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye."
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