I facilitated an anger management support group for several
years. One woman began attending shortly after our first meeting. Her name was
Joan. Joan's marriage of thirty plus years was in trouble. Admitting she had a
bad temper, her husband recently filed for divorce. She was devastated. "I
don't want to lose him," she said, fighting back the tears. "He's
such a good man and I really do love him. I need to learn how to control my
anger. Can you help me?"
"Control your anger?" I asked. "No. I don't
teach people to control anger. I explain to them where their anger is
originating (the root cause) and help them heal those issues. Once accomplished,
the anger never manifests. But it's going to mean being brutally honest with
who you are, what your issues are, and how poorly you have behaved. Are you
prepared to do that?" "Yes," she replied. "I'm willing to
do whatever I have to to save my marriage." I assured her that I would as
well.
Over the next six months, Joan drove an hour and a half to
attend the Antidote to Anger group. Regardless of the weather, each week she
bared her soul in front of me and a room full of complete strangers. Much of
what she shared was painful and sometimes even shameful to her. Yet she was never
held back. Each week, she revealed more and more about her troubled past and
how her pain and fear repeatedly emerged in her relationship with her husband.
"It's not him, it's me", she said on more than one occasion.
"He's a good husband and father. I know these issues are mine." Good, I thought. At least she's taking responsibility and not blaming him for her
behavior. There's hope.
Joan quickly earned the respect of every member of the group
and we were all genuinely elated when six months later she announced that she
and her husband were back together. "He can't believe the changes I've
made in myself! Neither can I. It's like a dream-come-true!" In spite of
their recent success, Joan continued to attend our meetings faithfully each
week for another year. Due to a change in circumstances, I had to terminate the
group. It was hard saying goodbye to someone I had become fond of. I told her I would keep her and her family in
my heart and prayers. I've thought of her often but never heard from her after that night.
So imagine my surprise when I recently presented a lecture
in a church nearby and in walks Joan and her husband! Wearing a smile that lit
up the room, I was greeted by a warm embrace from both of them. Her husband hugged
me and thanked me for saving his marriage. "I cannot thank you
enough," he stated, as he wiped a tear from his eye. "We have never
been happier." "You need to thank your wife," I replied.
"She did all the work and deserves all the credit."
Why is it that Joan was able to save a marriage on the brink
of divorce while other couples fail miserably? There were four key elements
present within Joan that are the keys for anyone making a major life
transformation:
1. Motivation: Joan was highly motivated, willing to do
whatever it took for as long as was necessary to resolve her personal issues
and save her marriage.
2. Responsibility: she took 100% ownership in being the
source of this issue. She did not blame her husband or anyone else for her
anger and poor choices in managing it. And she made no excuses.
3. Solution: Joan was solution-oriented. She actively sought
practical suggestions and strategies to put into practice.
4.Action: Without hesitation, Joan began making the
appropriate behavioral changes that improved the quality of her life and
ultimately her relationship with her husband.
Joan is a perfect example of what it takes to make a
marriage work. I fully expect to get an invitation to their 50th anniversary
party.
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