I love creating simple strategies individuals can use to
experience less anger or stress in their lives, to improve their communications
skills, resolve conflicts easier or create inner peace. From the SWaT Strategy*
to TECO Magic*, The Great Duck and Dishtowel Debate* or the Seven C's of
Conflict Resolution, I find that the simpler it is, the easier it is to
remember and apply. My latest, S~T~A, provides a pragmatic way to prevent any
situation from becoming inflammatory and destructive. It enables both parties
to discuss even the most highly sensitive topic and gain a deeper understanding
of what the real issues are as well as whether their potential actions will be
beneficial or not.
Imagine the following: your neighbor says something
offensive or thoughtless; a coworker makes an unflattering assumption about you
or accuses you of untoward behavior; your spouse breaks an important promise
that leads to a breakdown of trust; your sister refuses to grant a much needed
request you've made which causes great disappointment. In each of these
scenarios, it's easy to become hurt and lash back with a derogatory comment. In
the case of the broken promise, one can become fearful that a betrayal may
occur again and possibly be of a more serious nature. We can easily become
frustrated with a sister who chooses to ignore our request. Hurt, fear, and
frustration are all root causes of anger. And while the anger may indeed surface,
what we do with it next is absolutely critical. Here's where it's essential to
apply the S~T~A process. S~T~A stands
for STOP, THINK, ASK.
STOP : first and foremost, when you find yourself
becoming upset, STOP and do nothing. In this way, one protects both parties
from the consequences of a reactionary response. You need to allow yourself
time to think about several issues. Which brings me to step number two.
THINK - ask yourself the following questions: "How serious is this issue really? Does
it warrant a response or not? Is it worthy of my time and attention? If so, how
much and in what capacity? What is this person's history? Is this behavior
typical of them or could it be an isolated incident? What are their current
circumstances? What could be their motive or rationale for what they
said/did?" The possible answers to each of these questions provides a
deeper understanding of the issue and the other party. And understanding
determines future action. Our response becomes more dependent on our level of
understanding.
ASK: this third and final step is critical. There are
three variations to one crucial question that is essential to ask before engaging
in the next course of action. Ask yourself, "Will my subsequent actions
(words or behaviors) help or hurt me?" If I lash back at the other party
or sever our relationship, will that help or hurt me? Then apply this query to
the all those involved and to the situation. "Will my words/action help or
hurt the other person(s)?" "Will they help or hurt the situation,
improve it or make it worse?" If the answer to any part of any of these
questions is "hurt" then you must
find an alternative solution. The only (and I repeat - ONLY) valid solution is
the one that helps all parties and improves the situation for everyone
involved. Failure to do so will result in
an escalation of hurt, fear, frustration, and ultimately anger.
Makin wise choices when dealing with any emotional issue is
not difficult. It means having the awareness of what is transpiring and why,
and making thoughtful, considerate decisions that benefit all those involved
now and in the future. Smart solutions require us to simply S~T~A for a moment
before responding.
*The Secret Side of Anger
Order The Secret
Side of Anger, Second Edition or The Great Truth @
http://www.pfeifferpowerseminars.com/pps1-products.html
Listen to past shows on iHeart Radio @ http://ow.ly/OADTf
Listen to my newest iHeart Radio show, BETWEEN YOU AND GOD, @ http://ow.ly/OADJK
Follow me on Facebook, Twitter, Linkedin, Pinterest, Google+
No comments:
Post a Comment