With the exception of impersonators, most people believe
that they only have one voice. That voice is used to express one's feelings and
needs. It can be vocalized either loudly
or softly; it's tone can change from one of sarcasm to that of compassion;
one's voice can be used to express happiness, anger, sadness, silliness,
compliments or criticisms. We have our "baby" voice, (typically
reserved for newborns), our disciplinary voice (used for our children), our
boisterous voice (most commonly found at ballgames, amusement parks or hurled
at obnoxious drivers), and our multi-purpose whisper. Words are powerful
energies that can encourage, degrade, incite fear, convey love, and so much
more. What few people realize is that we have not a single voice but actually
two: we have our inner voice - our
thoughts - which may then be expressed verbally in our outer voice. Let's examine the role of both and how they impact our
relationships.
In Chapter 4 of my book, The Secret Side of Anger, I speak
about a formula that drives the course of our life which I refer to as T~E~C~O
Magic: Thoughts, Emotions, Choice, Outcome. The
most powerful tool we have are our thoughts, our internal voice that speaks to us throughout the course of every
day. From forming opinions about the weather, to determining what items of
clothing we'll wear, to what we think about our children, spouse, friends,
coworkers, and even strangers, what we say to ourselves impacts how we feel and
ultimately how we treat others in our life.
Consider this: People often believe that when they meet the right person they magically fall in love
with them. In most circumstances, at some point the magic fades and they fall
out of love. This is a common misconception. What actually takes place is that
initially our internal voice repeatedly reminds us of the wonderful attributes
the other person possesses. "She's beautiful!" "He's so
smart!" "I love the way he's so laid back and easy going." Our
internal voice reminds us of everything wonderful about our significant other. Thoughts, the words and opinions
we form in our mind, create Emotions.
All feelings are generated by our internal
voice. And it's the feelings that we eventually act out in the subsequent Choices we make - how we choose
to speak to and/or treat our partner. We may share compliments or express our
gratitude at having such a wonderful person to share our life with. In this
case, the Outcome, or result, is a relationship that flourishes.
However, at some point our thoughts typically begin to
change. The positive, loving reminders are exchanged for harsh criticism.
"She's beautiful" is replaced with "She conceited." The
quality once referred to as "smart" now is defined as
"arrogant". "Laid back
and easy going" is relabeled "lazy and a wimp." Regardless of
the individual's character or actually behaviors, it is our internal voice, how
we label them, that ultimately determines how we feel about them. Feelings
change over the course of any relationship not necessarily based on the changes
that occur within each party but rather how each person chooses to see their
partner. People will choose to see what they want to see and feel what they
want to feel about one another. The truth about who that person actually is has
little, if anything, to do with it.
How we feel about our partner dictates how we treat them.
Those who are treated well remain in
relationships and work together to foster a healthy, satisfying, lifetime
partnership. Those who allow their inner voice to poison their emotions will
ultimately sabotage any love and commitment the two originally shared. One can secure the well-being of their
marriage, or any other significant relationship, by utilizing this one secret
weapon: monitor and carefully choose your internal
voice for it determines how you feel and treat your spouse and ultimately
directs the course of your relationship.
Thought ~ Emotion ~ Choice ~ Outcome: TECO Magic: it really
works. I should know: this is what's kept my 20-year marriage alive and happy.
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