I've been assisting couples and former couples
professionally for nearly thirty years. Regardless of who comes into my office,
there seems to be one common thread - people are seeking to learn how to better
get along with one another. Their usual approach is to inform me of everything
that's wrong with their partner and the proceed to tell me exactly what that
person needs to do to fix the marriage. I'll venture to say that probably 100%
of those who enter a till-death-do-us-part
union do so in an attempt to get their own needs fulfilled. Let me explain.
Some of the primary reasons people get married are because
they want to find someone who will love them and make them happy. Others do so
because they're tired of being alone, they hate being a part of the dating
scene, and they want to settle down with one person. Some want to have children within the context of a
traditional family. Some do so for financial reasons or to boost their
self-esteem.
It's extraordinarily rare to hear of anyone getting married
because they wanted to enrich their partner's life, or because they want to learn
to be a more loving person. Has anyone you know chosen to commit to another for
a lifetime as a path to attaining a higher level of spirituality? I'd be hard
pressed to find someone who did. And yet to get married for selfish reasons
("I want...") lends itself to disappointment, conflict, and suffering.
I'm in my second marriage. My first ended through no choice
of my own. While I had learned to be happy being single, I realized I wanted to
share my life again with someone special. I felt I had a lot to offer and the
years I'd spent working through my personal issues would ensure that I would be
a great wife. I eventually met and married Mac, a truly sweet and kind man of
great integrity. However, the day after
we exchanged our "I do's" I realized our marriage was in serious
trouble. He was not what I had hoped for. No, there was no dark side of him
that suddenly emerged. I simply recognized that there was a lot lacking in him
and in our relationship. So, like any good wife (I say that sarcastically), I
set out to fix him and make him the man he was meant to be. (How noble of me!
Again, sarcasm.)
Very discreetly I tried to change him into someone who would
more suit my needs. The more I tried, the more he resisted and the more
resentment built between us. Disillusioned and hurt, thoughts of divorce
tempted both of us to end our marriage. But I knew we had been brought together
through Divine Intervention and I felt that unless God instructed me to release
our union, I was not meant to visit Divorce Court for a second time. But how
was I supposed to endure a marriage that did not meet my needs? One evening,
while attempting yet another selfish effort to improve my husband ("Truly only because I love him", she
said delusionally), I had a major revelation. God spoke to me saying, "See him as I see him; love him as I love
him." He further went on to state, "I gave you this beautiful man.
Stop trying to fix him. He's not broken. What he is incapable of giving you, I
will. Come to me and let me provide for you what is lacking in your marriage.
Simply enjoy him for the wonderful person he is."
These words not only transformed my marriage but also
brought me into a closer, deeper relationship with my Creator. By removing all
of my demands and expectations from my husband, I was truly able to fully enjoy
the funny and caring man he is. Without denying my own personal needs, I turned
to God to give me what Mac could or would not provide. My love for my Father intensified
and was reflected in every aspect of my life. My focus changed from getting my
needs met to seeking and bringing out the best in my partner, to provide for
him the love, acceptance, and appreciation he so rightly deserved. My capacity
to love as God loves, unconditionally, set me free from the chains of
provisional love. And my love for my husband grew in direct proportion to my
ability to let go and trust in God to care for me. And gradually, my husband
responded to my efforts.
Seventeen years later, I can honestly say I have never loved
my husband more. And I was only able to do this through the realization that
marriage has little to do with the union between Mac and I. It has everything
to do with the relationship between me and God. Mac and I were brought together
so that I could develop an intimate attachment with the Divine and through that
bond learn to love more fully and deeply. I love who I've become in this marriage and am
so grateful to my amazing husband for helping me in my spiritual journey to a
deeper relationship with my Heavenly Father. That is truly what marriage is all
about.
To order a copy of The Secret Side of Anger or The Great
Truth visit http://www.pfeifferpowerseminars.com/pps1-products.html
Listen to past shows on iHeart Radio @ http://www.iheart.com/talk/show/53-Anger-911-Radio/
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