We've all encountered someone who is upset, distressed, angry, sad or not in a positive frame of mind. In an effort to find out what's wrong, we sometimes blurt out a rather offensive query.
The question (in question) is "What's your problem?" (emphasize "your", say it with an attitude and be sure to scrunch up your face.)
We've all said it or had others ask it of us. And the typical response is...? "Me?? I don't have a problem! What's you're problem?"
Wow, what just happened here? I'm asking a simple question of concern and you're reacting defensively. Now for sure someone has a problem and it certainly isn't me!
(I hear some of you laughing. Can you relate?)
So why is it we react so strongly to a seemingly innocent inquiry? Oftentimes, we hear something very different from what the other party is actually saying.
Rather than recognize the sincerity of the original request (assuming it is heartfelt), we hear an implied criticism. "You are the problem!" We take personal offense - we are being told there is something wrong with us. Feeling as though we are under attack, we respond with resistance or hostility.
(I find this reaction odd because if that same person walked into their mechanic's garage and was asked, "What's your problem?" they wouldn't react the same way. Why? Because one understands that the mechanic is referring to their vehicle and not them.)
So imagine how different the response would be if the one being questioned realized the other person was referring to their situation or experience and not them personally? We all have problems (an issue we're struggling with, a dilemma that needs to be resolved, a concern weighing heavily on our minds). Those internal issues are reflected in our behavior: the way we act, speak, our body language. The individual is addressing the apparent issue, not who we are as a person.
So what alternative approach can one use to better uncover the root of the problem?
Select one of the following and see if it results in a more cooperative response:
1. "You seem upset?" (My observation, not criticism). "Is something wrong?" (Some thing is clearly addressing the issue as opposed to attacking the individual.)
2. "Is everything ok?" (Again, every thing deals with a non-human entity.) "Is there anything I can do to be of assistance?"
Can you see how these questions sound less threatening? This will reduce the odds of the other person becoming defensive. While not 100% foolproof, they certainly increase the chances for a more positive dialogue. They have consistently worked well for me, especially when dealing with hostile people. I hope your results are equally as beneficial.
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