(First of 2 part series)
Like the old song "Love and Marriage" says, the
two simply go together. Yet with the divorce rate over 50%, the notion of happily ever after seems to be reserved for Disney movies.
Some couples believe that as long as they love each other they will somehow
find a way to make it work. Mutual interests
may have brought them together but that
alone is not enough to keep a marriage strong. The foundation of a life-long
satisfying marriage are common values, commitment, and skills. Choosing a life
partner who loves to ski is a far cry from one who shares your beliefs about
family or your faith.
Loving someone is challenging. On their best days it is easy
to see why you fell in love with them. On their worst days, thoughts of
"what was I thinking" may clutter your brain. But commitment is the
glue that holds couples together when times are difficult and they feel
disillusioned. It is that promise that says, "You are so worth it no
matter what!"
It saddens me that couples contemplating marriage are not properly
trained in the art of couple hood. Marriage
is at least as important as any other career choice yet it requires no
particular training. With the proper skills, couples can learn to negotiate the
never ending challenges that arise thus allowing them to actually fulfill their
pledge of "till death do us part".
One of the most damaging components to any relationship is
the desire to fix their partner. The
inherent message is "You are not good enough the way you are." There
is no more hurtful message we could impart upon our spouse than one that devalues
them rather than appreciate them. It is pure arrogance on our parts to believe
we are qualified to repair what is not perfect in them. In reality, it's a lame
attempt to avoid looking at ourselves while deflecting attention onto our
partner. Each party needs to seek to be the best they can be while welcoming the
gifts the other brings into the relationship.
I have spent twenty years working, in part, with couples who
are trying to resolve their marital problems. When they first come into my
office, I quickly explain that there is no such thing. The puzzled looks on
their faces indicate that this is a foreign concept to them. "The
issues," I explain, "are of a personal nature only. Each of you has
unresolved personal issues that you bring into the relationship. When each of
you are able to identify and heal those issues, the problems between you cease
to exist. "
Will there be disagreements and differences? Of course. But they will no longer be
problematic. Problems only exist in the mind. Someone who is a neat freak can
be perceived by their partner as organized, caring, and meticulous or crazy,
obsessed, and unreasonable. The behavior is not the issue. It is the other
party's perception of it that is. If their partner's neatness triggers, let's
say, images of being yelled at by a parent for being sloppy, then the issue
triggers pain. Once the pain is healed, however, the behavior itself simply is what it is.
Marriage can be the most arduous or the most rewarding
adventure of your life. It is not enough to simply love your partner. There are
necessary skills that will enable you to navigate the ever-changing terrain of
your relationship and nurture it into the sacred and rewarding journey it was
meant to be. The choice is yours.
Stay tuned for Part 2 of our relationship series.
To order a copy of The Secret Side of Anger or The Great
Truth visit http://www.pfeifferpowerseminars.com/pps1-products.html
Listen to past shows on iHeart Radio @ http://www.iheart.com/talk/show/53-Anger-911-Radio/
No comments:
Post a Comment