In the years that I facilitated
my support group for estranged families,
I primarily worked with older parents whose adult children had severed
their relationship with them. The parents were perplexed: "I was a good
parent", they declared. "I gave my children the best of everything.
There is no reason why they should be punishing me like this!"
Over the course of several
months, I was generally able to offer the parents some insights into what the
actual causes might be. One gentleman, named Howard, explained that he worked
three jobs so that his kids could go to the best private schools, take dance
lessons, and have every amenity they wanted. "How can she claim I didn't
love her?" he asked. "I gave her everything!"
"Howard,", I asked, "Did you care for her when she was
sick?" "Of course not! I was working." "Did you go to her
dance recitals when she was little?" "No", he stated. "I
had to work to pay for those lessons." "So when you say you gave her
everything, what you really did was give her everything you thought she wanted
or what you thought was best for her. Maybe what she really wanted was you, your presence. Maybe your absence
felt like you didn't care and having you present in her life would have made
her feel loved." He sat motionless, his mind deep in contemplation of what
I had just shared. "I thought I was doing the right thing, being a good
father." "It's not about right or wrong, good or bad. There was
simply a miscommunication." He nodded. "Go to her. Ask her to
tell you what you did that hurt her and how
she felt when you disappointed her. Listen without defending your actions.
Acknowledge her feelings and experiences, for they are valid for her. Then
apologize for not being the kind of dad she wanted.
This is about her experience, not your need to justify yours."
Howard, took my advice and for
the first time in seven years, he and his daughter were speaking again.
Although initially awkward, it was a beginning to an understanding and eventual
reconciliation.
Consider the following in
determining if anger is due to the actual incident or to a deeper issue:
Miscommunication/misunderstanding
Very often, a miscommunication of feelings and needs leads
to a misunderstanding of what each party is seeking or how the other person's
action are affecting them. Each person views the relationship from their narrow
perspective which can ultimately lead to hurt feelings and a breakdown in the
relationship. These issues are left to fester until they reach the breaking
point causing an ultimate outburst or separation of both parties. Even in more
immediate circumstances, when one misunderstands anothers words or intentions,
anger can ensue.
Solution: Speak clearly and honestly. Ask
for clarification from the other party if you have any concerns about what they
are saying or doing.
Accumulation
Very often we mistakenly believe
that when an individual is irate, it is directly related to the immediate
incident. It's a case of the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back.
Certainly we all know that a camel can support the weight of a single straw.
Yet pile on enough over time and eventually the camel will collapse under the
strain. So it is with humans: the incident occurring may seem relatively minor
compared to their reaction yet it is actually the culmination of many smaller
events that have never been resolved that can finally lead to an angry
outburst.
Solution: Examine and address each issue as
it arises. Some can be resolved internally without the need for discussion. For
those of a more serious nature, speak up and discuss them as they occur.
Past Issue
A third possibility is that the
incident itself is triggering a painful, unresolved memory from one's past. Consider
someone who was bitten by a dog: a toy poodle wanting attention is considered a
pleasant experience for many. Yet for a former dog-bite recipient, it triggers
anxiety and pain. The fear and angry reaction is not relevant to the poodle,
but to a prior unresolved concern.
Solution: When anger arises, take a moment
and examine its source. Is there some hurt or fear from your past that is
fueling your response in the present? Contemplation of such can lead to a
new-found awareness and subsequent healing.
Relationship
Yet another source relates to how
a person feels when in your presence. Someone may be comfortable listening to a
criticism from one of their coworkers but be completely unreceptive from
another. The first may be someone who's opinion is respected or where the
individual believes their intentions are honorable. One may be less trusting of
the other if they believe they have a hidden agenda that is not in their best
interest. Being suspicious of their motives can lead to feeling defensive at anything
they perceive to be potentially threatening or disrespectful in any regard.
Solution: Learn to objectively observe what
others are saying or doing. Separate the actions from the individual. Consider
any validity to their words and/or actions. If none is found, let it go without incident
and move on.
Perception
The final option is related to
one's perception of what is transpiring. We all tend to see things from our own
view point. Our beliefs, prior experiences, expectations, and such often prohibit
us from seeing the truth. It's imperative for us to examine our perception to
be certain it is accurate and serves us well.
Solution: Examine your beliefs to be
certain they are based on truth rather than inaccuracies. Enlist the assistance
of others if necessary. Make any necessary adjustments.
In conclusion, we can see that
there are many possible reasons for one's anger. Keep in mind, that it is not necessarily the
immediate incident that is causing an
angry response but rather the issue
behind it. Therefore, take a moment and examine the incident objectively. Ask
yourself, "If this was an isolated
incident, would I be reacting so strongly? Even if this incident is important,
if it was occurring at another time, with another person, under different
circumstances, would it still hold the same significance to me? Would I still
respond in the same manner?"
Answers to these questions and
more can offer significant insight into the real issues behind our indignation.
In doing so, our response may be more in alignment with the relevance of what
has transpired. Always give yourself the opportunity to inquire as to whether your
anger is related to the actual incident
or to a deeper issue.
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