EXPOSING COMMON MISCONCEPTIONS ABOUT ANGER

I've been presenting seminars on understanding and healing anger for 25 years and it never ceases to amaze me how much misinformation is circulating about one of life's most powerful emotions. Lack of accurate facts and techniques can have serious repercussions in every aspect of life from relationships to health to joy and happiness. Consider the following myths and truths:

Myth #1. It's wrong to get angry. Anger is a bad emotion.

Truth: In truth, all emotions are neutral and only have the value we assign them. Each one serves a necessary purpose as they act as messengers that provide great insight into the self: what matters to us vs what's unimportant; where our values lie and what things violate them; what our expectations and judgments are concerning others, ourselves, and the world in general; what our personal issues are (in need of healing) which are currently causing us distress and trigger anger, jealousy, fear, etc. 

Humans are hardwired to feel a wide variety of emotions which is a valuable asset. Once we are able to decipher the message and purpose of the feeling, we can use it to better understand ourselves, work on our personal issues and find peace with them, motivate us to make positive changes within ourselves and in our relationships or our environment. 

Anger itself is neither wrong nor bad. Again, it's a powerful messenger that alerts us to the fact that something in our life needs our attention to correct. It is the way in which we process it, express it, and use it that determines if it's going to be a positive or negative force in our lives and in the lives of those affected. Anger can cause serious damage or allow for personal growth.  

Myth #2. When you feel angry, it's best to let it out and get it off your chest.

Truth: This is a double-edged sword. While suppressing or denying anger can prove detrimental to the one experiencing it (and ultimately to the relationship since those involved are not being honest with one another), doing so at the height of the emotion can be extremely risky. First let me state that it is not always necessary to express how you feel in that precise moment. Many issues can be resolved internally without ever verbalizing one's displeasure. When I am angry, I need to first ask myself "Why do I allow this to bother me?" Very often, once I am able to answer that question I realize that it is my own perception, judgment or personal issues that need to be addressed. In truth, there may be nothing wrong or offensive about the other person's behavior at all.

Sometimes, expressing your displeasure can hurt the other person's feelings, cause the situation to escalate, give the appearance that you are unreasonable or hostile (if your anger is out of control), lead to embarrassment or regret, damage relationships, and more. People respond to various situations in one of two ways: either from an intellectual perspective or an emotional one. When operating from an intellectual mind, one collects all relevant data, processes it, and comes to a rational conclusion. When expressing themselves they are typically more calm and focused, offering logical, well thought out comments. Conversely, when one is highly emotional, they rarely act or speak logically. Emotions are powerful tools that cloud rational judgment and offer irrational statements, assumption, conclusions, and demands. It is best to practice the SWaT Strategy (from The Secret Side of Anger) giving yourself the necessary time to calm down, rethink the issue, and respond intelligently and fairly. 

So the answer is both yes and no. There are times when it is perfectly acceptable and advantageous to let the other party know that you are upset with them or with what has transpired. Sharing feelings invites open dialogue that can clear the air, gain deeper insights, and strengthen relationships. In other circumstances, it is best to remain silent, giving oneself adequate time to process the event, draw a reasonable conclusion, find peace with it and let it go without revealing one's initial displeasure.

Myth #3. You can't help the way you feel.

Truth: Believing that one has no control over how they feel is one of the most dangerous and self-destructive beliefs one can have. In essence, they relinquish their authentic power over to others; they are at the mercy of how others treat them and their reaction to such. "You make me mad. You hurt my feelings. You embarrassed me." They believe themselves to be powerless (the very definition of anger) thus putting themselves in the role of being a victim: helpless and without power. That is a terrifying place to be as others now have control over your feelings and life. 

Anger, as are all emotions, is a choice. All emotions originate in the mind with a thought. I choose my thoughts and therefore choose the corresponding emotion. Thoughts are the single most powerful tool we have. Every decision ever made began with a thought. No one and nothing can control one's mind. Someone may suggest that I think a certain way, let's say that I should dislike a family member whom they despise. They may offer all sorts of reasons as to why I should hate them but ultimately I chose what I believe or disbelieve about the individual and those thoughts will ultimately dictate how I feel about them. 

When my best friend fails to return my call after a week's time, I can tell myself she's being rude or consider that she might have simply forgotten. I decide if I want to be upset about a situation or just let it be. One evokes anger, the other compassion. Either way - my choice.

 

Myth #4. Other people/things make you angry.

Truth: People or events (outside stimuli) are triggers, not causes. Whenever we experience an event (something occurs, someone says/does something that does not meet our criteria for what we believe should happen) we become agitated. Pay careful attention to the expectations and demands you place on yourself and those around you. Unrealistic or unfair expectations are a leading cause of anger. We demand far too much from ourselves, ("I should be doing more/should be able to handle this"), from others ("He's an adult. He needs to be more responsible."), or from the world "("If I work hard, I'll be successful.") Life and others will not always conform to our demands. When we experience disappointment, disillusionment, become frustrated or hurt we will create feelings of anger as we feel let down by others or the world. 

Keep in mind that people are under no obligation to conform to our demands nor am we here to conform to theirs. Each of us has a God-given right to live life as best we can, keeping in mind that no one has a right to cause harm to another in any way. Remember too that life owes us nothing, therefore we have no right to expect anything other than what we create on our own. 

Therefore it is imperative the consider that a simple readjustment of one's expectations to something more reasonable and realistic for the situation alleviates any potential anger from manifesting. Pay careful attention to the thoughts you entertain concerning the event or individual you are engaging with. Those outside stimuli are only triggers; your anger arises from your thought process.

Myth #5. Anger is hereditary. If you have a bad temper you can't help it - it's in your genes.

Truth: Anger is a learned behavior. Claiming that it is inherited is an avoidance tactic - a way to circumvent taking responsibility for one's attitude and subsequent behaviors and consequences. Children may grow up in a toxic and violent family and see anger as a normal way of life. But what is learned can be unlearned as well.

Under the right conditions, anyone can control their anger if necessary. If the consequences are potentially high enough (perhaps one risks getting fired for an explosive outburst at work) that person could contain their feelings until they were in a safer environment where the dangers of expressing it are far less. A bad temper is typically the result of one being overly sensitive and taking personal offense to minor infractions. Or it can arise from feelings of fear: the need to control in order to keep oneself safe and happy. All anger can be healed with the proper knowledge, tools, and commitment. 

Myth #6. People with anger issues yell, scream, throw things, hit, punch, etc. Those who don't react with aggression don't have a problem with anger.

Truth: Not so. One is simply more apparent than the other. Many people are afraid to openly express how they feel and will keep their anger bottled up inside. This can lead to depression, health issues, relationship problems, addictions, somatizing (inflicting harm upon oneself such as self-mutilation or self-sabotage), self-loathing, and more. Others resort to sarcasm, the silent treatment or other covert behaviors. And still others are in denial of their anger believing that it is wrong and/or that they will be judged because of it. Either way, suppressing anger can have potentially deadly consequences. 

It is critical to identify suppressed or denied anger within oneself. Those who are fearful of speaking up put themselves at risk for being used, abused, overlooked, taken advantage of and more. Their relationships lack truth and candor and will undoubtedly suffer the consequences. Sadly, undefined anger interferes with one's ability to experience authentic happiness and joy in life. On every level, it can have devastating consequences.

Anger is a normal, healthy, useful, and necessary emotion. Acknowledge it when it arises, get to the root* of what is bothering you, heal those issues, and let the anger go. Anger appropriately utilized can yield positive benefits for you and those around you. Choose your emotions wisely for they direct the entire course of your life.

Q: Proverbs 15: "A hot-tempered man stirs up strife, But the slow to anger calms a dispute."

*Learn more about the 3 root causes in The Secret Side of Anger

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4 SIMPLE RULES FOR A HAPPY LIFE

Most people I know want to be happy. I say most because there some who are really miserable and seem content remaining that way. They resist every opportunity for joy and find excuses to stay stuck in their gloom. Although I believe that deep down inside every human being desires happiness, I also believe that some feel they are either undeserving or that it is unattainable for them. Some wallow in self-pity keeping them trapped in their own unhappiness. They become so comfortable in their ways of thinking and living that although it may be painful for them it is all they know. It's like poverty: some accept that there is no way out and resign themselves to their dismal fate.

Happiness is our Divine right; it is our natural state of being. We were not created nor intended to suffer. While brief moments of sadness enter everyone's lives, misery is self imposed. It is the direct result of a prolonged obsession with what is not right in our lives or not working according to our beliefs and desires. We focus on what is lacking rather than what we have, what we can be grateful for, and what is going smoothly and according to our plans. 

Being happy is not complicated nor difficult. Follow these four simple guidelines and watch your happiness index soar!

1. Remove all expectations. In doing so, you will avoid disappointment and anger.

We all have certain expectations in life. We presume that people will behave appropriately according to our standards; that life should be fair; that if one works hard they will achieve their goals; if you  treat others with respect it will be reciprocated and so on. While expectations are normal, the more we impose them on others, ourselves and the world, the more we set ourselves up to be disappointed. And disappointment easily converts to hurt, frustration, and/or anger. Very often what we are seeking from others is unrealistic or unfair. We trust that as our children mature they will hold on to the beliefs we instilled in them when they were younger. Those who rebel against them let us down and we become fearful that their lives will be substandard, as the foundation we laid for them appears to have been weakened. We may also experience pain that their rejection of our parenting and values is a poor reflection on us. Many families have experienced tension based on a child's perceived disloyal choices.

We also believe that the adult population should be reliable and when they fall short, we are hurt and disillusioned. A person's trustworthiness is dependent upon many factors: their level of maturity, the nature of their relationship with you, the nature of the issue at hand, changing circumstances beyond their control, and other factors. Not interested in their excuses or valid reasons, we judge them as deceitful and become angry with them. 

However, much of what we are seeking is simply out of alignment with reality. We ask far too much of ourselves, others and even of the world in general. Re examining our expectations, removing those that are unfair, lessening others to a more realistic level or eliminating them altogether will greatly decrease the stress in our lives and allow for happiness to evolve.

2. Accept life and others as is.    

We all know that we are not intended to change anyone, nor is it actually possible as we all have free will to make our own decisions in life. However, even those with good intentions subconsciously attempt to manipulate others into being something or someone other than who they are or to convince them to change their ways and behave in a manner more acceptable to us. Those who are confident with themselves or who may be just plain stubborn will not comply, leaving one feeling helpless and disheartened. Reminding oneself that it is not our responsibility to change anyone but to simply accept them as they are, we can experience greater peace and happiness. This acceptance, however, does not imply that we must maintain a relationship with those whose lifestyles pose harm to us in some way.

It's also crucial to allow life to unfold naturally. Humans, generally speaking, want to control their lives, what happens and when, and the course it takes. However, control is an illusion (with the exception of controlling that which is internal: our thoughts, feelings, and ultimately our [external] choices). There are an infinite number of factors that influence the direction our lives will take and what does and doesn't occur. Rather than try to force life to conform to our dictates, allow it to be what it is. Go with the flow. Make your decisions but be more willing to accept what occurs, embrace that which works and release that which doesn't. You will have far less angst in your life if you can do this.

3. Release what doesn't work for you and move on.  

Life doesn't always comply  with our demands. We don't always realize the precise outcome we were hoping for. Some of what occurs in life does not appear to be beneficial for us as well. If we are unable to make the necessary changes we are seeking, simply release the situation or event without anger or judgment and move on. Putting forth effort to force into existence that which may not be meant to be is both exhausting and oftentimes futile. Letting go of a car which has proven to be a lemon is easier than continually investing time, effort, and money into repairing something that has limited value.

This applies to people as well. Sometimes we hold on to relationships long after their usefulness has expired. I'm certainly not suggesting that we use people for our own benefit, then discard them when they no longer serve a purpose. What I am recommending is that some relationships are toxic, others are not meant to last a lifetime, others only enter our lives only for a specific purpose and must then leave. I value people and my relationships with them above most everything else in life. However, it is imperative that we graciously release back to God those which are negative, draining, dangerous, or currently hopeless. It's like cleaning out our closets: when we let go of what no longer fits, we are free to invite healthier, more suitable people into our circle of acquaintances. 

4. Refrain from trying to change anything or anyone other than yourself.     

People expend enormous amounts of time, energy, and resources trying to fix, save, improve or completely overhaul others. To believe we have the right or the responsibility to change anyone is arrogant and self-righteous. Every human being has a God-given right to be who they are and to live life to the best of their abilities; to learn what they need to learn in their own time frame and way; to make their own mistakes without fear of ridicule or condemnation; to  be accepted, valued, and loved exactly as they are.

Generally speaking, people try to change others from a place of concern for the other's well-being. We see someone making foolish or dangerous mistakes and we want to protect them, to spare them any unnecessary harm or suffering. We try to impose our methods or beliefs on them. However, one size does not fit all. What works for one may not be suitable for the other. And by interfering, we may rob that person of exactly what they need to experience for the fulfillment of their Divine Purpose.

The message we send others when trying to change them is that they are not ok nor good enough the way they are. However, in our greatness we will fix that, correct any flaws and make dramatic improvements to who they are and the quality of their lives. And of course, once the transformation has been completed, the renovated one will forever sing our praises for our selfless actions, she said facetiously.

Still, there are some who try to change others purely for selfish reasons. It might make life easier or more enjoyable for the one imposing the change if the other were improved upon, i.e. made different. Or perhaps it is to gain a sense of power and dominance over the other. It may also be to try and make oneself appear to be a caring and intelligent person, raising their status above the other, making themselves appear superior to the one who is flawed.     

However, each one of us is born with intellect (the ability to think and rationalize) and free will (the ability to make our own decisions). Therefore, while it may appear that we have caused a change in the other party, in truth it is a personal choice made of their own volition. We had no power over them at all. Time spent trying to improve others would best be served working on improving oneself. We have more than enough imperfections in need of correcting and we are the only ones responsible for doing so. Therefore, work exclusively on the self and offer your own transformation as inspiration to others to follow that will ultimately suit their own agenda.

                                                                 

One of my favorite quotes is from the Dalai Lama: "Every single being, even those who are hostile to us, is just as afraid of suffering as we are and seeks happiness in the same way we do. Every person has the same right as we do to be happy and not to suffer. So let us take care of others wholeheartedly of both our friends and our enemies. This is the basis for true compassion."  

To recap: Four Simple Rules For A Happy Life: 

1. Remove all expectations.

2. Accept life and others as is.   

3. Release what doesn't work for you and move on.  

4. Refrain from trying to change anything or anyone other than yourself.    

 

When you have accomplished this you will find lasting happiness and inner peace.

Q: Acceptance of those things which we cannot or should not change allow us to live in peace and harmony.

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WHEN LYING IS THE BETTER OPTION

Currently there is a commercial on TV where a cheerful woman visits her new neighbor with a homemade pie. She states that she has actually come by not to simply welcome the woman into the neighborhood but to see if in fact she might be weird in some way. The smiling neighbor inquires as to whether she would like to come in and snoop around to see what her new house looks like. The narrator poses the questions, "Wouldn't it be great if we all said exactly what was on our mind?" 

While many would agree that honesty is the best policy sometimes lying can be a better alternative.

I am a true believer in honesty and truth. I try to always live my life by these tenets although I'm certain that there are times when I fall horribly short. Like most wives (and husbands), there are times when I want to spare my husband's feelings and have not always been completely honest with him. When he puts his heart into purchasing a gift for me that he's excited about or when he builds me something or makes an upgrade to our home, I don't have the heart to tell him that what he did was not exactly what I was hoping for because I know it would hurt him. And his feelings matter more to me in that moment than honesty. I know he does the same for me as well.

Let me add, too, that in cases of wanting to preserve someone's feelings, I have mixed thoughts about that. By not being truthful (in a polite and respectful way, of course) we deny the other party the opportunity to grow. When we are able to listen objectively to what others have to say to or about us, we can learn a lot about ourselves that allow for personal improvement. In circumstances such as these, one needs to evaluate each one individually and discern which approach would be most beneficial to the other party.

A child who is too young to fully embrace the severity of their actions may need to be shielded from the blatant truth. Years ago, a friend confided in me that her young child had inadvertently given their family pet a toxic substance to eat, causing the eventual death of the pet. There was no malice on the part of the child, who was very attached to the pet, and due to his highly sensitive personality, the parents decided to spare the child any more angst and possible guilt. In this instance, not being truthful was an act of love and protection.

There are other times when honesty can hurt. People are often blunt and callous in presenting their version of the truth or in making comments showing no regard for the feelings of the other person. And while none of us actually has the ability to hurt another person's feelings (all feelings are a personal choice derived from our thought process), there are times when even the most prepared are damaged by another person's comments. Telling someone that they are obnoxious and that no one, including yourself, likes them may be liberating for you to express  but is highly insensitive and offensive as well. Rewording it using more thoughtful vernacular or refraining from offering any commentary at all can be an act of consideration for the other person's feelings.

When you know that in stating truthfully what's on your mind that it will only agitate the other party who in turn will to seek to retaliate against you, wisdom dictates that silence may be a safer option. Sometimes, keeping the peace in matters that have little significance has far greater benefits than candor.

When a police officer pulls you over for a broken tail light and writes you a ticket, you may become irate but it does not behoove you to speak your mind by telling him/her that they ought to be out catching real criminals rather than wasting your tax dollars stopping law abiding citizens such as yourself. Remaining silent or polite can prevent you from causing further distress to yourself in challenging the officer.

If someone points a gun at you with the intent to cause you bodily harm, that is not be the optimum time to call them a punk. In extreme cases, voicing your truthful opinion could cost you your life. Sometimes silence saves.

I also don't need to tell my husband every time I'm angry with him or those times when I feel disappointed or disillusioned in our relationship. Many of these issues are based on my own perceptions or expectations and most can be resolved within myself to the extent that they are no longer a problem for me. In other cases, I can make the necessary changes in our interactions that alleviate the unhappiness and improve the quality of our marriage. This is a smart strategy that long-term married couples have mastered.

If I'm angry with my boss, a verbal commentary can not only damage our relationship but can create an uncomfortable work environment as well. In some cases, people are spiteful and expressing the truth can exacerbate the situation making matters worse. Perhaps one is willing to take that chance; in other circumstances the stakes may be too high and the individual is not willing to potentially risk losing their job.

Remember when you were a child and your grandmother gave you that awful gift that you absolutely hated? Mom taught you to be polite and thank her. She never encouraged you to be truthful and tell her you wouldn't be caught dead wearing such an ugly sweater. The intent was to be grateful and appreciative of the loving act of an elderly woman and to preserve her feelings. This is compassion and respect at its finest. 

Being bluntly honest with another can oftentimes cause them great distress or worry. A husband who faces being laid off from work does not want to add any unnecessary stress to his family so he bends the truth. A child, off to college for the first time, rarely tells their parents everything that occurs on campus. Wanting to ease their parents concerns, they downplay or omit certain events knowing that the parents would only worry and feel helpless in protecting their child. (I'm not recommending this practice in issues of a serious nature.)

When you want to threaten to cause harm to someone or to their property, even if there is no intent to follow through or as a ploy to get them to comply to your demands (manipulation) this can be considered a terroristic threat and possible cause for legal action. It might be best to rethink your comments.

We all have family members who say or do things we do not like. Being angry with them is a normal part of being a family yet it is not imperative that I mention every infraction to them. Making comments when you are angry or upset is a recipe for disaster. Hurtful words cannot be retracted and the damage they cause can last a long time. Sometimes venting with a friend or other family member helps us to release the anger in a safe environment. Once able to process and heal it, the issue has been resolved and the relationship preserved. (Refer to the SWaT Strategy in The Secret Side of Anger)

When my dad developed Alzheimer's, he often spoke in nonsensical terms. He would recall things that never happened or insist that he wanted things to be done a certain way that were either not possible or not for his own good. Many times, in order to keep him calm, we placated him by agreeing to his demands. Since his disease prevented him from recalling his own requests, we could easily proceed with the necessary actions that benefited him the most. Being honest with those who are not capable of fully comprehending can be frustrating, futile, and distressing for all parties. Appeasement with good intent for all can be a better alternative for everyone.

Keep in mind that I am in favor of being honest with others and expressing my concerns so that issues can be resolved whenever necessary. And that is the key: whenever necessary. It is not always imperative to be truthful with others and in some instances can cause more harm or distress or may simply be unfair to the innocent party. Is it acceptable to express your anger towards telemarketers who disrupt your privacy? Are they not simply trying to earn a living as are you? Yet I know of no one who does not find their practices intrusive and would welcome the opportunity to tell them how they really feel. 

Imagine a teacher, frustrated with a student, who wants to shout "What in the world is wrong with you? Are you stupid?" They know that it is not only unprofessional but it may severely hurt or embarrass the child. So they refrain their question, "Are you having difficulty understanding what I'm saying? Is there a better way for me to present this to you?" Swallowing their true feelings protects not only the child but the integrity of their reputation and job.

Consider a father who leaves his young children because he has no interest in being a parent to them. How would it benefit the children to be told the truth? At that age, and perhaps even when they are older, the pain of feeling not wanted or not worthy is excruciating. This can cause severe emotional damage as well as damage to their self-esteem, causing unforeseen and long term consequences that ripple throughout their lives. A kinder more protective approach would be a distorted version of the truth. "You father had some personal issues that prevent him from being in your life at this time" or perhaps "Right now he's not prepared to be a parent."  On some level, this can protect the child to a certain degree from unnecessary and damaging pain. Remember, one of the functions of love is that it protects.

There is also another form of lying that is acceptable and that is playful lying. Telling children that Santa Clause is real, that the tooth fairy exists, and that the Easter bunny is the one delivering colored eggs on Easter are all harmless and endearing beliefs that add enjoyment and a sense of whimsy to a child's life. Discovering the truth as they get older has not shown to prove detrimental to any child. For many, their realization of the truth evolves naturally with maturity and while there might be some disappointment, most seem ready to release the myth and embrace reality.

Remember, too, that silence can be a lie of omission. One need not directly relay a falsehood but in their silence there can be an absence of truth. 

When lying may be the better option:

When it protects the feelings of the other person or prevents them from unnecessary worry; to keep oneself safe in a dangerous situation; to prevent causing any unnecessary duress that could have unexpected consequences for yourself or others; when you need time to reword your version of truth to be more respectful; if silence will preserve an important relationship without causing unforeseen damage at a later date for you or the other party; when remaining silent allows you to work through the issue and resolve it within yourself so that it is not longer a problem for you; when you are at risk for the other person seeking to retaliate against you causing you harm or hardship; when your very life is at risk (remember, in some cases, silence saves); when your statements are threats; when you're angry and blowing off steam; when lying is whimsical and playful and adds an element of childlike joy.

When it's not smart to lie:

First and foremost, it is never beneficial to lie to yourself. Total honesty is absolutely essential for your well-being, personal growth, healthy relationships, success, and overall happiness in life. "Denial is not a river in Egypt. It is a black abyss of fear that keeps us imprisoned in false truths and obstructs our chances of achieving personal greatness." ~Janet Pfeiffer ,United Nations, Oct. 2004 One must be brutally honest in order to be the best version of themselves possible.

Never lie to avoid taking responsibility for your actions and the consequences that accompany it. Grow up and face up.

Never lie to blame another, to get them in trouble, to damage their reputation, or to cause them any kind of harm.

Never relay false information to make yourself look good, to build status, or deceive others about who you really are and/or what you have accomplished or concerning your motive and intent behind an action.

Never lie or exaggerate in order to manipulate others so that they will comply with what you want.

As for lies of omission, remember that  silence can indicate an absence of truth. Not coming forth with information that can clear an innocent person unjustly accused or convicted of committing a crime is a lie of omission - allowing a deception to continue as truth. This is morally reprehensible. 

Again, let me reiterate that I am a seeker and practitioner of truth yet I do recognize the value in withholding complete honesty in certain situations. Each individual must follow their moral guidelines and assess each situation independently in order to make the best possible decision. Remember, that it is not only the actions that hold merit but also the motive and intent behind them that matters. Keep  your heart pure and let kindness be your guide. In that regard you will make righteous choices.

Q "Just because you have a thought does not mean you need to express it nor does it mean you have a right to as well."

Order  The Secret Side of Anger, Second Edition or The Great Truth @ http://www.pfeifferpowerseminars.com/pps1-products.html

Listen to past shows on iHeart Radio @ http://ow.ly/OADTf

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