If I told you that there was one simple word that could prevent
anger from arising would you be interested in discovering what that word is? Or
in the event that anger showed up without warning, this same word could easily
subdue it and restore your sense of calm? Would you utilize this information to
create a happier life for yourself? Of course you would! Well, there is one
simple magic word that can do just that, and the word is "WHY".
People often get angry without a deep understanding of the
cause. Some have short fuses and every small incident seems to irritate them.
In areas where the average person might not give the event a second thought,
others fly off the handle. When asked why
they are angry, oftentimes they have no rational explanation. "I don't
know - some things just bother me a lot." In the case of observing another
person become upset over something we deem to be a non issue, we may make such
statements as, "You're acting like a fool!" or "You have no reason
to be angry."
Ours is an angry planet and sadly, not only do people refuse
to take responsibility for their ire, but in many instances fail to have to
clear understanding of why the anger
emerged initially. Taking a moment to inquire "Why" from different perspectives can truly be enlightening by
providing much insight into one's feelings and underlying issues behind the
rage. Consider the following scenarios where "why" can neutralize or prevent anger from manifesting.
Dealing with one's
own anger:
Imagine you're in a situation that triggers your anger. You
ordered a gift for your husband's birthday making sure there was ample time for
it to arrive by his special day. However, the package was a week late and when
you opened it you realized they had send the wrong item. You are livid and immediately
call customer service, proceeding to rant on the woman hired to assist you.
Even one who's trained and paid to deal with irate customers is not deserving
of your wrath. She assures you that the correct item will be mailed promptly
and offers to send you a return shipping label to make the return process
easier for you. For your inconvenience, she is authorized to give you a 10%
gift certificate off of your next purchase. Your anger begins to subside as you
offer her an apology for your rudeness. Damage done and corrected. However,
wouldn't it have been wiser to not become so agitated from the get go?
By utilizing the "why"
question, one can avoid an angry outburst such as described. Upon the first
inkling of annoyance, stop and ask yourself, "Why am I so upset? Why am
I allowing this relatively insignificant incident to cause me so much
grief?" The answers might be something like, "This company/worker is
inept. This is no way to run a business. I am frustrated and feel that as a
paying customer they don't value my business. That's rude and disrespectful of
me and that makes me mad!"
The why challenges
me to look within myself for the answers rather than blame others and hold them
accountable for how I feel. Are my feelings valid? Are my perceptions of the
company/workers fair and reasonable? Are my expectations (of perfection on
their part) unrealistic? Am I being too harsh and judgmental? What does my
anger afford me? Do I think I need it in order to rectify the situation? Can I
achieve the same results or better by taking a different approach, perhaps one
of logic and reason?
Authentic power comes from one's ability and willingness to
look at themselves, to question their feelings, actions, motives, objectives,
etc. The why begins the process of self-awareness and self-awareness is the
beginning of personal growth. This process may reveal that I am being
unfair in my expectations and assessments of those involved, that I am
demanding too much. Or perhaps I'm too sensitive and take things personally
when in reality I was not being targeted by anyone. My willingness to make the
necessary adjustments will diffuse my
current anger and prevent it from manifesting in similar future situations.
Dealing with an angry
person (as an observer):
If you are dealing with someone who is outraged over an
incident that does not involve you, asking the why question can help them come to a deeper understanding of
precisely why they are reacting to
said event with anger. Similar in nature to the questions one asks themselves,
begin by asking why are they upset? Why do they allow this incident to
become problematic for them? Does it change the situation? Will it make things
better for them? What's fascinating about questioning others rather than
telling them what to do ("Don't be angry!") is that it challenges
them to discover their truth on their own. Most people do not respond well to
others who impose demands or suggestions on them. However, when one comes to
this realization of their own volition, the impact is far greater and more
meaningful. Again, challenging them to think about their feelings and the why behind them enables them to better
understand themselves, examine if their response is warranted and advantageous
for them and those around them, and to possibly make wiser choices in the
moment or in the future.
Here's an example: Recently my friend took her dog to the
vet for an unusual skin infection. The vet diagnosed it and ordered a treatment
plan. Since it was highly contagious, my friend needed treatment as well.
Wanting to ensure that the procedure was meticulously carried out, she inquired
as to how long the healing process would take, when she and her dog would no
longer be contagious, and if there was a chance of a reoccurrence. The doctor
was unable to give precise answers cue to the nature of the condition but did
so in more generalized terms. She became furious and demanded more specifics
which he could not supply. I inquired of her, "Why is this an issue for you? Why
did you speak to him that? Why did
you react that way? Why do you feel
the way you do?"
She confided that she was scared that the condition would
not be resolved within a reasonable period of time and that she or her pet
could possible infect others if still contagious. She also worried that if the
infection returned, it would cause more damage to their health and add to her already
high expenses.
Having a deeper understanding of her why's, her fears and sense
of powerlessness, we were able to look more closely at them and find somewhat
reasonable solutions for each. We contact another vet, did research online, and
contacted the drug manufactures. In doing so, she felt more in control of her
health and her pet's and subsequently her anger subsided. She began to trust
that as time progressed answers would become more apparent and that not
everything could be revealed at the precise time she desired. She overcame
her fear by building trust (in herself
and her vet) and patience in the process. She'll be able to reference this
process in future circumstances.
Dealing with an angry
person (if you are a target):
There are times when each of us has been the target of
someone else's anger. At times, we are aware that we may have said or done
something inappropriate that preceded their reaction. I may have been late
meeting my sister at the restaurant for dinner or perhaps I shared one of her secrets
with a coworker when she had specifically instructed me to keep the information
confidential. There are also incidences where we are clueless as to why their
anger is being directed at us. In any event, the why question can bring greater clarity to the situation.
"Why are you
angry with me? Is there something I said or did that offended you?" "Why did you react that way when I told
you I couldn't help you move on Saturday?" "Why is my attitude a problem for you?" "Why does the way I live my life bother
you?" Be forewarned, that if you ask a question you must be willing to
listen to the answer, even if you don't understand or agree with it.
Without the why it
is easy to become defensive when someone is angry with us or when we see them
acting out in a hostile manner. Why provides an understanding of what
caused the anger to surface and understanding opens the door to compassion.
When I realize that the other party is worried about the safety of their child
and are emotionally drained, then it comes as no surprise that they have little
tolerance for any distractions. When one imposes their anger on me and through
the why I come to realize that this
is all they know from growing up in a home with parents who used yelling and
threats as a means of communication and discipline, then I understand that they
are only utilizing what they have learned. Practicing patience with them while
they discover a more appropriate way of expressing themselves makes our
relationship tolerable.
If you are a child being told by your parents that you
cannot do something you'd like to do, asking why can better help you to understand the motives behind their
response. Perhaps the situation is too dangerous or there isn't enough time or
money to do so. Disappointment may remain but anger will be less likely to
surface. If your child behaves in a way that you find appalling, a simple,
"Why did you do that?"
rather than responding with an angry "You're grounded!" can provide
insights into your child's thought process, helping to provide clarity behind
their actions. This can be a catalyst for a meaningful discussion.
Likewise, when our political or church leaders make
decisions that impact us that we are not in agreement with, oftentimes we react
with outrage. However, inquiring why
can better help us understand the reasoning behind their actions. We may still not
agree with their decisions but may better understand their rationale for doing
so. And in some cases, their response can provide an open debate to ultimately
find better solutions.
In any event, why
is a powerful and wise response to anger in general. As I previously stated, why provides understanding and
understanding leads to compassion - a perfect means to neutralize anger.
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