Conflict is a normal, healthy, and useful part of life. At its
simplest, it means there is a disagreement or difference of opinion between two
or more individuals. In life we can identify two types of conflict: internal
and external. Internal conflict, the root issue causing discomfort and the basis
which leads to one outwardly expression of it, manifests for several reasons:
1) We are not living authentic lives - our values and
beliefs.
Explanation: We all have certain belief systems and a set of
values that we've adopted as our way of living. For example: I was raised to be polite and
respectful to all people. Yet in today's world, people have accepted rudeness
and disrespect as the norm. It's easy to get swept up in what others deem
acceptable. Yet if I mimic their
behaviors, I create an internal conflict within myself. Families, religion,
friends, and society in general can put tremendous pressure on us to conform to
their dictates and leave little room for the individual to make their own
determinations. This unrest is the soul's
way of letting us know that we must reexamine our actions and be true to
who we are.
2) What we say or do does not match our beliefs.
Explanation: Have you ever agreed with someone simply to
appease them? Or perhaps you didn't want to offend them and cause an argument?
Those who are sensitive or kindhearted often have difficulty speaking the truth
to others even when they believe it's important to do so. Or consider a teen
who lies to her parents about going to an unsupervised party at a friend's
house when she was taught the importance of honesty and trust in relationships:
she feels a strain on her conscience.
3) We feel pressured to be someone we are not.
Explanation: A child coerced into playing sports when he
would rather be reading; a gay man or woman fearful of rejection should they
reveal their true sexual identity play the role of being straight; seeking a
high-powered career that affords us the finer
things in life when what we prefer is a simple life of modest means; or
perhaps our job's unethical practices pressures us into violating our own moral
beliefs in order to maintain our employment with the company. All of these create
unrest within us and put pressure on the relationships with those involved.
4) We do not like or love ourselves.
Explanation: Do you dislike yourself, or have you ever been
disappointed with who you are or been
ashamed of something you've done or failed to do? Do you fail to see any value
in yourself and sadly believe that you are worthless? Self-esteem, how we feel
about ourselves, is at the heart of all the decisions we make. Not being
satisfied with who we are leads to internal stress and unrest, believing we
should be or do more. "I should know better!" "I shouldn't have
done that but now it's too late." We fight within ourselves causing inner
turmoil.
5) We are concerned with how others view us. We are people
pleasers trying to satisfy others rather than ourselves or God.
Explanation: Those with a poor self image spend their lives
worrying about what others think about them or how they are being perceived. In
their minds their worth is determined by how others feel about them. This leads
to anxiety and fear. Trying to please others is exhausting and when we believe
we've failed we feel confused, frustrated, angry, and even more worthless. Trying to please others and feeling as though
we are never good enough is exhausting and self-defeating.
6) We say "yes" when we want to say
"no". We feel pressured into doing things we don't want to do.
Explanation: Recently I made a tough decision that I was no
longer going to allow myself to feel coerced into doing things that I do not
have the time or desire to do. And less than four days later find myself once
again saying "yes' when I want to say "no". Giving others permission to manipulate us
into doing something we do not feel inclined to do leads to self-anger and
regret. Intellectually, I know emphatically that I have every right to refuse
to engage in non-essential issues simply because I choose to spent my time
otherwise. When I give in to the requests of others, I feel weak and become
angry with myself, believing I need to assert myself more.
7) We need to be right and "win" any disagreement
or dispute that arises.
Explanation: The need to be right is all ego-driven. One
needs to save face, so-to-speak, in order to maintain their status among their
peers. This mindset and behavior is fear based as one needs to exert power and
control over the other individual and situation. Being right rarely has
long-term benefits and eventually what the person fears most comes to pass -
losing control of the situation, losing the respect, friendship, or cooperation
of the other party.
I've always said that
behavior, what we say or do, is simply an outward expression of what we are
dealing with internally. Any unresolved inner issues will eventually get
expressed outwardly. However, if we are able to heal them we become whole and
authentic. The inner conflict is silenced and we are at peace with ourselves
and those around us. External disagreements no longer trigger our covert issues
and our response emanates from a place of confidence.
Until you are at peace with yourself and your life you cannot
be at peace with others or in your relationships with them. When my external actions fully represent my
internal self I am honest, authentic, and peaceful.
Peace within leads to
peace between.
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