We all have challenging people in our lives yet
unfortunately few of us have been properly trained in how to effectively deal
with them. Well, that's going to change today. In no particular order, using
the an acronym "C~U~R~B Appeal",
you will learn tips that will better enable you to get along with difficult
people.
C: Consequences Very often when we are dealing with
challenging individuals we fail to set limits and boundaries. We may be
comfortable speaking up and addressing their inappropriate behaviors or
attitudes. Additionally we might also comment on how we expect them to behave.
However, that's typically as far as we get. Without motivation to change (which
can either be a reward or a penalty) people are often inclined to continue
doing what they're doing without regard for the feelings or impact it has on
others. Much like our speed limits, if police officers only expressed a desire that we obey them rather than
exceed those limits, few would comply. Imposing a ticket or points on the
offender's license gives one ample reason to make the necessary changes. The
key to effective consequences is following through with them.
U: Understanding It's essential to realize that behavior is an
outward expression of our internal issues. Those who are arrogant, vengeful,
rude, combative, uncooperative, etc. are verbally or physically expressing what
is bothering them inside, those issues that they have not yet resolved or
healed. Individuals are not always aware of why they act as they do and are
therefore powerless to some extent to change. Even though I may be
understanding that one who is yelling and threatening me is operating from a
place of fear (aggression is a need to self-protect from a perceived threat), I
may not necessarily know the source of that fear and neither is it necessary. I
only need to be understanding of their suffering and therefore compassionate
that they are struggling with an unresolved issue.
R: Respect
Regardless of how difficult the individual may be, it is imperative to always
treat them with dignity and respect. This can be extremely challenging as it is
our natural inclination to want to put others in their place when they are
acting out or to get even with those who have offended us. We also tend to
assign value to people based, in part, on how they treat others. Those who are
disrespectful or offensive have lower worth to us than those who treat one
another with dignity. However, it is not our place to judge; neither do people
have to earn our esteem. Respect is
defined as "to value" and the one who assigns importance to all
humanity is the One who created it. All human life has equal value. Respect is
a God-given birthright. To offer it is a Divine responsibility. Additionally
being courteous shows the other party how to be polite as well and hopefully they will follow your example.
B: Boundaries Robert Frost said, "Good fences make good
neighbors." In every relationship it is important to establish rules and
regulations defining what is acceptable treatment and what is not. Too often,
we are fearful of speaking up when someone mistreats us or treats us in a way
that we find offensive or uncomfortable. "People should know how to treat
one another," we proclaim. However, respectable treatment is different for
each person. What one is fine with another may find appalling. Each person must
be crystal clear in their own minds how they want to be treated - what is and
is not permissible - and then clearly convey that to the other party. Without
verbally expressing our desires, we cannot expect that every person will treat
us in a way that we find acceptable. Ideally, having boundaries in place precedes
consequences. Once they are made known, one can follow up by also expressing
the consequences they are prepared to enforce should the other person disregard
their request.
A: Appeal Appealing
to what matters to the other person , to what is important to them, is a
powerful tool in gaining their cooperation. What strikes a chord within is more
likely to result in an affirmative response than that which they cannot relate
to. For example, one can appeal to their sense of moral values making a
statement such as, "I know that it matters to you to always do what is
right and fair." Pointing to issues of right and wrong, or to what is in
their best interest can also enable them to adjust their attitudes or
behaviors. "Do you think that your choice is ultimately going to be good
for you? I'm concerned that it may not be and you certainly deserve to be
safe/happy/healthy, etc." "How is this behavior/attitude going to
benefit you?" is another powerful question that challenges the other
person to reconsider their actions. "What is the more responsible thing to
do? Is this a fair decision for everyone? Are you being a good role model for
your children?" are all thought-provoking questions. Reach out and touch
their "heart interests", what matters most to them. Share your
concern for their well-being and in doing so you may very well gain their trust
and cooperation.
In dealing with those who require greater effort on our
parts, it is imperative that we remove our own ego and operate from a place of
spirit - kindness, concern, and equality. Remind yourself that everyone is
struggling with their own unique pain and fear. It is not your place to put
them in their place but rather to uplift them and assist them in creating the
best scenario possible at that moment. With a little concern, a reasonable
amount of patience, and the C~U~R~B Appeal Method, you'll increase your ability
to better interact with those who are typically uncooperative with others.
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