I've been presenting seminars on understanding and
healing anger for 25 years and it never ceases to amaze me how much
misinformation is circulating about one of life's most powerful emotions. Lack
of accurate facts and techniques can have serious repercussions in every aspect
of life from relationships to health to joy and happiness. Consider the
following myths and truths:
Myth #1. It's wrong to get angry. Anger is a bad
emotion.
Truth: In truth, all emotions are neutral and only
have the value we assign them. Each one serves a necessary purpose as they act
as messengers that provide great insight into the self: what matters to us vs
what's unimportant; where our values lie and what things violate them; what our
expectations and judgments are concerning others, ourselves, and the world in
general; what our personal issues are (in need of healing) which are currently
causing us distress and trigger anger, jealousy, fear, etc.
Humans are hardwired to feel a wide variety of
emotions which is a valuable asset. Once we are able to decipher the message
and purpose of the feeling, we can use it to better understand ourselves, work
on our personal issues and find peace with them, motivate us to make positive
changes within ourselves and in our relationships or our environment.
Anger itself is neither wrong nor bad. Again, it's
a powerful messenger that alerts us to the fact that something in our life
needs our attention to correct. It is the way in which we process it, express
it, and use it that determines if it's going to be a positive or negative force
in our lives and in the lives of those affected. Anger can cause serious damage
or allow for personal growth.
Myth #2. When you feel angry, it's best to let it
out and get it off your chest.
Truth: This is a double-edged sword. While
suppressing or denying anger can prove detrimental to the one experiencing it
(and ultimately to the relationship since those involved are not being honest
with one another), doing so at the height of the emotion can be extremely
risky. First let me state that it is not always necessary to express how you
feel in that precise moment. Many issues can be resolved internally without
ever verbalizing one's displeasure. When I am angry, I need to first ask myself
"Why do I allow this to bother me?" Very often, once I am able to
answer that question I realize that it is my own perception, judgment or
personal issues that need to be addressed. In truth, there may be nothing wrong
or offensive about the other person's behavior at all.
Sometimes, expressing your displeasure can hurt the
other person's feelings, cause the situation to escalate, give the appearance
that you are unreasonable or hostile (if your anger is out of control), lead to
embarrassment or regret, damage relationships, and more. People respond to
various situations in one of two ways: either from an intellectual perspective
or an emotional one. When operating from an intellectual mind, one collects all
relevant data, processes it, and comes to a rational conclusion. When
expressing themselves they are typically more calm and focused, offering
logical, well thought out comments. Conversely, when one is highly emotional,
they rarely act or speak logically. Emotions are powerful tools that cloud
rational judgment and offer irrational statements, assumption, conclusions, and
demands. It is best to practice the SWaT Strategy (from The Secret Side of
Anger) giving yourself the necessary time to calm down, rethink the issue,
and respond intelligently and fairly.
So the answer is both yes and no. There are times
when it is perfectly acceptable and advantageous to let the other party know
that you are upset with them or with what has transpired. Sharing feelings
invites open dialogue that can clear the air, gain deeper insights, and
strengthen relationships. In other circumstances, it is best to remain silent,
giving oneself adequate time to process the event, draw a reasonable
conclusion, find peace with it and let it go without revealing one's initial
displeasure.
Myth #3. You can't help the way you feel.
Truth: Believing that one has no control over how
they feel is one of the most dangerous and self-destructive beliefs one can
have. In essence, they relinquish their authentic power over to others; they
are at the mercy of how others treat them and their reaction to such. "You
make me mad. You hurt my feelings. You embarrassed me." They believe
themselves to be powerless (the very definition of anger) thus putting themselves
in the role of being a victim: helpless and without power. That is a terrifying
place to be as others now have control over your feelings and life.
Anger, as are all emotions, is a choice. All
emotions originate in the mind with a thought. I choose my thoughts and
therefore choose the corresponding emotion. Thoughts are the single most
powerful tool we have. Every decision ever made began with a thought. No one
and nothing can control one's mind. Someone may suggest that I think a certain
way, let's say that I should dislike a family member whom they despise. They
may offer all sorts of reasons as to why I should hate them but ultimately I
chose what I believe or disbelieve about the individual and those thoughts will
ultimately dictate how I feel about them.
When my best friend fails to return my call after a
week's time, I can tell myself she's being rude or consider that she might have
simply forgotten. I decide if I want to be upset about
a situation or just let it be. One evokes anger, the
other compassion. Either way - my choice.
Myth #4. Other people/things make you angry.
Truth: People or events (outside stimuli) are triggers,
not causes. Whenever we experience an event (something occurs, someone
says/does something that does not meet our criteria for what we believe should
happen) we become agitated. Pay careful attention to the expectations and
demands you place on yourself and those around you. Unrealistic or unfair
expectations are a leading cause of anger. We demand far too much from
ourselves, ("I should be doing more/should be able to handle this"),
from others ("He's an adult. He needs to be more responsible."), or
from the world "("If I work hard, I'll be successful.") Life and
others will not always conform to our demands. When we experience
disappointment, disillusionment, become frustrated or hurt we will create feelings
of anger as we feel let down by others or the world.
Keep in mind that people are under no obligation to
conform to our demands nor am we here to conform to theirs. Each of us has a
God-given right to live life as best we can, keeping in mind that no one has a
right to cause harm to another in any way. Remember too that life owes us
nothing, therefore we have no right to expect anything other than what we
create on our own.
Therefore it is imperative the consider that a
simple readjustment of one's expectations to something more reasonable and
realistic for the situation alleviates any potential anger from manifesting. Pay
careful attention to the thoughts you entertain concerning the event or individual
you are engaging with. Those outside stimuli are only triggers; your anger
arises from your thought process.
Myth #5. Anger is hereditary. If you have a bad
temper you can't help it - it's in your genes.
Truth: Anger is a learned behavior. Claiming that
it is inherited is an avoidance tactic - a way to circumvent taking
responsibility for one's attitude and subsequent behaviors and consequences. Children
may grow up in a toxic and violent family and see anger as a normal way of
life. But what is learned can be unlearned as well.
Under the right conditions, anyone can control
their anger if necessary. If the consequences are potentially high enough
(perhaps one risks getting fired for an explosive outburst at work) that person
could contain their feelings until they were in a safer environment where the
dangers of expressing it are far less. A bad temper is typically the result of
one being overly sensitive and taking personal offense to minor infractions. Or
it can arise from feelings of fear: the need to control in order to keep
oneself safe and happy. All anger can be healed with the proper knowledge,
tools, and commitment.
Myth #6. People with anger issues yell, scream,
throw things, hit, punch, etc. Those who don't react with aggression don't have
a problem with anger.
Truth: Not so. One is simply more apparent than the
other. Many people are afraid to openly express how they feel and will keep
their anger bottled up inside. This can lead to depression, health issues,
relationship problems, addictions, somatizing (inflicting harm upon oneself
such as self-mutilation or self-sabotage), self-loathing, and more. Others
resort to sarcasm, the silent treatment or other covert behaviors. And still
others are in denial of their anger believing that it is wrong and/or that they
will be judged because of it. Either way, suppressing anger can have
potentially deadly consequences.
It is critical to identify suppressed or denied
anger within oneself. Those who are fearful of speaking up put themselves at
risk for being used, abused, overlooked, taken advantage of and more. Their
relationships lack truth and candor and will undoubtedly suffer the
consequences. Sadly, undefined anger interferes with one's ability to
experience authentic happiness and joy in life. On every level, it can have
devastating consequences.
Anger is a normal, healthy, useful, and necessary
emotion. Acknowledge it when it arises, get to the root* of what is bothering
you, heal those issues, and let the anger go. Anger appropriately utilized can
yield positive benefits for you and those around you. Choose your emotions
wisely for they direct the entire course of your life.
Q:
Proverbs 15: "A hot-tempered man stirs up strife, But the slow to anger
calms a dispute."
*Learn more about the 3 root
causes in The Secret Side of Anger
To order a copy of The Secret
Side of Anger, Second Edition or The Great Truth visit
http://www.pfeifferpowerseminars.com/pps1-products.html
Listen to past shows on iHeart Radio @ http://www.iheart.com/talk/show/53-Anger-911-Radio/
Follow me on Facebook, Twitter, Linkedin, Pinterest, Google+