For me, one of the saddest things to see is a relationship
between two people who previously professed their deep love for one another now
entering its final stage of dissolution. The divorce rate in this country is tragically
high. When I was young and naive I believed that all you needed for a happily-ever-after
life was love. After all, that is what the Beatles told us. But with life comes
experience and hopefully wisdom. Having recently celebrated my eighteenth
wedding anniversary with my second husband, I've learned that it takes more
than just love to make a marriage(or any important relationship) last a
lifetime.
There are three common denominators that successful
long-term couples possess. I refer to
them as The C*A*N Elements. They are:
Commitment: Most
couple's make a critical mistake of basing their relationship on feelings. But feelings are fickle and can change at the
drop of a hat. Yesterday I wanted to send
you back to your mother; today you're everything I live for. Many years ago
I was watching the Oprah Show. Her guest was Dr. Harville Hendricks, considered
to be the most successful marriage counselor in the country. He suggested
basing your marriage on commitment rather than feelings. Commitment is that
force that gets you through the tough times; the determination that fuels the
fires of success; that voice inside your head that says, "You mean to much
to me. I'm not willing to quit. I'll try
one more time, and then one more after that." Remind yourself why you fell
in love in the first place - what qualities did you find so attractive in
him/her? They are still present. Focus your attention on those.
Anyone who's ever achieved a significant goal in life has
relied on their determination to succeed. As Yoda said, "There is no try.
There is only do." In other words, never quit. The rewards are great when
you remain faithful to your promises.
Acceptance and
Appreciation: We all know that it's not ok to try to change our partners.
However, many will make a valiant attempt only to discover that it leads to
tension, conflict, and fighting. The covert message we send is "You're not
good enough the way you are. I can fix you and make you better." There is
no more hurtful message to convey to our spouses than one that diminishes their
worth. (Caution: hurt is a root cause of anger so consider yourself forewarned.)
Acceptance of that which we cannot change nor have the right to change allows
us to be at peace (with our partners and circumstances). However, acceptance is
sometimes accompanied with sadness. "My wife nags me but that's just the
way she is. I'm not happy but I can't change her so I'll just accept her the
way she is." But sadness does not make for a happy marriage. Appreciation,
on the other hand, does. Find every opportunity to appreciate each endearing
characteristic of your spouse no matter how inconsequential. And let them know
- frequently - even after that fact.
The number one complaint I hear from my clients is "I
put my heart and soul into my marriage/family/job and no one appreciates what I
do. They take me for granted." Too often, a partner will find someone
outside of the marriage who truly values them. Let that person be you. This one
simply practice completely transformed my marriage.
Negotiation: Challenges and conflicts are a normal part of every
relationship. They simply represent each person's unique perspectives, needs,
beliefs, desires, etc. Conflict is beneficial for the growth of any
relationship and yet for the average couple it causes arguing, fighting, hurt
feelings, and a breakdown in communication. By learning good negotiation
techniques, individuals can learn to navigate their way through any changing
circumstance that presents itself over time. Knowing there are multiple
solutions to every situation affords the couple hope for change, thus
alleviating despair (the very definition of anger).
Savvy skills enable couples to resolve their differences
peacefully and permanently. Customize your style of negotiation to suit your
spouse. Make it easy for him/her and always keep their best interest at heart.
A few good skills can avoid a lot of heartache.
The Beatles had good intentions when they wrote "All
You Need is Love". And while love
is a necessary foundation for marriage it
has proven insufficient in making them last forever. By adding three key
elements, you, too, C*A*N have a
happily-ever-after life with your partner. I'm living proof.
Order The Secret Side of Anger, Second Edition
or The Great Truth @
http://www.pfeifferpowerseminars.com/pps1-products.html
Listen to past shows on iHeart Radio @ http://www.iheart.com/talk/show/53-Anger-911-Radio/
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