When individuals disagree on a subject matter, whether it's
politics, religion, home projects, budgeting issues or such, very often the
discussion escalates into a full-blown fight. Tensions rise as each side tries
to convince the other that their beliefs or ways of doing something are more
valid that the others, that they are right on their position. In my conflict
resolution training program, I stress the importance of refraining from using
the terms right or wrong. To do so indicates an insecurity
that needs strengthening by proving oneself superior over another. The vast majority
of issues we disagree on are not matters of right or wrong: they are simply issues
of perception, preference, or opinion. Only issues of morality or fact can be
deemed accurate or false. To recommend that people refrain from debating
certain topics that they disagree on is unnecessary. Debates can be beneficial
on so many levels such as enabling both sides to learn something new, to
entertain the possibility that there is some validity to what the other is
saying, to hone their communication and listening strategies, as well as
learning tolerance and acceptance.
So how can two people strongly disagree on a topic and discuss
it without having it escalate into verbal violence or aggression? There are
five key strategies one must employ.
Confidence:
When an individual feels strongly that their beliefs, ideas, feelings or ways
of living life are valid, they are able to submit compelling facts to support
their side. They are strong and secure in their position and comfortable with
what they are presenting to support their side. Confidence does not feel
threatened by those who disagree as they feel that no matter how strongly the
other party feels about their position, a poised person can hold their ground
and not acquiesce to their ways. Confidence, a belief in one's abilities,
enables the person to listen open-mindedly without fear of how the other might
react or respond to them, nor what opinion the other person may form about
them. Good, bad, or indifferent, confidence says, "I'm fine with whatever
the outcome of our conversation is."
They are also interested in sharing their thoughts without the
need to convert the other party to their ways nor show them the error of theirs. There is no
competition; only shared dialogue.
Those who are insecure or uncertain present a weak
perspective easily crushed by the other side. In this instance, they feel at a
disadvantage and may easily resort to yelling, raging, insults, criticisms,
threats, demeaning comments and so on in order to intimidate the other party to
back off, thus giving the illusion that they won. However, one who is secure in their beliefs creates a win-win
situation for all, allowing the other side to maintain their dignity and
beliefs as well.
Assertive:
One who is assertive is gifted with a strong sense of self, a belief that they
are capable of handling themselves well in any given situation. Regardless of
the nature of the disagreement, an assertive person cares deeply about the
well-being of their opponent with no interest in degrading them by proving them
to be error. Differences are viewed as assets rather than obstacles and a
lively debate is welcomed. Comfortable with taking the initiative, they are
highly focused on finding common ground with the other party and are adept at
directing the conversation on a positive course. If one party veers off on a
tangent, they can readily bring them back into focus. If the other party
becomes irate or hostile, they are well-equipped to set some boundaries and
diffuse the incident. Assertives have a quiet air of inner strength and
confidence about them; they neither rant nor yell nor threaten nor belittle.
Their tone of voice is steady, strong and clear. They are leaders with viable
skills and concern that keep a potentially volatile situation calm and
productive.
Respectful:
Respect is a treatment that we all seek yet few actually know the meaning of
the word. To respect means to value.
All human beings want to be treated with dignity and respect, as though they
matter. Reverence does not have to be earned - it is a God-given right of every
person ever born into this world. Yet some seem to believe that they have the
authority to designate who has greater worth than another. If this is the
mindset of one who engages in an oppositional discussion then there is sure to
be frustration, anger, and hostility from the other side. It is critical to
view the other person as worthy as yourself, to begin the discussion on an
equal playing field so that no one feels greater or less than the other. This
simple message, that you matter as much
as I do, enables the other party to lower their defenses and trust you in
the sense that you have their best interest at heart as you do your own. Even
though I may vehemently disagree with your position, even though I may not
understand it, a respectful individual recognizes that their beliefs are
equally as valid to them as mine are to me. Being polite in that one simple
regard dictates the nature and course of the conversation and keeps it on a
positive and constructive note.
Fair-minded:
One of humanities basic needs is to be treated fairly. This involves providing
sufficient time for the other person to present their side; to listen without
criticizing or interrupting; to refrain from making fun of or trying to
disprove their points. Finding some valid points sends the message that you
recognize the legitimacy of what they are saying even if you do not agree with
it. Being fair means commenting on the issues, not criticizing the person (attack
the issues not the individual).
If the discussion is one what needs a resolution, a
fair-minded person will seek some sort of compromise. Their desire to make certain
the other party is satisfied with the outcome is critically important to them.
They will typically reassure them by making certain their needs are being met
first and/or giving them more than they are expecting or entitled to. They
fully embrace the belief that it is better to give than to receive and that it
is in giving that we receive the most.
Solution-oriented:
Not every disagreement will be resolved nor are they meant to be. Sometimes
a debate is simply a sharing of ideas, beliefs, feelings or position. You will
never convince a Republican to join the Democratic party or vice versa. Nor
should we. It is in our differences that we find growth and expansion.
However, in those situations where an agreement is
imperative, it is key to begin the conversation with the end goal in mind. What
are we seeking to accomplish? What absolutely needs to take place in order for
this issue to be put to rest at the satisfaction of both parties? Having a
clear goal enables one to lay out a straightforward plan of action to achieve
those goals. They are not sidetracked by superfluous facts or opinions, they
avoid blame and finger-pointed, and they stay focused on finding a solution. They listen to all sides
and take into consideration all perspectives and suggestions in addition to
keeping the process short and sweet.
It's critically important to enter into any discussion
with a positive and open mind. Seek to listen, to learn, to understand, and to
care about. If you find yourself becoming frustrated, take a moment and
practice the SWaT Strategy: STOP the conversation, WALK away to emotionally disconnect,
and TALK yourself calm. When you
have regained your composure, return with the intent to have a successful and
productive conversation. Utilize the 5 Qualities - confidence, assertive, respectful,
fair-minded, and solution-oriented - and you fill discover a simple path to
having a non-violent fight.
Ephesians 4:2 "Always be humble and gentle. Be patient
with each other, making allowance for each other's faults because of your
love."
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