It's difficult for a lot of people to communicate with each
other effectively. Unless you're a recluse, communication is something we all
do every day. Perhaps because I'm a motivational speaker, author, and radio
host, I can talk ad infinitum. I actually find it enjoyable and relatively
easy. Yet there is a significant difference between talking and communicating:
talking requires only one person, communication includes at least one
additional person. Although everyone may be speaking the same language, it's
not uncommon to become frustrated and angry with each other while dialoguing.
Communication is a skill most of us were not taught as
children. Granted, we've all learned to assemble words in a coherent manner to
convey a thought or make a statement. I politely instruct my husband to put the
empty ice cream container in the garbage rather than in the sink yet somehow
the package consistently needs my assistance in the morning. Either he doesn't
hear me (I don't think so) or doesn't understand my request (I seriously doubt
that) or he's not interested in granting my request (more likely).
Misunderstandings and miscommunication can easily lead to
frustration and anger. However, being able to converse effectively involves not
only a series of well constructed verbal expressions but equally as important
are proficient listening skills. Without both, our levels of tolerance decrease
significantly while frustration (a root cause of anger) begins to rise, lending
itself to angry outbursts. Here are ten skills that will make communication
significantly easier and more rewarding.
1. Customize your style. Readjust your level and
style of speaking in such a way that the other party can relate to it. I speak
differently to my grandchildren than I do to my children. Likewise, my style of
conversing is altered when addressing the CEO of AT&T to discuss an
upcoming training I'm about to conduct. Know the other party and adjust your
style so that they can more easily relate to you and comprehend your message.
Use common terms easily recognizable by the majority.
2. Be crystal clear and detail-specific. Carefully
choose words and phrases that are easily understood. Itemize and list every
detail to every component of the conversation in a clear, organized, and concise
manner. There's a news commentator that tries to be clever and poetic. I am
always at a loss for what he is saying. I feel confused and frustrated when
listening to him. When discussing a contract with a new client, I am extremely
attentive while explaining my services in great detail so there is no question
as to what I will and will not provide. Miscommunication leads to a host of
problems including improperly completed tasks, hurt feelings, frustration and anger,
lawsuits, missed opportunities and much more.
3. Be brief. When I'm with my best friends, Arlene or
Michelle, we can talk for hours. With my husband his attention span is
significantly shorter. Each individual
has a point at which they lose interest or are unable to process any more
information. Be mindful and keep your discussions brief when necessary. This is
particularly true during conflict resolution sessions.
4. Non verbal communication speaks volumes. In fact,
85% worth. Make certain your body and mouth are working in harmony with one
another. Pay close attention to the other party's non verbal messages as well.
Know when they are engaging with you or not. Pay attention to any indication
that they are becoming agitated or disconnecting mentally and make the
necessary readjustments.
5. Repeat back to the other person what you think you
heard them say. We each hear things through the filters of our life experiences
and beliefs. "So, what I heard you say is that you will take the garbage
out after you've completed your homework?" In that way, I am allowing the
other person the opportunity to correct any misunderstanding immediately. Ask
questions to gain greater clarity if
necessary.
6. Listen with the intent to understand. Too often,
while the other person is speaking we are already formulating our response. Carefully
digest each word they are saying. Ask questions if necessary to gain further
clarity on what they are saying. Pause. Then
thoughtfully respond.
7. Be a good listener. Too often, communication
results in one person talking at the
other rather than with. Listening is
an art. Communication is a sharing of thoughts, feelings, and needs between all
persons involved. Active listening sends a message to the other party that they
matter to you; that what they have to say is important; that you value them and
the message they want to convey. Be an engaged listener; don't interrupt or
disconnect. Pay attention and give them ample time to speak.
8. Always speak with kindness and respect. No one
needs to earn respect. It is a God-given birth right bestowed upon each of us.
Use both kindness and respect generously. They will serve you well. Practice my
exclusive Heart/Brain Communication technique: hear with your ears, think with
your brain, and feel with your heart (compassion) before responding.
9. Practice polite honesty. Most people prefer that
you be honest with them. However, one can be crude and hurtful with their words
or thoughtful and sensitive. Consider how your words may impact the other
person. Remember, there are multiple ways of saying the same thing. Carefully
consider all options and chose the one that is most respectful.
10. Disagree with dignity. Very often when
individuals discuss issues it is clear that they each hold different opinions.
Remember that your role is not to convince the other party to agree with you nor
to prove them wrong. Respect them enough to appreciate their different point of
view even though you don't share it. Acknowledge their position as equally as
valid to them as yours is to you. Then move on.
Communication is a skill we all need to master and when
accomplished can make our interactions with others much less stressful and far
more rewarding. A few simple techniques can make all the difference in the
world. We all have enough stress in our lives. Let's make our conversations
with one another a joyful and effortless experience. And throw in a smile for
good measure. It regulates your attitude.
Ephesians 4:29 "Let no corrupting talk come out
of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion,
that it may give grace to those who hear."
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